Joe Biden is the meat in the MAGA sandwich – his 46th presidency nestled uncomfortably between two hefty slices of Donaldough.
It’s been nearly four years since Trump reluctantly left the White House, but when the two sat together for the traditional Oval Office handover on Wednesday, they got along like old friends.
Slap Happy Joe grinned widely and whispered, “Welcome home,” as Donald “The Legacy Destroyer” expressed his appreciation for such a warm reception. At least that’s what all the cameras captured.
I imagine these weren’t the only words exchanged. The two men reportedly spoke privately for another two hours. Maybe the conversation went something like this:
It’s been nearly four years since Trump reluctantly left the White House, but when the two sat together for the traditional Oval Office handover on Wednesday, they got along like old friends.
Biden: You know, I voted for you, right? Have you seen me wearing your hat?
Trump: Yes, you and everyone else. But why did you keep calling me Hitler? That wasn’t nice, Sleepy Joe.
Biden: Malarkey! Now YOU are sensitive to nicknames? And I never called you Hitler – that was Kamala. Let’s just say: I’m not with her!
Biden laughs, coughs and falls face first out of his chair.
At this moment Dr. Enter Jill Biden, dressed in her best blood-red Lady Macbeth suit.
She lifts Biden back into his chair and starts talking.
Dr. Jill: Remember, Donald, Joe was your best surrogate! Don’t forget who opened America’s borders and flooded the country with illegal immigrants. “Thanks” would be nice. How about giving me and Joe a nice ambassadorship so we can spend our retirement in style?
Biden: I hear Ukraine is nice and Hunter has a lot of friends there.
Jill pushes Joe back to the ground.
Trump: Sorry, guys. I have more pressing issues on my agenda, like firing the entire federal bureaucracy, ending wars with the snap of my fingers, and appointing a super hot press secretary. Priorities!
Suddenly, Hunter Biden bursts into the room.
Hunter: Daaaaaad, I thought we were going to play catch with my Romanian buddies!!??
Biden: No, Hunter. I said, ‘You’re going to get caught with your Romanian friends. Now tell the Chinese that you will not visit Beijing again.’
Hunter: Excuse me, Mr. Trump. Can I be pardoned?
Biden: Yes, Don. Will you forgive my boy?
Trump: I don’t think so, no.
Biden: You’re a Nazi!
Hunter: You’re trash!
Dr. Jill Biden walked in, dressed in her best blood-red Lady Macbeth suit.
Dr. Jill: Guys, let’s all agree that there’s only one person we all really, really hate.
Biden: Nancy Pelosi!
Dr. Jill: No, Joe. Please try again.
“Kamala,” they all shout.
Dr. Jill: That’s right. Ever since she called Joe a racist, I’ve been targeting her. At least I don’t have to hug her creepy husband anymore – he always tries to kiss me on the lips.
Jill reaches into her bag and pulls out a letter addressed to Melania Trump.
Dr. Jill: I’m so sorry you’re acting like… I mean beautiful… woman couldn’t be here today, Donald. I was so looking forward to serving her some arsenic tea. I wrote her a little note. Can you deliver it for me?
Trump: Oh Jill, that’s so sweet! What does it say?
Dr. Jill: Well, I know Melania is multilingual, so I wrote a translation of ‘Go f***yourself’ in five languages, including Slovak.
Trump: It was great to catch up. Joe, you look worse than I thought. Hunter, pack your bags, because you’re going to Gitmo. I’ll have Handsome Pete Hegseth prepare the transfer papers.
Someone knocks on the Oval Office door and it opens.
Biden: Hulk Hogan! What are you doing here?
Trump: Meet the new Attorney General!
Life is a beach!
It was truly “Dead Man Walking” this weekend when Lame Duck Doddering Joe almost fell over the kettle while fighting through the loose sand at his beach house in Rehoboth.
Frustrated First Lady Jill worked overtime to avoid growing facial hair. But why did she let her stumbling husband embarrass her in full view of the cameras?
It was the perfect metaphor for a Democratic election campaign that was ill-conceived and painful to watch.
(Although not as painful as Biden appearing to hug his sister Valerie—on the mouth!—during a Veterans Day ceremony honoring his late son Beau. Yikes.)
Not as painful as Biden appearing to hug his sister Valerie – on the mouth! – during a Veterans Day ceremony in honor of his late son Beau. Yes!
Fear for Ariana
My condolences go out to Ariana Grande, as the whining singer seems to shrink into an ever-shrinking diva.
Certainly, she seemed thrilled to show off her co-star and hobbit-like lover Ethan Slater at the Los Angeles premiere of ‘Wicked’ on Saturday.
But bleached eyebrows and sunken facial features don’t look good on anyone.
She may have questionable taste in men, but someone needs to make this girl a hottie – stat.
My condolences go out to Ariana Grande, as the whining singer seems to shrink into an ever-shrinking diva.
Fool 4B
The bizarre new ‘4B’ movement of out-of-control girls wasn’t exactly on my 2024 bingo card.
But there’s something quite hilarious about the emotionally unstable left ladies now booing Trump’s victory, blaming men and swearing off sex for life.
Don’t tell these Kamala-loving misandrists, but they are guilty of cultural appropriation (the anti-patriarchal 4B trend originated in Korea).
The most radical of the movement even shave their heads in protest, making themselves ugly to prove some point.
There is a clear advantage. Red-blooded boys now know who to stay with. And for the less hysterical women among us, the dating pool is a little less crowded.
Winning smile?
You know who looks great? Our relieved vice-president, fresh from the defeat week and laughing on Saturday with her grandnieces and a large glass of wine.
Where were these light-hearted lifestyle photos a few weeks ago? Whisper it, in her messy bun and college sweatshirt, this carefree Kamala looks almost sympathetic.
You know who looks great? Our relieved vice-president, just back from the defeat week and laughing on Saturday with her grandnieces and a large glass of wine.
Too bad presidency
Meanwhile, Kamala’s former communications director Jamal Simmons is pleading with Biden to resign within a month so his old boss can still become the first female president.
One clever X-user compared the ridiculous idea to a ‘Make A Wish Presidency’. But fear not, at this point I think Joe would rather kiss his own sister than further Kamala’s grand ambitions. Oh wait…
The line drawn
Prison influencer Martha Stewart spoke for us all when she rebuffed Drew Barrymore’s advances live on TV this week.
Drew’s touch-me-more appearances may be a desperate attempt to draw attention to her tired talk show, but they end up being downright deranged.
After asking, “What makes you soft and sticky?”, Drew suggestively sucked her finger and caressed Martha’s coquettish arms.
Unperturbed, Martha pushed back, as she should have done with her stockbroker in 2001.