Dear Jane,
My sister and I have always been very close. We share everything from clothes to friends and secrets. But one thing we’ve never shared is boys, despite our similarities and closeness in age.
I’ve had a string of boyfriends since I was a teenager. I’m now 26 and have been living with my current boyfriend since leaving university. However, my sister is 28 and has never been in a serious relationship.
So when she recently told me she was “official” with a guy she’d been dating, I was ecstatic for her.
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I decided to have them over for dinner at our house so we could all get to know each other, and it was extremely pleasant… to start with.
Dear Jane: I think my sister’s boyfriend has a crush on me because of something strange he does when she leaves the room.
After the main course, my friend and sister went to the kitchen to clear the dirty dishes, and I stayed with her new partner in the dining room. This is when things got weird.
We were sitting next to each other and I was having a chat when he suddenly interrupted me and whispered, “By the way, you look beautiful tonight.” I was a little shocked, but after just meeting him I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was just trying to make a good impression.
We were all at least half a bottle of wine deep at this point, so I wrote it down with the drink and laughed it off.
But then it happened again.
The next time we met, the four of us went to a comedy show, and while my friend was at the bar getting drinks and my sister was in the bathroom, her friend told me I looked “sexy.”
Before I could say anything, my friend was back with the drinks and the conversation quickly moved on. But I had no more illusions now.
We’ve all hung out several times since then, and sure enough, whenever the two of us are left alone, he makes little ‘compliments’ about my appearance. Most of the time I just smile and try to act normal until my friend or sister gets back. But it can’t continue, can it?
I don’t want to avoid seeing my sister – but I also can’t bear to tell her when this is her first real boyfriend! They really seem to like each other – maybe he will take these comments further?
What should I do, Jane?
International bestselling author Jane Green provides sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about Aunt’s agony
By,
Serpentine sister
Dear Snakey Sister,
Most women know what it’s like to receive unwanted compliments, especially from someone inappropriate: a coworker, a stranger… a family member’s partner.
Whatever the intention, these comments make us feel uncomfortable.
Most women also react exactly the way you did. They smile politely or laugh, and hope to heaven that the comments will stop.
But the thing is, unless you explicitly tell certain men to stop, it’s highly unlikely they’ll get the message.
In one scenario – where you give your sister’s partner the benefit of the doubt – he may naively think that these small compliments will help him ingratiate himself with you.
He might assume that they make you like him more, that he gains your trust by making you feel good. After all, you haven’t given him any indication that you not like the compliments.
The alternative scenario is more depressing: his compliments are part of a nefarious plan to get you into bed.
Either way, it’s time to nip this in the bud.
So the next time you’re alone with him, before he even has a chance to say anything, intervene.
Say something like, “I know you’ve been very complimentary about the way I look lately, but I want you to know that no matter how flattering you find it, I’m not comfortable sharing anything about my appearance.” to hear. . I would appreciate it if you would stop showering me with compliments. Thank you for respecting my wishes.”
If he doesn’t stop then you should tell your sister. Whatever you do, I wouldn’t say that you believe in his true intentions to be sexual – and instead focus on the simple fact that his repeated compliments make you feel uncomfortable, and that he is ignoring your request to stop has ignored.
Ask your sister to deal with him directly.
As hard as it is to be direct, the worst that can happen is that he gets offended. But what if he does? He’ll get over it.