We’ve all lost touch with friends we’re simply too busy to see, or with little in common anymore.
The breakup feels painful, but inevitable, and can last months or even years.
But what happens when you’re at the end of your rope and are considering suddenly cutting ties with someone close to you?
We are increasingly encouraged to ‘draw boundaries’ and only maintain relationships that ‘serve’ us. But a hasty decision to end a friendship can damage rather than heal our sense of well-being, warns counselor and psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer (georginasturmer.co.uk).
Here, she reveals the eight questions you need to ask yourself to figure out if it’s time to dump a boyfriend for good…
Sometimes we reach the end of our relationship with a friend and find ourselves considering whether we should cut ties with someone who is close to being used.
A hasty decision to end a friendship can actually harm rather than heal our sense of well-being, warns counselor and psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer, pictured
1. HAS YOUR FRIEND MADE A ‘DEAL BREAKER’?
Some things are very difficult to come back from, if not impossible. However, not all moral codes are universal, meaning that there are several – and often invisible, at least until they are crossed! – ‘red lines’ in every friendship. Obvious dealbreakers for many may include your friend taking action against your partner or somehow endangering the safety of your children — but most friendships that reach a breaking point end there for less extreme transgressions.
So, has your friend crossed any of your red lines? Perhaps their actions toward others worry you, or make you feel abandoned, betrayed, or violated.
If so, ask yourself if you want to explicitly bring this up with them (see question 7 for help with this). It may be worth having an open discussion, although on the other hand you may feel disappointed if you have to explain it yourself.
If forgiveness is not feasible after careful consideration, it is time to withdraw. But this can be difficult. It’s hard enough when your trust is broken, but ending a friendship can make you feel guilty and like you’re being unfaithful, which is even harder. Stand firm. Remember, you don’t owe anyone the kind of friendship that they don’t return in kind.
2. HOW DOES IT REALLY FEEL TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM?
Go ahead, tune in to your feelings. How would you feel if they entered the room now? Calm, confident, energetic or appreciated? Or perhaps anxious, irritated or overwhelmed. Our friends change our mood and meet our needs in different ways. The party friend, the shoulder to cry on, the wing man, the partner for shared hobbies. But if you’re afraid of seeing someone or find them tiring, listen to your instincts. This doesn’t always mean abandoning the friendship unless you actually feel worse with them around than without them. But setting boundaries, such as limiting the amount of time you spend together, can improve the friendship.
3. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THEIR COMPANY?
It is normal for our tone, mannerisms, sense of humor, and energy level to change somewhat in different company. Good friends can bring out the best in us. But will you become a worse version of yourself with this friend? Someone angry or anxious or gossipy or unfriendly or lacking self-confidence? This comes at a cost: it can have a long-term impact on your self-esteem. Who you surround yourself with matters, so if someone is changing you for the worse, move on.
4. DO THEY NEED MORE THAN YOU CAN GIVE – AND THEY NEVER GIVE BACK?
In difficult times, friends may need us more than usual. But if a friend consistently needs more support than you can provide, it can feel awkward, especially if he or she never returns the favor. Assess what is really going on: should you encourage them to seek professional help? Or is your friend stuck in the role of permanent ‘victim’, forcing those around him to constantly ‘save’ him? If so, try stepping back as a rescuer first and see if the friendship survives. If it works, the relationship becomes more balanced and the ‘victim’ can learn self-reliance. If not, then withdrawing may be the right thing to do.
5. DO YOU LOOK AT IT WITH FEAR – OR WANT TO RUN AWAY?
Some of us hate endings and cling to life. But others actively turn them on and walk away from friends or romantic partners when things start to get intimate. It’s easy to say this is because you value your independence, but it could also be commitment phobia. Think back: If you’ve moved from friendship to friendship over the years and stuck with a few people for a long time, what you call your “independent spirit” might mean you unconsciously put an expiration date on relationships. Is there something deeper going on? If you have internalized the belief that you will eventually be rejected, you are likely to push people away when they become close to you, and protect yourself before that can happen. Is that what you’re doing here? Or is there an objectively good reason to stop things?
6. WHAT EFFECT WILL THIS EXPANSION HAVE?
Friendships rarely exist in isolation. So freeing yourself is not always easy; you might lose more than one friend. To protect yourself, you must consider possible consequences or ‘take sides’. If you lose this friend, will it impact your social life? Is it likely that the “ex” boyfriend is trying to turn other people against you? If so, it’s worth thinking about your support network. Which friends will support you no matter what? And how could you fill your time if the former boyfriend played a major role in your social life?
7. DO YOU OWE THEM AN EXPLANATION?
If you’ve decided to end a friendship, you may feel uncomfortable offering an explanation or apology, but is it the right thing to do? If we don’t explain our actions, we leave the other person feeling “ghostly.” This can hurt. That said, it’s normal to worry about explaining yourself. You may worry about offending the other person or fear their reaction. That makes this a very personal decision. If you are “officially” ending the friendship, it is helpful to use “I statements” where you explain how you feel without blaming. Be clear so they know what to expect from you in the future.
8. DOES IT REALLY HAVE TO END?
As we get older, friendships often follow the same rhythm. But at some point the paths diverge. If a friendship is waning because you currently have little in common or live far away, you may be tempted to consider it ‘over’ – but are you being hasty? This often happens when we are at a different stage of our lives than each other: in our careers, relationships, financial or living situation, or perhaps becoming parents. But think about the future, and the good qualities of that person – the things that originally attracted you to them. Maybe that friend should stay in your life, just in a different way. If so, it might be worth sending a text every now and then and making time for a phone call or a cup of coffee every now and then.