A summer holiday brings a lot of expectations. They are expensive, costly and often represent the only opportunity to spend uninterrupted time together.
We imagine that we will reconnect, have meaningful conversations, enjoy great sex, and become closer to home than ever.
But vacations can also be surprisingly stressful for couples. I often hear from customers that they are afraid of the prospect of going on holiday. Not because they’re worried about flying or packing, but because they don’t want to spend so much time with their partner.
If you’re already feeling turned off, irritated, or just desperate for space by them, the thought of being together for ten days or two weeks can be unbearable.
If you know deep down that your relationship isn’t working, a vacation can make it so you can’t ignore it anymore. In fact, I see a lot of breakups happening, either in the weeks leading up to a vacation or immediately afterward.
That’s because work, routines, kids, separate social lives, and daily distractions spend much of the year masking what’s really going on between you. Then you’re suddenly together around the clock. The forced intimacy can make people reevaluate their marriage.
And yes, sometimes when couples feel stuck they may need professional help, but the role of therapy is not to trap people in relationships that aren’t working. Sometimes when clients really hate spending time with their partner, they come to therapy asking for permission to walk away, and that’s fine.
But if you’re not ready to commit time to your relationship—and don’t want to waste your two weeks in the sun—here are some of the biggest holiday flare-ups I encounter in the therapy room—and how to avoid them…
Sex and relationship therapist Natasha Silverman often speaks with clients who dread going on holiday with their partner
Natasha says spending a little time apart on holiday can be healthy and help couples meet their own needs
One wants to pull… the other flies and flops
This is one of the most common holiday arguments I encounter.
I see couples placing great value on the perfect holiday, but the difficulty is that ‘perfect’ can mean something completely different to each partner.
One of you wants adventure, activity and novelty. The other wants a lounger, a book and absolutely no obligations.
The mistake couples make is that they think they are arguing about the destination. What they’re really talking about is how their needs can be met in the relationship.
I see more burnouts than ever before. Many clients spend their lives giving, working and interacting. The thought of walking to a hilltop village feels like yet another task. Others spend the entire year behind a desk and desperately need stimulation and excitement to unwind.
Solution: No matter how well matched a couple is, we are individuals with our own needs, desires, dislikes, and boundaries. We will never be completely compatible – and neither should we. Before you leave, think about what you expect and want from the trip. Also think about previous holidays. What worked? What not? Where has the resentment crept in? Then talk honestly.
I encourage clients to avoid criticism and instead focus on communicating their feelings and needs. I also suggest giving themselves permission to meet their own needs individually and without guilt at least 20 percent of the time. That might look like a hot stone massage while their partner enjoys a walk.
They are glued to their phones
Many couples hope that a vacation will finally provide quality time together. Then one partner spends the entire time scrolling, answering emails, disappearing at work or on social media.
If someone is always on their device, I wonder what function that behavior serves. It could be a sign of a nervous system disorder, where they use their phone to numb or calm themselves, or to avoid being around.
If someone constantly prefers to use their phone instead of being with you, you can feel lonely even when you’re together, says Natasha
Sometimes work becomes an excuse. They tell themselves it’s important – and maybe some of it really is – but to the partner sitting next to them it can seem incredibly dismissive. If someone constantly chooses their phone over being with you, you may feel lonely, even when you’re together.
Solution: I often ask couples, “When you come home from vacation, why would you say you got exactly what you needed?” That’s a useful question to prepare for a trip, especially if this issue has come up before.
It’s usually easier to discuss these things before you go than to be perceived as ‘whiny’ on holiday. Maybe suggest times when you can be phone-free, and other times when you can check your emails, if you really need to.
They don’t pull their weight
One child has a tantrum because of the ice cream, while the other child has to inflate the bracelets. Their father? On a lounge chair, headphones on, engrossed in a thriller.
I hear this complaint all the time, especially from women: ‘He didn’t help me at all with the children. He was useless.’
Often they had convinced themselves that their partner’s lack of involvement at home was due to the fact that the job was demanding. Then they leave together and realize that it’s not like they’re busy. It’s that they don’t want to share parenting. For some, that realization becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
He may say he didn’t notice or “I thought you were fine without me,” but the fact that a partner can see that you’re struggling and you feel like he doesn’t care enough to help can be very hurtful.
Solution: Instead of saying, “You never help with the kids,” say, “When I deal with the kids during the holidays, I feel unseen, overwhelmed, and like I’m doing it alone.”
It’s also important to be specific. Tell your partner exactly what you need from him or her. A lot of people resist this because they think, ‘Why should I spell it out? I’m not their parent.’ But sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do. You can also discuss booking a kids’ club or a babysitter if you both want to get away from it all.
Couples who successfully vacation are usually those who can communicate effectively both before and on vacation, and can figure out ways to make sure both partners feel considered.
You feel lonely in paradise
The air is soft, the night is young and you’ve been chatting with your partner. Their response? “Sorry, did you say something?”
One of the most painful complaints I hear comes from people who feel that their partner has very little interest in what they have to say.
They do not maintain eye contact when talking about feelings and seem disinterested in their partner’s inner world.
It’s normal to hope that things will be different when we’re alone together in a beautiful place. But with an avoidant, disconnected partner, that’s not likely.
Even more difficult is when that same partner suddenly becomes very involved when he wants sex. For many, that combination is a relationship killer.
Solution: If you come home feeling just as lonely, unseen, rejected, or disconnected as you did when you left, but with a nice tan, the problem is probably not the vacation at all, but the relationship.
Counseling can help, but only if both parties are willing to do the work.
Holiday sex becomes a battlefield
For one partner, holiday sex seems like the perfect way to let go and relax without the pressures of life getting in the way. To the other, it may seem even more cautious – the very thing they are trying to escape.
The expectation of intimacy can act like a wet flannel on desire.
One partner may resentfully give in to duty sex, while the higher-desire partner, who thought sun, sea and sangria would make sex flourish, feels deeply rejected. At this point, couples start to realize, “It’s not our routine, right? It’s us – and this can feel very destabilizing.
Solution: One of the most effective things couples can do is remove the expectation completely.
Touch your partner to be close to him or her. Stroke their hair. Hold their hand. Tell them, “This isn’t going anywhere. I just want to be close to you.’
Research shows that people who gain new experiences together have a better sex life.
When a person no longer feels pressured, he has the space to ask himself what he wants. And relaxed, tanned, with a cocktail in hand, that could be sex.
Friends and family always come first
There’s nothing wrong with group vacations or wanting family nearby. The question is whether friends and family are a strategy to prevent us from spending time alone as a couple. Wanting couple time is healthy, but if the idea of your partner wanting others around makes you feel rejected, or like you’re not “enough,” it may be worth addressing.
Solution: There is plenty of room for compromise here. Discuss how you can both get your needs met, even in small moments. For example, if his family comes along, can you have dinner alone one or two evenings?
You can suggest booking another holiday for two, or a weekend away with friends. However, if only one person consistently gets what he or she wants, the power dynamics are not equal. If you find yourself giving in and suppressing your feelings, don’t ignore it.
As told to Leah Hardy
