‘My husband kept nagging me for sex. It was unbearable – then suddenly it stopped.
“It was clear he got it from somewhere else, but we never talked about it. I don’t ask questions when he comes home late, and we get along better. It’s an arrangement that suits us both.”
It’s an unconventional situation, but if you’re willing to cheat when your partner cheats in order to save your relationship, then you’re “tolyamorous.”
Dan Savage, an American columnist and podcaster (Savage Love), coined the term to describe relationships in which one or both partners tolerate the other person outside of sexual or romantic contact.
It is not an open relationship because the couple has never acknowledged or discussed the infidelity. Instead, one of them looks the other way and pretends nothing is happening.
Socially, the couple continues to behave monogamously, even if the relationship is not.
‘Tolyamoury’ describes relationships in which one or both partners tolerate the other’s infidelity
TOLYAMORY IS MORE COMMON THAN YOU THINK
It sounds unsavory, but tolyamory has been around as long as marriage. It just has a catchy name now.
This type of relationship is most common when there is already a clear exchange: one person has a lot of money and power and the other gets to enjoy his or her privileges and lifestyle… as long as they accept certain things.
It also happens a lot in relationships where breaking up doesn’t suit either of you. Why did Hillary Clinton stay with Bill when his infidelity came to light? Because staying with him helped her political aspirations.
As Dan Savage points out, tolyamory doesn’t necessarily mean that one person is being fooled or abused. There are circumstances where it works out perfectly for both.
Relationship and sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) explains that tolyamoury is not the same as an open relationship, as the couple has never acknowledged or discussed infidelity
WHY TOLYAMORY IS SUITABLE FOR SOME COUPLES
Sometimes the positive aspects make cheating bearable. It can even improve the relationship. Especially if…
You don’t want sex with your partner and are fine with that need being met elsewhere. I see it a lot with couples with a mismatched libido. One wants a lot of sex, the other doesn’t want sex at all. They didn’t start out that way, but they’ve gotten to this point after a long time together. If you love your partner but don’t want to have sex with him or her or want to deny him or her pleasure, outsourcing sex is a solution to the problem.
You don’t want to lose or jeopardize your lifestyle or income. Divorce usually means dividing what you have in half – at the very least, it means losing some material possessions. If marrying someone with a high income was important to you, living the lifestyle you want may be more important than having a faithful spouse.
You don’t want to upset your children and family. Not wanting to hurt your children is probably the most common reason for tolyamory. Ending a long-term relationship is complicated, messy, and heartbreaking. And it’s not just the children whose world falls apart, it’s everyone around you. Mutual friends, parents, and siblings suffer; grandparents worry about jeopardizing their access to grandchildren; friends worry about having to choose sides. Breaking up with your family can be more painful than breaking up with your partner.
You can’t imagine life without your partner and you would rather tolerate cheating than live without him or her. A very sad reason to stay, but for some people better than the alternative.
The relationship has grown into a close friendship. You don’t want sex anymore, but she does. Older couples sometimes slip into this arrangement without ever approving or discussing it. You love them enough not to want to deny them something they truly enjoy.
WHY IT DESTROYS OTHERS
In the past, women were more likely to be expected to tolerate their husbands’ indiscretions. Closing the infidelity gap means that both sexes can now find themselves in this situation.
As you can imagine, tolyamory has many disadvantages.
May cause emotional distress. If you look the other way because your self-confidence is shattered and you feel you don’t deserve respect from your partner, that’s clearly not a good solution. The same goes if it makes you feel betrayed, sad and lonely.
Confidence is declining. Trust is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship – and you don’t just need it for sex and love. You need to be able to trust your partner to do the right thing for you, to handle shared finances responsibly, to be a good parent, and to behave well with the people you love. Losing trust in one area can undermine it in others.
There are health risks if your partner does not have safe sex.
Resentment and bitterness can build over time. It’s not easy to stay faithful long term. Take away the morals and consequences and we’d probably all have a lustful affair every now and then. What holds us back is commitment, our moral code and doing the “right” thing for our partner. It’s not easy to see your partner having their cake and eating it too when you’re denying yourself a piece.
- Check out Tracey’s two product lines, Tracey Cox Edge and Supersex, at lovehoney.co.uk.