I am a connoisseur of American sitcoms. In this important role, I have become familiar with the fact that spouses often have very different feelings about spending money.
Consider Lucy and Ricky Ricardo, for example. It’s safe to say that Lucy was a bit looser with money than Ricky was comfortable with.
My favorite line was when an annoyed Ricky asked Lucy, “You only have one head, why do you buy so many hats?!”
Likewise, fans of Everybody Loves Raymond – the spiritual successor to I Love Lucy – may remember the tension that arose when Ray invested $1,000 in his friend’s karting business without first talking to his wife Debra.
The idea of the ‘spender and saver’ relationship is a common theme in American sitcoms.
Fans of Everybody Loves Raymond – the spiritual successor to I Love Lucy – may remember the tension that arose when Ray invested $1,000 in his friend’s go-kart business without first talking to his wife Debra.
You might wonder if this dynamic reflects something about the way couples handle money in real life. After all, in many ways, most spouses are quite similar. For example, Republicans tend to marry Republicans, and Democrats tend to marry Democrats. As we say in the social sciences, “birds of a feather flock together.”
So we should expect spouses to have similar feelings about spending money, right? Not so fast. I research money and relationships, and that research paints a picture reminiscent of my beloved sitcoms.
My work focuses on the psychology of ‘tightness’ and ‘waste’. Tight people feel a lot of sadness when they consider spending money, and usually end up spending less than they think they should.
Splurgers don’t experience enough stress when thinking about spending, and usually end up spending more than they think they should.
On “Ask Ronna,” a popular advice podcast, Ronna Glickman (a character played by Jessica Chaffin) often offers an essential piece of wasteful wisdom: “I’d rather watch it than search for it.”
Over the years, my research has shown that tight-fisted people and spendthrifts are more likely to marry each other than marry someone like themselves.
Why do opposites attract when it comes to spending money? Part of the problem is that tight and wasteful people don’t exactly enjoy being tight and wasteful people. When we encounter someone who exhibits a trait we don’t like about ourselves, it can shine an uncomfortable spotlight on the issue.
For example, imagine that you are a person who often bites their fingernails, and that you are self-conscious about it. You meet a potential partner who is desirable in many ways, but who is also a compulsive nail biter. That can be a huge turn-off, making you think, “Uh, is that what I look like when I do that?”
They bring to the surface one of your least desirable qualities that you would like to put out of your mind.
Dating someone who approaches money differently can be fascinating and fun at first. That’s especially true for the cash-strapped people who now have access to expensive indulgences they could never force themselves to buy. But these differences can become less fun as couples get married and face more important decisions, such as where to live, what kinds of jobs to pursue, how many children to try for, and where to send those children to school.
In fact, from my research I find that the more spouses differ in their propensity for frugality, the more they argue about money, and the less satisfied they are with the marriage.
It is an example of what sociologists call ‘Fatal Attraction’ (this label was founded shortly after the classic 1987 thriller of the same name). The characteristic that attracts us to someone in the first place may be the very thing that turns us off later.
You may be initially attracted to someone because of his or her professional success. Over time, you may realize that their success is only sustainable if they work around the clock. They make time for you when they first try to build a relationship, but once the relationship is seemingly secure, they may let their workaholic tendencies take over.
This may all sound pretty dire, but with a little work, marriages between financial opposites can be completely happy and satisfying. Let me give some advice for financially mismatched couples.
First, I recommend that every partner do it tight-spending-savings scale for themselves and for the other (guess how the other reacted).
You want to compare how your partner sees themselves with how you see your partner. Discrepancies can lead to conversations that lead to greater mutual understanding.
Once partners understand how much they differ on issues of tightness and spending, they are better positioned to make some important decisions.
Behavioral psychologist says his years of research has shown that cash-strapped and spendthrift people are more likely to marry each other than someone like themselves.
His book Tightwads and Spendthrifts explains how couples can have conversations about their finances
For example, if partners disagree about how much to spend on a shared material asset (like a new car), I generally recommend deferring to the more cash-strapped partner. However, if partners disagree on how much to spend on a shared experience (like a vacation), I generally recommend letting the partner who is more of a spendthrift win.
Shared positive experiences are generally better at generating lasting memories and happiness than similarly priced material goods, so this is why I suggest this approach to resolving spending disagreements.
Second, I suggest you take a fresh look at the way money flows into and within your household. The structure of your bank account(s) can have a major impact on your relationship satisfaction. For all couples on fairly solid ground, I recommend using a joint account to receive all incoming money. You want to turn ‘your money’ and ‘my money’ into ‘our money’.
It is a process that you could call ‘psychological money laundering’. Joint accounts can reduce scorekeeping (keeping track of who contributes what) and highlight any income differences between partners.
But – and this is very important – you don’t just want to have a joint bank account. Everyone should be able to spend some of ‘our money’ without being closely watched by their partner. Complete financial transparency can lead to unnecessary arguments over unimportant purchases.
One person may become irritated when he sees how much his partner spends on lattes. However, an afternoon latte may be essential for your partner to get through the day, and saving that money is unlikely to make a meaningful change in your household’s finances.
Partners should have a general idea of how much everyone is spending. For example, we both know that we each transferred $1,000 from our joint account to our separate accounts. Getting more detailed could do more harm than good.
In other words, I prefer ‘financial transparency’ to ‘financial transparency’. Partners should certainly feel free to ask for a second opinion on their spending decisions if necessary. But the standard should not be complete transparency.
Finally, cash-strapped and spendthrift partners need to learn how to give better gifts. Gift-giving opportunities are pivotal moments in relationships when partners reveal how they feel and what they know about each other. A good gift requires sacrifice – the recipient should get the impression that the gift was not easy for the giver to find or obtain.
Tight people and spendthrifts should keep in mind that they have to show sacrifice in different ways. An expensive gift from a spendthrift may be nice, but it is not a meaningful demonstration of sacrifice. When you’re married to a spendthrift, you see them buying expensive things all the time. You know it doesn’t matter to them.
If a profligate donor is going to make sacrifices, he needs to invest some real time and effort into his gift. They have to plan something, make something, or track down something that is hard to find and special to the recipient.
Of course, tight people should also be thoughtful, but spending a lot of money on a gift can be seen as a meaningful sacrifice by a tight gift giver. If I know that my tight-fisted partner finds it painful to spend a lot of money, an expensive gift from that tight-fisted partner means that they may have gone through real suffering to make me happy. That’s quite flattering.
So if you have a tight/wasteful marriage, don’t worry. With some effort, true happiness is possible. After all, look at Lucy and Ricky: despite their differences about money, and their differences about a lot of other things, that was an intensely loving marriage. May we all find that kind of happiness.
Squatters and spendthrifts: Navigating the money minefield in real relationships Scott Rick is published by St. Martin’s Press