Time is a funny thing. Looking back, most of us are amazed that we ever believed in what we were doing, armed with the knowledge and insights we have today.
It starts with Sinterklaas and continues from there. It turns out that masturbation doesn’t make you blind. ‘True love’ doesn’t last forever. One day your prince may come, but you too may die before it happens.
The same goes for what the experts tell us. One week cheese is good for you, the next week it’s bad. Using the pill is bad for your health; Taking the pill can protect you against certain types of cancer.
Love and sex experts aren’t immune to promoting a few myths of their own.
Here are five that really need to be put to bed – and left there.
TRACEY COX Reveals the Five Things Love Experts Swore By, But Now Know Are Wrong (stock image)
1. EVERYONE HAS A ‘LOVE LANGUAGE’
The concept that we all have a “love language” was coined by a Baptist minister who provided marriage counseling at his church.
Gary Chapman wrote a book based on his experiences in 1992. He claimed that each of us has one of the five most important ways to show love: through words, quality time together, giving or receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
His theory was that problems arise in relationships when partners speak different languages and express love in ways their partner does not understand. If you wanted to whisper “I love you” in your ear, but your partner washed your car to show love, then you were in trouble.
Three decades later, we’re still at it.
Online dating sites encourage taking the test, TikTok has love language videos that generate billions of views. People like to put themselves in boxes and have quick, pop-psychological solutions.
However, the theory does not hold up.
Recent research has shown that Chapman’s work was based on a highly religious, traditional sample of monogamous, heterosexual couples – and that’s all anecdotal. In other words, there is not an ounce of science behind it.
The claim that each of us has one primary love language was not supported: in fact, most of us rate them all highly.
What was right: There are indeed many ways to express love for a partner. But instead of using just one, most of us are right to choose from a combination of all five love languages.
2. HAPPY WOMAN, HAPPY LIFE
There are plenty who still embrace this: if the woman is happy in a relationship, it leads to an overall happier life for everyone involved (husband and children).
This theory emerged in the 1970s, when research on couples was first conducted. Looking at communication between couples, researchers found that women’s behavior was more indicative of the health of the relationship than men’s. The logical conclusion was that she would also be the better barometer of the relationship.
A recent study from the University of Alberta – the first to actively test the concept – found that men’s satisfaction in romantic relationships was as important as that of female partners in predicting their future happiness together.
Keeping a relationship healthy takes work – and the burden doesn’t just fall on women.
The analysis of more than 50,000 relationship satisfaction reports from different countries from mixed-sex couples blew the ‘happy wife, happy life’ belief out the window.
What was right: The expectation that women are better at relationships and the ‘relationship managers’ let men off the hook in many ways. On the other hand, this study proves that men have just as much power to change things in their relationships as women do. A win-win for both, I’d say.
3. WE ALL HAVE A SOULMATE
I’ve always believed that the idea of a soulmate—that there is only one person who can make us happy—is not only downright crazy, but also outrageously harmful.
What if your soulmate lives on the other side of the world? What if they die early and you never meet them? What if they don’t believe in waiting for ‘the one’ and do the (sensible) thing and marry someone they like and are very friendly with, thank you very much?
Now there’s hard evidence to back me up, thanks to researchers from Utah. Their research illustrates that thinking that a successful relationship is beyond our control and instead dependent on fate is indeed harmful.
Researchers studied more than 1,200 people in the US and Canada and found that a good marriage is not possible. Couples who knew that the success of their relationship was based on choice and proactively worked together to keep their relationship healthy enjoyed happier, more lasting romances than those who believed that simply finding “the one” was the key to happiness.
It’s a “deeply flawed” relationship model to think that simply choosing a particular person is all you need for long-term happiness, the researchers say. Developing good communication skills, being able to discuss honestly, respecting each other’s family and friends, forging strong friendships and nurturing romance – these are just some of the qualities that make love last.
All these skills can be learned.
In this week’s column, British sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) debunks five relationship myths, from everyone having a ‘love language’ to the idea that we all have a soulmate
4. FEMINISTS ARE ANGRY WOMEN WHO CANNOT BE DONE
What these women’s sex lives need is a man to satisfy them, the stereotype goes, and then they would stop with all that nonsense.
Well, far from being sexually dissatisfied, feminists appear to have sex just as often as non-feminist women – and better sex too!
A 2024 survey of 2,303 adults by a Canadian sociology professor reported that women who identified as feminist are not sad and lonely, but enjoy more loving, pleasurable, and pleasurable sex than non-feminists.
They were also more likely to report having had oral sex that focused on clitoral stimulation (38 percent compared to 30 percent for non-feminist women).
Researchers suggest this is because feminists see feminism as a source of self-actualization and empowerment, making them more likely to know what they want in bed and to ask for it.
They also masturbated more often than non-feminists, meaning they know their bodies better.
5. YOU SHOULD NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY
It’s still a bit of a horse for courses on this.
The theory goes that if you go to bed angry, this increases the chance. You’re dwelling on the argument and making it into a much bigger issue than it is.
This is especially true if you’re the glass-half-empty type: this personality has a tendency to catastrophize, and staying awake and thinking about what happened can send you into a dark hole.
A 2016 study found that sleeping on a problem changes the way your brain organizes it in your memory, making it harder to undo negative associations. Research also shows that people report higher levels of sleep disruption the morning after a conflict.
Falling asleep and staying asleep is harder when adrenaline is pumping through your veins. If you’re sleep deprived, it becomes even more difficult to regulate emotions the next day.
There’s still a lot to support the original premise… but there are exceptions to this rule.
If neither of you were sober when you argued, it’s a very good idea to get some sleep and let the effects of alcohol or drugs wear off. Both make us irrational and lose our judgment.
Couples who rush for a quick fix just so they can go to sleep aren’t doing it right either: it can mean problems remain unresolved and fester.
If you’re the type of person who can get a good night’s sleep even when you’ve had an argument, you’ll probably find that the anger goes away overnight. These people wake up rested, have had time to think, and are therefore less likely to say something unpleasant on a whim that could permanently damage the relationship.
What was right: If you’re the anxious type and can’t let things go, it’s probably worth sitting around talking about things until the wee hours of the morning, hoping to find a solution. If you can, a good night’s sleep is almost always the better idea.
Need help with your relationship? Listen to SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, Tracey’s weekly podcast. Her latest book, ‘Great Sex Starts at 50’, is available from all booksellers.