More than oneAnd on the other hand, women are told that their libido takes a nosedive when they hit menopause. It’s inevitable, a biological fact, say doctors, who prescribe hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or even testosterone to combat our waning desire.
But I have another, better solution – one that I wonder if menopause is really to blame. Because at the age of 54, I’ve discovered my own way of sexual rejuvenation: sleeping with younger men.
Does that sound wrong? In some ways, yes. After all, we shake our heads at playboy men in their 50s hanging out with beautiful young women in their 20s.
And yet I’ve found plenty of younger men who not only want to have sex with me, but only want to have sex with women my age.
When my partner of 12 years told me three years ago that he was leaving me, I was secretly relieved. We were no longer lovers, but merely friends. Our lives – especially his – were consumed by careers we had spent thirty years building.
The divorce was easy: I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 26 – not much younger than some of the men I date – but no other children.
I had been bored in bed for a long time, and so was my ex.
I dove into the dating apps after he moved and was amazed that men in their 20s and 30s were being contacted – and even more surprised at how comfortable I felt with them.
My mindset started to change and my libido started to revive. Did I even want a long-term relationship? I didn’t know it, but I wanted to continue feeling the extraordinary new sense of longing I felt when I was with a younger lover.
After Sasha, 54, broke away from her partner and tried dating apps, she was surprised to receive so much attention from young men who, she insists, are more sexually open-minded. (Asked by models)
Younger men tend to be more open-minded about sex, having learned about it through pornography.
I know. This is not necessarily positive. But in my experience they are also endlessly willing to learn.
I once had to tell a man in his late twenties that “breath play,” which involved constantly clamping his mouth on mine, was not sexy and felt horrible. I went further and told him that most women wouldn’t like it, and he looked quite dejected. But he also wanted to know what we like.
Maybe young women find it harder to stand up for themselves, but I’m at a stage in life now where I don’t want to get involved in something that isn’t fun for me. I’m tired of mediocre sex.
After six months of using the apps, I realized something profound: I was happier than ever before. I reset my age criterion from 25 to 50, but rarely bothered with the older men.
There are pros and cons to this sexual adventure. Logistics can be a problem. I refuse to go back to a shared house after a date – it would make me feel really old – and I don’t like taking them home because it feels too personal. So I mainly have sex in hotel rooms, which causes problems around money.
I would be uncomfortable with the dynamic of having to pay for everything myself, even though my job as a lawyer means I can afford it. So we split the bill, as I do in restaurants and bars. Living in London is expensive and most of them earn less than me, but generally they seem happy to go 50/50. Obviously there’s no reason why they should ever have to pay for me.
I’m always open about the fact that I’m not looking for anything serious, but I also have a rule that I only date one guy at a time otherwise it gets confusing.
I think young men like that I am so straightforward and straightforward. They know I don’t see them as a future husband or the father of my children, so the pressure is off.
By the way, these aren’t one-night stands, or not all of them.
I dated a man for months – a nice guy in his early 30s who was very sweet and compassionate in bed. It felt liberating to be with him; to finally be able to focus on myself and not have to go through the motions with someone who isn’t bothered whether you enjoy it or not. Honestly, it shone a light on all the bad sex I’ve had in the past.
Some dates are harder work than others and many don’t understand my cultural references. Why would they? I told a guy I loved Blur, but he’d never heard of Damon Albarn. He kept saying things like, “Oh, my mom loves that,” which was incredibly off-putting. That didn’t lead anywhere – I must have some kind of mental connection too.
Physically, on the other hand, there is rarely a problem, although I do not always have a good feeling about my body.
Personally, I think women’s declining libido in midlife is really the result of a lack of body confidence combined with a lack of novelty. I’ve definitely got the latter in order, but I know I need to work on the former. Flattering underwear helps, as do the men themselves, who never seem to worry about a tummy or a little wobble.
However, it is not a complete panacea for low self-confidence in middle age. I’m paranoid – rightly so, I think – that some of them don’t want to be seen in public with me. A few dates have chosen a table hidden in a corner of the restaurant. Or we go for a drink in East London if they live in South London because, I suspect, they don’t want to meet anyone they know.
I understand: the age difference may work for us, but this way it’s still unusual.
We may have a lot in common in terms of what we’re looking for – a new experience, fun and zero commitment (at least with a person in their 50s) – but we’re clearly not a match in terms of life stages. They are climbing the career ladder, while I am looking forward to cutting back my hours and leaving London. And while I am interested in social media professionally, I have no interest in it outside of work. Often they talk about a YouTuber they like or a new online trend and I’m completely lost.
The other weird thing is that 90s fashion is back in style and my date often wears a bomber jacket that looks like the kind of thing I wore 30 years ago!
Will I ever settle for a younger man? I admire artist and director Sam Taylor-Johnson, whose relationship with actor husband Aaron, 23 years her junior, seems so happy and successful. But I personally don’t know of any marriages with that gap.
I suspect most men want children, and that’s not clearly the case with me. Besides, it’s fine if the guys are in their twenties and I’m in my fifties, but do they really want a seventy-year-old partner when they’re forty? I doubt it.
My daughter doesn’t know about my young lover stuff. We would both be ashamed, which I realize says something about the social acceptability of what I am planning.
The most important thing to remember is that I am not a cougar; I’m not ‘on the hunt’. That’s a sexist term, but I personally reject it too because the younger men I date have all contacted me through the apps. They chose me and I am very happy that I was chosen.
A few friends know, but I haven’t shared it with all my girlfriends because some of the ones I thought were open-minded were judgmental. Honestly, I think it’s sour grapes – most of them are unhappy in their marriages and jealous of the great sex I’m having.
Perhaps they are also not brave enough to admit the secret I have discovered. I don’t need HRT or saffron or red ginseng or any of the other aphrodisiacs commonly recommended to middle-aged women with waning libido. I just need a nice companion.
- Sasha Fieldstone is a pseudonym. All names and identifying information have been changed.
- As told to ANNIKI SOMMERVILLE
