This as told essay is based on a conversation with Pam Manfredo Curtis, author of ‘Origin of a leader.“It has been edited for length and clarity.
It’s no surprise that we often make choices based on how we were raised. I see it in my own life: my mother was a school psychologist. I also started studying psychology and married a man who, like me, is a business and organizational psychologist.
In our field, a lot of attention is paid to empathy, tuning in to others and helping them understand why they act the way they do. Often the answer lies in childhood.
I know this sounds like psychological nonsense, or Freudian nonsense. I’ve had clients tell me that. But after working with me, they realize that emotions are data. Leaders and companies can use that data to excel – and that emotional information is becoming more important than ever in the age of AI.
Parents worry about the wrong things
Parents often worry about the little mistakes they make. The moment you raise your voice or say the wrong thing can haunt you. Fortunately, those aren’t usually the things that stick with our children over time.
What is more important are our parenting patterns. Children pay attention to the way we build relationships, express love and deal with conflict. These teachings will stay with them long into their adulthood and careers.
Teaching children to name emotions is key
I often ask the managers I coach how they feel. Their answer is usually the same: “Fine.”
Sometimes I want to scream, “Fine is not an emotion!” Once, working with an executive at a well-known company, I asked him over and over how he felt, and he replied, “Fine. Fine. Fine.’ One day he said ‘sad,’ and I thought, ‘woohoo. There’s something I can work with.’
The best executives I work with are able to tune into and name the emotions they feel. They understand why they feel the way they do and can tell others. This is important data for them and their business – and something that cannot be replicated by AI. Teaching kids to recognize their emotions prepares them for the C-suite – or any other career.
Check-in with head, heart and hands
In all my meetings I usually start by asking people to examine their heads, hearts and hands. Your head tells you what you think. Your heart is about what emotion you are feeling and why: For example, I feel nervous because I’m not sure what to expect. Your hands represent the physical: lack of time, hunger or distracting muscle tension.
Sharing what is in our heads, hands and hearts builds trust. Once you become vulnerable, there are no more hidden agendas. It’s a great exercise to do with children, to help them connect with their emotional state.
Point out strengths even in challenging situations
The environment in which children grow up shapes them as adults. Someone who is raised in a stable home with high expectations and lots of love is likely to become good at caring for others. Even psychologically complex or traumatic environments can give rise to strength. For example, an abused child in front of someone often becomes a fierce advocate for others.
Every situation, and how someone reacts to it, is unique. I always tried to let my children know what I liked about them. I highlighted their strengths and validated their concerns, while pointing out what I really admired about them.
Giving children agency and helping them feel heard strengthens their ability to move forward, even when faced with difficult emotions or circumstances.
