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Narcissism has become a hot topic, with Politico magazine’s controversial article calling 2022 the “year of the narcissist” and highlighting a host of celebrities, from Elon Musk to Meghan Markle, who “wore attention as currency and ego as fuel.
But after reading up on the subject, do you worry that you might be guilty of exhibiting the same traits with a mix of “shameless self-aggrandizement and self-assured charm” surfacing?
Boston-based psychologist Dr. Monica O’Neal told FEMAIL that for those who want to check if they fall into the ‘narcissist’ category, there is a simple three-step test they can take.
She explains that her three “quiz questions” on narcissism are inspired by what Nancy McWilliams, a renowned psychologist and professor at Rutgers University, has written about identifying and diagnosing narcissism. She read on to see where she stands on the narcissism scale.
Controversial Politico magazine article called 2022 the ‘year of the narcissist’
Boston-based psychologist Dr. Monica O’Neal has developed a short quiz on narcissism.
Dr O’Neal says McWilliams has identified three behavioral traits that she says can reveal one’s narcissistic pathology because “each of these behaviors is built from basic human vulnerabilities like love, comfort, needs, and interdependence.” “.
The three traits are as follows: 1) They find it hard to apologize 2) They have a hard time saying thank you 3) They have a hard time saying goodbye.
Someone with a more narcissistic psychology, says Dr. O’Neal, will experience very basic human emotions with ‘a high level of shame and discomfort; experiencing them as signs of someone who is deeply flawed rather than just being human.’ He points out that ‘all this usually happens unconsciously’.
Therefore, based on McWilliams’ diagnostic theory of narcissism, Dr. O’Neal suggests a short test that people can take to see if they are narcissistic:
1. Have your previous partners and friends told you that you never apologize? Or that it is difficult for you to admit your own mistakes/bad behavior without blaming someone else?
Dr. O’Neal says the reason for this is: Narcissists deal with a great deal of shame. They feel deeply ashamed for not being perfect or for not being seen as perfect.
So when it is necessary to acknowledge their imperfect behavior, they cannot do so by apologizing. They cannot genuinely admit a flaw. If they say ‘sorry’, it’s usually ‘sorry… but you made me XYZ’.
2. Do you often find yourself offering praise, rather than just saying ‘thank you’ when you have received support or assistance?
Dr. O’Neal says the reason for this is: When you say ‘thank you’, you are acknowledging that you have some kind of vulnerability or need that depends on someone else’s ability or action.
Instead, a person who is more narcissistic is more comfortable offering praise, rather than thanking someone for their support.
Praise allows them to feel that they are in a position of superiority and prevents them from having to acknowledge their own needs and vulnerabilities.
Again it is about protection from shame for not being perfect but being a needy person, which is absolutely human.
Instead of saying, ‘Thank you for your patience and help when I was struggling with XYZ,’ they’ll say something like, ‘Great job on that project.’
Or instead of saying, “Thank you for being a supportive partner when I was dealing with anxiety about my family staying with us over the holidays,” they will offer an alternative like, “Great job with my family over the holidays. .’
3. When you break up with a long-term partner, you can always be friends with them afterwards…unless they’re crazy. True or false?
Dr. O’Neal says the reason for this is: When we break up with someone we love, sharing a deep and interdependent attachment, it should be painful and difficult.
Insisting on remaining friends allows a person not to acknowledge the painful end of the relationship on their own. A person with a more narcissistic psychology is not required to acknowledge her pain, which indicates love, need, and lack of another.
Also, if your ex refuses to be friends, then a person who tends to have a more narcissistic pathology will often dismiss that person as ‘crazy’ rather than being able to put themselves in their ex’s shoes (empathy) to take into account. realize that breakups and the loss of a partner are immensely painful and that the other person needs space to grieve, heal and move on.
If they did, they would have to tap into their own feelings of loss…indicating a person’s need.
Also, never saying goodbye means they will never have to experience that loss and will always feel like they still have that person’s positive affections (i.e. narcissistic supply).
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