Curled up together on the couch, my partner Mark* and I happily merged into one Netflix comedy.
It was a rare, quiet evening. We had opened a bottle of rosé and were laughing together when my 24-year-old daughter Lara* suddenly appeared in the living room, wearing skimpy pajamas.
She stopped dead when she saw us. “Oh,” she said. ‘ I thought He wasn’t there this weekend,” she said, looking at Mark with open disgust.
Mark immediately sat up and pulled away from me. A little later he announced that he was tired and went upstairs early.
Just like that our wonderful evening was over.
Mark is not my husband and he is not Lara’s father. He is the man I fell in love with 18 months ago and who has shared my home in Devon for the past six months – the house where my two adult daughters – Lara and her older sister Heather, 26 – also still live.
These are the eggshell situations I now navigate all the time.
Mark contributes to the household bills – considerably more than the girls – yet he often feels like an unwanted guest.
My mistake was asking Mark before discussing it properly with Heather and Lara, Nikki writes
Blended families with young children are notoriously complicated. But no one warns you that trying to start a family when your children are grown can be an even bigger nightmare. Trust me.
I had been married for 28 years when I finally asked my ex-husband to leave after a string of affairs.
Our four daughters – I have two girls aged 30 and 28 who do not live at home – were completely on my side; they had witnessed enough of their father’s behavior.
I kept the family home and for the next three and a half years I was on my own. Once the dust settled, I threw myself back into life, and on a night out with friends I met – and fell in love with – Mark.
He is handsome, warm, funny and affectionate, a divorcee like me. We are compatible in almost every way. We both love sailing and playing tennis and are real foodies who take turns cooking for each other.
I introduced him to the girls over a meal after four months and they all agreed he was sweet and said it was great to see me happy again.
After Mark and I had been together for a year, I asked him to move in. He has his own home that he now rents out.
My mistake was asking Mark before discussing it properly with Heather and Lara. I assumed they would be happy for me, but they went all out.
We’re also no longer a completely vegetarian household – Mark eats meat, which I have no problem with, but the girls recoil in horror at the sight of a pack of ham
They said I had made an important decision that affected their home without giving them any say. At first I thought they were acting like spoiled children: after all, it’s my house and they’re both adults… if they don’t like it, they can leave.
But I now admit that I could have handled it better.
Heather and Lara say they can no longer wander around in a towel or come downstairs in their pajamas.
Although our bedroom has its own bathroom and Mark has never surprised them – nor would he, he has only been kind and respectful – they have insisted on locks for their bathroom and bedroom doors.
We’re no longer a completely vegetarian household either – Mark eats meat, which I have no problem with, but the girls recoil in horror at the sight of a pack of ham.
it means that even sharing refrigerator space has become a territorial battle.
Mark also likes a tidy house – my girls can be messy. He would never order them, which means I’m the one still trying to negotiate.
Even a Sunday lunch can feel like a diplomatic summit. Mark is a hard worker (he runs his own small engineering company), while Lara sometimes seems to view a job as an optional extra. She has been working sporadically at festivals for most of this year, and when she comes home ‘completely exhausted’ she rarely gets out of bed in time for a 2pm lunch – which I know Mark finds irritating.
Valentine’s Day was another disaster. I wanted to surprise Mark with a romantic dinner at home, but neither daughter felt like going out, so Mark and I ended up in the pub.
We then booked a week’s spring break for two in Tenerife. Lara automatically assumed she was coming with us and became upset when I explained it was a romantic vacation.
To keep the peace, I finally gave in. She came – and hated every minute of it. It was a nightmare for all three of us.
The worst confrontation started over a package. Mark had accepted a delivery for Heather and placed it safely under the stairs. When she couldn’t find it, she threw a huge hissy fit and accused him of meddling with her stuff.
He ended up spending the night at a friend’s house because the atmosphere was so bad. Heather apologized two days later, but the damage had already been done.
Heather has a serious boyfriend now, so I suspect she will move out before Christmas. However, Lara seems unwaveringly attached to home.
Meanwhile, I’m in the middle of it all, trying to keep the peace between the man I love and the daughters I love. No one is happy, certainly not me.
I accept that I should have consulted my daughters before Mark moved in and given them time to adjust. But they are adults. My life can’t remain frozen because they still choose to live at home, can it?
After decades of putting my husband and children first, am I really unreasonable to want a little happiness of my own?
And how do I ensure that my daughters feel comfortable in their parental home, without Mark feeling like an unwanted intruder?
As told to Samantha Brick
Names have been changed.
