Dear Bel,
I always read your page in the newspaper and remember that some time ago you printed a letter from a woman much younger than me who had seen her husband looking at pornography. I can’t remember what advice you gave the poor girl and didn’t expect to have the same problem with my own husband. Now I understand how devastated she felt.
My husband and I have been married for over 40 years and have children and grandchildren. I thought we were happily married and enjoying our retirement. We love to travel and are fortunate to be able to take many vacations each year.
But my world came crashing down recently when I came downstairs, a little earlier than usual, and saw him watching porn on the computer.
This completely upset me. I can’t believe it happened and I’m really struggling right now. I just don’t know what to do. He is full of regret. He tells me he knows he has been stupid and foolish. He has since gotten rid of the computer and thinks this will solve the problem, even though he has a tablet, smartphone and access to my laptop. But he says there is no porn on these devices, which is currently true. I checked!
But what’s to stop him from doing it all again? It seems like this has been going on for several years, possibly since we retired. How can you live with someone for all these years and not really know him or her at all? I really didn’t think this was something he would ever do. He has confessed to doing this not only early in the morning while I was sleeping, but also when I was shopping or when I was away for a while. How can I ever trust him again or believe anything he says?
I suggested counseling but he said no. I don’t know what to do. Will I ever be able to forgive him? The only thing he has said (other than sorry) is that he wants our marriage to continue. It’s not like he ever wants to have sex with me. But when he does, we rarely have sex. I never said no to him. Can you please say some words of wisdom?
Barbara
Time and time again this issue rears its hideously ugly head, and time and time again I find myself feeling a mixture of despair and anger. The last time it appeared was on May 16, 2026, with the headline: “How did my sweet husband become a porn addict?” That cry of disgust came from a young mother – and now here you are, on the other side of the age range, with the same problem. It proves the extent of the plague. And by the way, if there are any readers who choose to avert your eyes, I understand, but I’d rather you didn’t.
Barbara came downstairs and saw her husband watching porn on the computer. Photo posed by model
There are still plenty of misguided – and often reprehensibly stupid – people who think pornography is cool or empowering. I blame the baby boomers, my generation – who so eagerly embraced all that was “progressive” and anti-dusty-old-establishment. Brilliant lawyers happily flew around the world defending the right of filthy rich men to make money from exploitation – all in the name of ‘freedom’. The so-called intelligentsia made porn acceptable and if you objected you were called a prude and worse. ‘Anything goes’ ruled.
What inspired the late, stylish journalist AA Gill to make a pornographic film in 1999, when he was recently divorced from Conservative politician Amber Rudd? Why did Victoria Coren, the brilliant, talented, charming host of TV’s ‘Only Connect’, want to enter the world of the ‘skin flick’ (her word) before the age of 30? Because it was seen as fashionable and fun. Something to write about – and laugh with friends. No harm done.
So here we are, led inexorably into a brutally harmful world that is neither fashionable nor fun – with countless young men who have become addicted because smartphones have made violent and disgusting pornography so easily available. A quarter of 16-21 year olds first saw porn in primary school – with potentially catastrophic consequences for their ability to form relationships in adulthood. Now, Barbara, your husband has become yet another victim of this pandemic – and so have you.
I realize you are waiting for my ‘words of wisdom’ and I am sorry if they are slow to come. This topic upsets me immensely, especially when I read about the suffering it causes to women like you. Actually, I hope my comment above can help you understand that your husband has been corrupted by the wider world, and thus his porn addiction was not caused by intrinsic evil. I’m afraid he’s just another guy caught up in dark desires that gradually began to control him and lure him into addiction and deceit.
That is not to be taken lightly. But I do hope that you can stop catastrophizing and see him as normally weak, foolish, and deceitful, just like millions of others. You never know what’s going on in people’s minds, so a little distrust is probably wise. The big change called retirement may have driven him to this behavior. So sit there and tell him what to do. Visit this website: thelaurelcentre.co.uk and study the content together. The organization deals with sex and porn addiction and also seeks contact with partners. He won’t want to do this, but warn him that this is the price he has to pay if he wants your marriage to survive.
Dear Bel,
I’m worried about a friend I’ve known for ten years. About seven years ago she moved to another city, about an hour away by car, but my son took me to meet her about three or four times a year. She always called him ‘My Number One Gent’! She always welcomed us with open arms and because she is 70 and lives alone, my son did odd jobs for her around the house. We talked on Whatsapp several times a week and exchanged thoughts about politics, religion and health issues, because we had the same opinions.
During our last visit to her, just before Christmas, we chatted as usual and discussed her upcoming trip to Mexico. Shortly afterwards I received a text saying she did not want to be contacted anymore. It made no sense and I wonder if she has fallen victim to coercive behavior. I texted back that I didn’t know what I did wrong, but I was sorry if I accidentally hurt or offended her. No answer.
I know she uses online dating sites and think she is very vulnerable. She is a widow, quite wealthy and her first language is not English. She has no family in this country. Coincidentally, my son passes through the neighborhood where she lives most weeks to visit his girlfriend in the same province. He has offered to knock on her door, but I wouldn’t want her to take it the wrong way and call the police. I feel like I’ve lost a friend and it doesn’t make sense at all. I sent a Happy New Year message. What else can I do? My only consolation is that she is a devout Catholic and may have church friends who would notice if something is wrong.
Rosie
I suspect many people reading this will recognize your dilemma. Their situation may not be the same at all, but they are still aware that someone who was a close friend has cut them off and they simply don’t know why. If it happens to someone after a few dates, it’s called “ghosting,” but isn’t it pretty much the same in this situation?
Of course, we can all sometimes reach the stage where we’ve just had enough of a particular friend or acquaintance. Often we continue in a relationship for sentimental, historical or guilty reasons, but one day something changes – and you decide you’ve had enough. I must confess that this has happened to me, and I realize that the person probably felt as confused as you did. But she had said something that really hurt, and I knew she would never understand why (she’s pretty stupid) – and I couldn’t find it in me to explain it either. So I’m afraid I dropped her. Perhaps some of you will recognize the situation where you are both the ‘ghostee’ and the ‘ghosted’.
With your problem, Rosie, I can understand why you’re concerned. You rightly see the lady as vulnerable, and nowadays there are so many unscrupulous people sailing around like piranha fish, ready to scam the unwary and/or elderly. You say your friend has tried online dating, and there’s no doubt that the terrible social media and online dating scene has made the situation so much worse. An older woman can also easily fall prey to a younger man.
Since your son was so loved by her, and must have deserved true gratitude for all the help he gave her, isn’t he the obvious conduit? I don’t understand why you think she would call the police if he knocked on her door. Obviously you know her personality and I don’t – but if he came over with a bouquet of flowers and told her he just wanted to see if she was okay, or if she needed help… wouldn’t that be a good thing?
Sometimes we hesitate to do an act that is caring and generous simply because we don’t know how it will be received. Since you are genuinely concerned about your friend’s well-being, I see no harm in asking your kind son to check into this. I think it could have been the action of a Good Samaritan.
And finally
Next week I’m going to Belfast, to the land of my ancestors, to visit friends. Last time I saw the ‘Troubles and Beyond’ exhibition at the excellent Ulster Museum and had to leave halfway through because of all the memories it brought back. In the 1970s, sectarian hatred and conflict haunted our dreams.
When, as a young journalist, I followed the journey of American-Irish dollars north through Dublin to fund the IRA, I met some very bad people. On several occasions I stayed at the Europa Hotel when it was a target surrounded by barbed wire, took shelter with nuns when all transport was off the streets because of bombs, and cheered on the Protestant mob in Antrim – so as not to stand out because a female journalist had been assaulted the day before. I interviewed politicians such as Peter Robinson (later Prime Minister) and Enoch Powell (then MP for South Down), and had to watch as Republicans cheered the deaths of British soldiers. All terrible.
If you take a tour of Belfast today, you can see the so-called Peace Walls, which remind you of the deep divisions – which (of course) still exist in certain parts. People all over the world learn hatred at the knees of their mothers – they always have and they always will. Unlike the old hypocrite John Lennon, I cannot ‘imagine’ a world in which ‘no possessions’ exist and in which ‘all men live in peace’, because this is contrary to human nature.
Nevertheless, the 1998 Good Friday Agreement changed things. Not completely, of course, but enough. Therefore, older people like me must hold on to some hope, as we to have witnessed change. But trust? Unfortunately not. Politicians and people make me wary. There won’t be a column next week because I’m at the Titanic Museum. I usually expect icebergs.
