Every day I walk past my youngest son’s backpack. It still sits by the back door, right where he dropped it on the last day of school in May, a limp black reminder that summer vacation is almost over. Inside are probably crumpled assignments, battered binders, a few pencils with erasers wiped off, and all the mysterious dirt that accumulates in a teenager’s backpack. I can only hope there’s no food in there.
A few years ago I would have had to deal with it. I would have emptied the backpack, gone through the papers, thrown out the trash, and made sure everything was ready for the new school year. I would have tried to turn my son’s forgotten chore into a… life lesson about organizing and responsibility. Now I walk past his backpack and consider saying something, but then I don’t. Because this is a different kind of life lesson and it’s entirely my responsibility: knowing when to step in and when to take a step back.
My sons have different needs now
When my sons, now fourteen and sixteen, were little, parenting felt like an exercise in constant intervention. I was the person who packed the luncheschecked the homework folders, found the missing shoes, washed the favorite PE T-shirt and made sure everyone had what they needed before they even realized they needed it. And yes, I was the one who emptied the backpacks, recycled the papers and determined if anything could be reused for the next school year.
It wasn’t what I’d call fun, no, but it was predictable and – dare I say – even easy. So much of it raising young children is just organizing the chaos until they can finally organize it themselves. I’ve gotten really good at keeping them organized.
Raising teenagers is a different experience. I know they still need me, but they don’t need me the same way they used to. Now most of my parenting work is about supporting them emotionally as they figure things out for themselves. Nowadays, that increasingly means watching them learn how to do things for themselves, and biting my tongue when they don’t do it the way I would. (If they even decide to do it.)
Doing less for them is not always easy
You’d think my job would be easier now than when they were little. After all, nothing is added to my personal chore list until they ask for my help. But after years of keeping everything on track – and persevering them on track — take a step back it sometimes feels like I’m not doing my job.
That backpack is just a small example, but it represents a larger shift in our society parent-child relationship. It’s a good change, don’t get me wrong. I know how important it is to learn by doing (or not doing). My teens need to experience the consequences of their own decisions – and I need to deal with the discomfort I feel when I’m no longer involved in the decision-making process. And I’m proud when they figure out what to do before the consequences happen, but I’m also proud when they take responsibility for a bad decision and find a way to turn things around.
We all learn life lessons
Of course there are still times when I intervene. They may make their own choices, but they still need boundaries, guidance, and a safe place to land. My biggest role now is to remind them that they are loved and supported, no matter what. They know I will always be there when they need help making complicated choices. Sometimes all I can do is listen as they discuss their options and come to a decision that feels right for them. But that’s the goal, right?
The backpack therefore remains where it was for more than two months. Maybe my son will clean it tomorrow, or maybe he’ll wait until the night before school starts and I regret leaving it until the last minute. Or maybe he won’t regret it at all.
No matter what happens, this lesson is not just for him, but for me too.
