When I met my husbandhe owned an established ski and catering business in the backcountry. He loved the outdoors and exploring; they were woven into his daily life.
I, on the other hand, was just getting started reinvent my careerwhere the shift from lawyers to freelance writing and advice is taking place. During our first five years together, I often put my own ambitions aside to help his company. I always reasoned that his company was profitable while my career was still in the start-up phase and not making much money yet.
Shifting our collective energy toward my career was one of many factors we considered when he decided to retire four years ago. At the time he was 56 and I was 41. When explaining his decision to sell the companyhe said, “Now it’s your turn.”
I thought it would be so easy that we would quickly slide into the direction next phase – he has more time for fun, I have more time for work. It wasn’t that simple.
My husband wanted me to join his adventures
A year after his retirement, we stood on a stretch of white sand in the far reaches of the Caribbean. We were a few weeks into a two-month stay in one of the most beautiful places I’d ever been, and we were hours into one of the worst arguments we’d ever had. As we repeated the same misunderstanding we had been having for months, the conversation had deteriorated into absolutes.
“I wish my wife would want to spend time with me!” he said as I responded with something about how I wished my husband wanted me to have a career.
This particular clash had started when I decided to go to work instead of kitesurfing, but we’d had similar disagreements about skiing, hiking and sailing on other trips we’d taken and in our lives at home.
An argument over the choice not to go kitesurfing brought some significant issues to the forefront for the couple, the author said. Thanks to Allison Snyder.
Being able to work from anywhere allowed me to join my husband wherever he wanted in the newfound freedom of retirement, and that’s how we ended up on that white sand beach, never understanding each other’s motives. My husband saw those two months as a vacation, I saw them as a normal life, and this made him hate me working too much on holidaywhile I resented him for not working enough.
Learning to say no was difficult but necessary
This marital tension was something I was completely unprepared for. I had thought that once money was no longer an option – unlike helping with his business, kitesurfing didn’t make any money – it would be easy for both of us to prioritize what I was doing. But that didn’t happen automatically.
The author said she loves going on adventures with her husband, but now knows she needs to prioritize her personal goals more. Thanks to Allison Snyder.
Ultimately, our constant challenges made me realize that my drive to start a new career depended on self-discipline. I had been waiting for something outside of myself, namely my husband, to give me permission to prioritize my career in a way that made sense to me. Of course, he wanted me to be fulfilled as much as I did, but only I could know what that looked like for me.
With this realization, something else came into focus. Looking back, I saw that my husband had never asked me to help with the business as much as I did, and now that he’s retired, I fell back into the same patterns. Once I recognized my role, it became easier set boundaries and say no.
At first, I took my career a little too far, skipping sailing in the Sea of Cortez, kitesurfing in the Turks and Caicos Islands, and monthly visits to the Italian Alps. This kept us apart for months, something neither of us wanted.
But that setting of boundaries, even if a little overzealous, pushed us to find a better balance and recognize that constant travel wasn’t something we wanted to do, especially when we were separated. After much trial and error, we decided to move part-time to Northern Italy, where he can explore, and I can sometimes join in, while also finding my own rhythm.
