Self-care: why taking care of #1 isn’t always the best thing for your well-being

LLike many people, I find that stress turns me into a nasty combination of Oscar the Grouch and Scrooge McDuck. The more pressure I experience, the more irritable I am – and the less generous I become. I partly blame our culture. I’ve read enough wellness advice to know that I should prioritize my own needs over those of others. And so, when I feel under pressure, I have often made a habit of practicing small indulgences aimed at restoring my mental balance, while isolating myself from all but the most essential social obligations.

After reading the latest psychological research, I’m wondering if this attitude is making my bad mood worse. A wealth of new research has shown that being kind to others is often the most effective way to suppress the physiological and psychological stress response. Whether we donate our time to a good cause, “pay it forward” at a coffee shop, or provide emotional support to a friend in need, altruism can promote our well-being in ways that we simply don’t experience when we treat ourselves. It seems that caring for others is often one of the best forms of self-care.

My interest as a science writer was first sparked by a series of articles exploring the surprising vitality of volunteers. Hundreds of studies show that performing unpaid work for the benefit of others provides a remarkable boost to well-being. These include a greater sense of meaning and purpose, increased self-esteem, higher overall life satisfaction, and a reduced risk of depression. Amazingly, it even appears to reduce the risk of death. “The effect on mortality is really striking,” says Beth Nichol, associate professor at Northumbria University and lead author of a recent scientific overview summarizing the evidence.

In large population studies such as this, it is always possible that a third ‘confounding’ factor could explain the apparent association. For example, volunteers may be in better shape before they even begin their altruistic efforts. “Health is a resource that allows us to participate in society,” explains Prof. Dr. Arjen de Wit, sociologist at VU Amsterdam, explains. Then there’s wealth: wealthier people, who can afford better medical care and therefore live longer, are more likely to volunteer.

However, the scientists have tried to control these possibilities, and a significant result still remains. a recent meta-analysisfor example, assessed the effects of volunteering for people aged 65 and over based on 26 of the best available studies. It concluded that the average volunteer has a 57% chance of outliving the average person who does not volunteer.

A big research led by De Wit, covering data from a quarter of a million European participants, suggests the benefits could be cumulative. “If you continue to volunteer, the effect on your health from year to year can add up, and that can make a difference, especially for older people,” he says.

Before you sign up with a local charity, it’s worth noting that many other altruistic activities seem to provide a similar health bonus. For example, it is also thought that caring for friends or family members – through emotional support or running practical errands – extends lifespan. “The scientific evidence is pretty strong right now,” said Tristen Inagaki, an associate professor of psychology at San Diego State University. “Three separate studies have shown that providing more social support to a husband or someone else what we are close to is associated with lower mortality – so giving more predicts longer lifespan over periods of five, seven and 23 years.”

WHey could this be? One possible explanation is that supporting others only increases physical activity, while we worry about making ourselves useful. However, Inagaki’s research shows that the benefits may lie deep in the brain’s emotional processing.

In an experiment, she asked twenty women to undergo a brain scan while holding hands, who received unpleasant electric shocks. Inagaki saw increased activity in the ventral striatum and septal region – regions known to be involved in reward – and reduced activity in the amygdala, which tends to respond to threat and danger. In other words, providing support seemed to create a warm feeling of pleasure while simultaneously dampening feelings of stress.

Inagaki saw it a similar response when participants donated raffle tickets to a friend or family member. Intriguingly, the magnitude of this neural activity seemed to be related to their habitual behavior. People who endorsed statements like “I give others a sense of comfort in times of need” saw greater changes in these key brain areas.

The regions involved in stress suppression may influence the functioning of the cardiovascular and immune systems, according to Inagaki, which would explain why kind and supportive behavior is important. associated with better health.

It’s tempting to think that we can reap these benefits for ourselves while also making the world a better place for others. The gold standard of any study is the randomized controlled trial, in which participants are assigned the active treatment or a placebo. However, there are some inherent problems with ‘prescribing’ generous behavior and measuring its effects – but a few scientists have tried to overcome these challenges, and their findings are intriguing.

To consider A study led by Ashley Whillans of Harvard Business School, who examined the benefits of gift giving for people previously diagnosed with hypertension.

Each participant received three payments of $40, packaged in a sealed bottle, over six weeks. Half were advised to treat themselves, while the rest were encouraged to treat someone else. “It doesn’t matter how you spend the $40, as long as you spend it on someone else,” they were told.

The result was a significant drop in blood pressure, on top of their existing treatments for high blood pressure. To give precise figures, the generous group recorded 113.85 systolic and 67.03 diastolic mmHg, compared to 120.71 and 72.97 mmHg in the self-service participants. The difference is similar to the effects of taking high blood pressure medications or starting a new diet and exercise regimen.

The greatest benefits seem to arise when we combine our kind and generous behavior with meaningful social engagement. Researchers in Canada and the US gave random passersby on a college campus a $10 Starbucks gift card. Some were told to give the card to someone else without going to the coffee shop, while others were asked to connect the receiver and enjoy a drink together. A third group was encouraged to meet someone but use the card to buy coffee for themselves, while the fourth group was told to go to the coffee shop alone and enjoy some ‘me time’ with their free drink. That evening, each participant completed questionnaires to measure their emotional well-being.

We can guess that most people in the experiment were quite excited about the free voucher, but… the biggest mood boost went to the people who treated their companion to coffee And conversation, maximizing the chance of social connection.

Gillian Sandstrom, a psychology lecturer at the University of Sussex, suspects it’s all about the feedback you get. “I think we know intuitively that kindness is a good thing,” says Sandstrom, co-author of the coffee card study. “But if you just write a check, you don’t get the same feel-good feeling of being able to see the difference you’ve made.” This became clear when her colleagues examined the effects of charitable donations: people get more satisfaction from giving money to someone who is personally connected to the charity than simply putting some money in a collection box.

Inagaki suspects that this applies to many forms of social support; we need to know that our actions have had the desired impact. “If we feel that the care we provide is not meeting the need, or helping the person or the cause, or alleviating the problem, there are reasons to believe that providing that type of care will be less beneficial to health,” she says. say. The effects may also depend on our sense of autonomy. Feeling obliged to cook and clean for an ungrateful family member can be a very different feeling than willingly offering our support to, say, a friend who has just left the hospital and who makes it clear that our efforts are greatly appreciated.

There is still much to discover, including the influence of gender. Most studies show no consistent differences in the quantity of the help provided by men or women, or of the health benefits of those actions. Sandstroms researchsuggests, however, that we have gendered beliefs about the species of help and support we need to provide, and participants often fear that they will violate those norms. A man might feel less comfortable cooking chicken soup for a sick friend, while a woman might expect negative judgment when making household repairs. “Researchers don’t think there is any difference in how nice men and women are, just in the way they portray it,” she says. Overcoming these biases can help us find new opportunities to help others that we are currently missing.

As with any psychological strategy, we should apply the lessons from this study with caution. If you’re having trouble coping, it’s still wise to set clear personal boundaries; There are no benefits to martyrdom.

However, if you do have the time and resources, you may find that prioritizing other care is the perfect antidote to your low mood and lethargy. Despite some initial skepticism, I put this into practice myself. I realized that my irritability is often a sign that I need more contact with others, not less, and so I look for ways to overcome those moments of misanthropy. I consistently feel better because I’ve shifted my mental focus outward—and maybe I’ll even live longer because of it.

• David Robson is the author of The Laws of Connection: 13 Social Strategies That Will Transform Your Life, published by Canongate (£18.99). In support of the Guardian And Observer Order your copy via Guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply