When Lily Allen released her indisputable West End Girl album last year, sharing all the gory details of her breakup with Stranger Things star David Harbourset social media on fire with support from women who high-fived her very public revenge on a cheating ex.
And even now, 31 years after Jagged Little Pill was released, Alannis Morrisette rousing crowds of thousands as she sings her break-up anthems in arenas around the world.
Emotions during a break-up are nothing new. We go from crying into a pillow to shouting about his shortcomings in public – “It’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to everyone, and it IS a big deal!”. There are still many women who wish she could shout the same words at her ex as Rachel did at Ross back in the heyday of Friends.
Famous breakup scenes from Friends
But while we may cringe in shame when we think about our behavior after a breakup, experts say we shouldn’t. It’s a natural part of it the grieving process. Mourning the relationship that has been lost.
Anger, sadness, despair, revenge: these are all rite of passage emotions that follow a messy breakup. So a certified relationship consultant Mila Smith.
Relationship expert Mila Smith
Because while society rightly treats bereavement with sympathy, research shows that romantic breakups can also cause a form of grief with serious consequences for human health, raising the question of why grief after divorce is not taken more seriously.
Smith says, “Heartbreak is one of the most difficult human experiences. We take grief seriously, but when it comes to divorce, it’s easy to dismiss it as something frivolous. However, research shows that there are very real costs in terms of human well-being from heartbreak is a form of mourning.
‘Research using fMRI scans shows that the brain of someone who has recently had a heartbreak is remarkably similar to that of someone who is going through rehab.’
According to relationship researchers, romantic rejection triggers five distinct, evolutionarily driven phases — ranging from initial protest to eventual recovery — as the body and mind process the dissolution of a partnership.
The five most important phases after a breakup:
1. Protest
‘When a person has been rejected, the first stage usually consists of denial and protest, during which he works hard to win back the affection of his abandoned partner. Stress can intensify activity in the dopamine-related reward system, increasing feelings of love.
“From an evolutionary perspective, this response likely evolved to motivate people to win back their mates and resume partnership whenever possible.”
2. Frustration and aggression.
Smith says, “The above may alternate with, or be followed by, anger when attempts at reconciliation fail. Rejected lovers experience an “abandonment rage” that can coexist with love – and many crimes of passion are committed during this stage.
‘Lily Allen made headlines earlier this year with her ‘ranty’ West End Girl album, written as her marriage fell apart. She admitted that the album was “really angry,” and for good reasons.
‘This stage can help increase distance, alienation and eventual separation, because anger is not attractive.’
Lily Allen and David Harbor before their breakup.
3. Resignation and despair.
‘After acceptance, signs of despondency and depression appear, while all hope disappears. Some heartbroken lovers even die from a heart attack or stroke caused by their depression, others may commit suicide.
‘This sends a clear signal and a cry for help to family and friends. Nicole Kidman recently opened up about her divorce from Keith Urban, admitting: “There was a point where I was very anxious and deeply vulnerable…”‘
4. Transitional phase
‘Eventually reality sets in and the transition phase begins. This often overlaps with the previous phase. People obsessively reflect and judge their past relationships, and sometimes all past relationships, comparing their partners.
‘Eventually they become callous and indifferent, but without support this can last for years, especially if they keep going back and forth to their object of desire, such as a yo-yo.’
5. Recovery phase
‘Freedom returns, although the readiness for a new relationship does not follow a prescribed timeline, which is individual. Katy Perry is a great example of someone who spoke about rediscovering her purpose, recognizing her resilience after her breakup – and most recently, finding happiness again with Justin Trudeau.”
Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau
But how can we recover and move forward once the stages have been completed? Smith says, “There is no magic wand to bypass the process, but you can make it more bearable and support healthy healing with the right tools.
‘Creative expression is a powerful way to process emotional pain. Writing a letter to your ex can be extremely effective, but make sure it is addressed only to you; never send it to your ex! Write a new one every week and reread the previous one. You will notice that your negative emotions disappear over time.
“And don’t hesitate to reach out to your friends during tough times, even if you feel like you’ve put enough strain on them. At worst, they may silently roll their eyes as you go over the details of your breakup for the umpteenth time, but they will still listen and care.”
Smith also says that removing triggers is an essential part of the healing process. “Reducing exposure to emotional triggers is important,” she says. ‘This includes removing photos, gifts and other memories from your home and messages from your devices. Sleeping in your ex’s shirt may feel comforting, but in reality you’re just ‘getting on with it’, like an addict, which only delays your recovery.”
