Best for love and money,
My husband really controls money. He considers anything I spend, other than the essentials, as frivolous. We are not rich, but we do have a lot credit card debtbut we have a decent income and we should be able to afford some extras.
The main perk we’re fighting about now is a gym membership. I get my $10 a month membership “allowed” for one cheap fitness clubbut I would really like us both to go there one of the nice ones with a smoothie bar, sauna and swimming pool. In a perfect world I would also have a personal trainer. I see it as an investment in our health, and that is the most important thing.
My husband doesn’t want a membership at all, and if I’m honest, it shows. I understand that our finances are important to him, and that our credit card debt is causing him stress, but I think it’s important that we both look and feel our best. He is out of shape and always complains of aches and pains. How do I make sure he understands the importance of putting our health first?
Honestly,
Gymnastics crate
Dear Gymrat,
Couples who share a life also share financial responsibilities. But what shared finances don’t necessitate are shared financial priorities – even though that might be easier if they are aligned.
You say your husband handles the finances, but later in your letter you ask me how you can get him to put both of your health needs first. I wonder: is he in control? Or is he simply prioritizing financial fitness while you prioritize physical fitness?
To be clear, if your husband expects you to ask permission before purchasing basic necessities such as groceries, clothing, or medicine, or if he gives you a strict allowance because he believes he alone has access to the money, this could indicate that financial abuse. However, based on the other details you shared, it seems more like the cause of your dilemma is a major difference in priorities, rather than financial control.
What I find interesting about your difference in priorities is that, taken individually, I think you’re both right. Both physical health and financial health are valuable priorities. If you can’t make ends meet because of aches and pains, what’s the point of having money? And if you’re spending all your money on expensive gyms, fancy meal plans, and personal trainers, how are you going to pay for it? all these years you’ve nailed down your life?
The solution does not lie in convincing the other person of your way of thinking. Our priorities are based on our deeply held values, and I can’t think of anything more futile than trying to reason with someone else. The way forward is to find a solution that may require you to sacrifice a little so that you can both prioritize your values.
However, compromise is difficult because it requires us to analyze our motivations with brutal honesty. In your case, that might mean wondering whether a membership to a luxury gym is actually necessary for your health, or if it’s just something that sounds nice. For his part, your husband may need to ask himself whether his aversion to spending money on his physical fitness is really about saving money, or whether he’s actually not interested in being physically active.
However, that doesn’t mean that being honest with ourselves about our priorities has to be an exercise in self-denial. Your man doesn’t have to go to the gym if he doesn’t want to. And you don’t have to stay at a cheap gym, even if you are craving for saunas and smoothies is exclusively complacent. However, an honest analysis is the first step toward the difficult task of distinguishing between our wants and needs, and ultimately arriving at a mutually acceptable compromise.
In addition to analyzing your own priorities, you will also have to stop analyzing your husband’s. He’s not wrong; financial fitness is important, and whether he is stressed by credit card Debt, working with him to eliminate it is not something you should discuss, any more than he should call your desire to get in shape “frivolous.” You both need to respect each other’s priorities.
Ultimately, you both want the same thing. He wants to worry less about money, and you want to pursue physical health in a way that requires disposable income. And the best way for both of you to get your way is to get rid of it your credit card debt. I don’t say this to side with your husband, but because what you want – an expensive gym membership – costs money.
When you’ve been carrying it for a long time, it can be easy to forget that credit card debt is the opposite of that; are money you don’t have. Credit card debt often comes with it high interest rates and negatively impacts your credit score, so your husband is right to prioritize eliminating it. Not to say that physical fitness isn’t also important, but in the meantime, staying on your $10 gym membership seems like a reasonable compromise.
Part of this compromise should include creating a joint plan pay off the debt that stresses your husband out, and another part of the plan should also include your financial priority. Perhaps you can agree on an amount that, once reached, will be celebrated with a new gym membership, and once the debt is completely paid off, you can hire a personal trainer. Who knows? Maybe the excitement of paying off the debt will inspire your husband to join you.
You asked me how to help your husband understand the importance of putting health first, and I’m afraid I didn’t give you the answer you probably wanted. Although health and finances are high on the list of important considerations in life, in a marriage the relationship between you and your partner is at the very top. When you share a life, you share the results and the happiness – and that’s something you both want.
I’m rooting for you both,
For love and money
An earlier version of this article originally appeared in April 2023.
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