I completely trusted my kind, patient husband until I discovered a shocking secret that left us in ruin. Should I leave him? This is not just a difficult marriage, replies CAROLINE WEST-MEADS, this is abuse

Dear Caroline,

A few months after my 19-year marriage ended, I met my second husband. He was so kind and patient – ​​I trusted him completely. I don’t know how I couldn’t see what he was really like. I had my own house and after my divorce he came to live there.

But he lied throughout our entire marriage. He developed a gambling problem, which left him in debts of £150,000, which meant I had to release the equity in my house. Eventually, I took control of all our finances.

I also discovered that he had been contacting an old girlfriend behind my back. He lied to my kids to get out of trouble. He blames everything on ill health or anxiety and has even lied to doctors and counselors. When challenged, he retreats to bed for days or feigns serious illness. Life with him is tiring.

He’s 86, but he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’m 82, still exercise a lot and regularly meet friends for coffee and lunch. I know he has had problems all his life, but despite years of guidance and attempts to help him, he has never been willing to change.

I’m worn out. I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life.

Caroline West-Meads writes: What you describe is not just a difficult marriage. Running up £150,000 in debt, having to deal with the consequences and forcing yourself to release equity, is financial abuse. Lying to your children, to doctors and care providers, and apparently using illness to avoid responsibility is very manipulative.

Whatever difficulties he has had in life is not an excuse for treating you this way. I think you’ve been trying to change him for so long that you may have lost the belief that you deserve better. You don’t have to put up with behavior that leaves you exhausted and unhappy for years to come. You have already shown remarkable strength. You took back control of your finances and built a life outside your marriage.

At 82, you exercise regularly and enjoy your friends. If you feel able to do so, I would encourage you to tell your children exactly what happened, rather than trying to protect him. You should not have to carry this burden alone. It’s time to prioritize your own needs. You deserve peace, fairness and freedom from intimidation and harassment.

Please contact Hourglass, a charity for elderly people who have been abused. They have a 24-hour helpline (0808 808 8141) and understand the specific issues faced by those who feel trapped after years of marriage. Also discuss your options with a lawyer. Knowing your legal position can be empowering.

Should I dispute her comments?

Dear Caroline,

My friend has a teenage son who suffers from very high anxiety and other problems. I know it’s not easy for her. However, she is constantly looking for fault in the children of mutual friends and seems almost happy when they have problems too.

Recently a boy got into a lot of trouble at school and she said some pretty bitchy things to me about him. I pointed out that it wasn’t easy for his mother either and she said it just made her feel better that she wasn’t the only one with a confused son. I don’t like this side of her and I’m not sure if I should say anything or just let it go.

Caroline West-Meads writes: Yes, it’s a shame that she seems to take comfort or even pleasure in the misfortunes of others. However, this indicates that she is having difficulty supporting her son and that she herself also suffers from anxiety or depression – understandably.

When parents face significant challenges, it can be difficult to watch others whose children seem to breeze through life. She may feel like a failure. So perhaps it’s not surprising that she takes comfort in knowing she’s not alone. Yet it is a shame that she expresses this with bitterness.

So if she makes any more comments, ask her politely how she is doing. Tell her that you know how difficult it is and ask whether she gets enough support from her husband, doctor or a counselor. Perhaps suggest a charity such as coramfamilylives.org.uk that offers advice to parents.