I help my mother-in-law with ‘Swedish death cleaning’. I wish more families would do this while they have the chance.

Every year my husband and I make the trek from California to Michigan to live with his 85-year-old mother, Elizabeth, for a few months.

They were wonderful family visits that gave us the opportunity to spend time together, and I also got to help her with Swedish death cleaning.

This decluttering method aims to get things in order before you die, largely so that loved ones aren’t left with a lot of stuff to sort through and make decisions about.

I have always been a natural cleaner. My family knows that when I visit, there’s a good chance there’s a junk drawer, closet, or cupboard being cleared out.

Gradually helping my mother-in-law decide what to keep, donate, sell or pass on naturally grew out of that habit.

Now that she is in her mid-80s, the process has become even more intentional, and I have realized that as a daughter-in-law I am uniquely positioned to help.

Not only do I get to clean up areas that she might not otherwise be able to, but she also feels a little lighter after each visit.

Fortunately, she is not ill, and her spiritual beliefs have made this an incredibly meaningful and surprisingly fun process for both of us.

Being a daughter-in-law turns out to be an advantage

I love MIL Elizabeth very much, and she has always called me her “third child,” but I don’t carry the same emotional weight in the process of clearing away death as her children would.

Unlike my husband and sister-in-law, I have already experienced it death of close relatives. My father died eight years ago, and both my grandparents died this past year.

I know what it’s like sort through decades of belongings as you grieve and how overwhelming it can be when every object feels connected to someone you love.

I’m grateful that I can take some of that off their plate. When the day comes, I want my husband and sister-in-law to spend as little time as possible wondering whether they should keep something simply because it meant something to their mother.

But it’s not just about making things easier for us one day. My husband appreciates this dead cleaning now helps his mother’s quality of life.

Her house is less cluttered and she knows where everything is. Instead of being surrounded by things she never uses or even remembers having, she says she feels like she has more breathing room.

We spent years (not days) building a lifetime of possessions

Elizabeth’s house is filled with antique furnitureunique objets d’art, shelves of books and fine china inherited from her mother.

Going through these assets isn’t something that can be done in a weekend. It makes hundreds of small decisions, year after year; some last five minutes, others five conversations.

One area where we’ve made the most progress this summer is her wardrobe. She always donates clothes and other items to the Armenian church, but this year we also donated to the Salvation Army and other charities. I even took her to a resale shop sell vintage clothing for the first time, which was a good learning experience.

She didn’t get a lot of money, but it helped answer a bigger question: Was it better to let those clothes gather dust in the closet or earn a few dollars and give them a chance at a new life with someone else?

Ultimately, it helped her become more willing to let things go.

I love the unexpected conversations that have resulted from this

Every part of my MIL’s house has a story, and every bit of cleaning is a trip down memory lane.

Although we have had countless conversations over the past twenty-plus years, this process has allowed me to hear the stories behind so many objects that I had never thought of or even knew existed.

We reminisced about the photo of her meeting Elvis Presley at age 15 (who kissed her on the cheek!), wedding telegrams full of well wishes from all over the world, and old newspaper clippings about the various businesses she built over the years.

We also laugh about her old wedding photos with “the kids’ dad” (always accompanied by one of her eye rolls) and how it feels like a new life.

I have gained a much deeper appreciation for who she is, not only as my mother-in-law, but as an entrepreneur, traveler, philanthropist, daughter, mother and friend.

I can’t help but marvel at the many versions of Elizabeth that existed long before I knew her.

The biggest surprise is realizing that this wasn’t just about cleaning up a house

My MIL has a very peaceful view of death. She believes it’s a temporary transition, so that lightens the mood as we go through her belongings.

In fact, she usually laughs when we talk about our ‘Swedish cleaning days’.

What started as my organizing habit has turned into one of the most meaningful ways we’ve spent time together. I wish more families would find a way to do this while they have the chance.

As she told me recently as we looked through old photos, “I feel so privileged to have known these people over the years and had those experiences.”