Phoebe, it’s time to drop the surname: I know we have history, writes JANA HOCKING, but calling yourself ‘Mrs Burgess’ after Sam remarried just isn’t a good look. Here’s some friendly advice…

Dear Phoebe,

Sit down, pour yourself a cup of tea and make yourself comfortable. We need to talk.

I know we’re probably not on speaking terms after I was teased while kissing your ex-husband on a night out, but please know that I’m here to wave a white flag and offer some friendly, long-overdue advice.

For the record, let me clarify that footy star Sam Burgess was absolutely yours ex-husband at the time of our clinch. How do I know? Because he was just emerging from divorce proceedings when I met him at the bar in Sydney’s Potts Point all those years ago.

As a side note, there is another elephant in the room that needs to be addressed.

Let me put it bluntly: It’s time to give up the ghost of my husband’s past. Yes, I’m talking about your Instagram account @mrsphoebeburgess.

Of course, I understand why you would want to have the same last name as your children Poppy, 7, and Billy, 5. But the Madam? Darl, it’s been five years since your torturous divorce and he’s now remarried.

There’s a new Mrs. Burgess on the block: British former girl band member turned fashion designer Lucy Graham. And she didn’t waste any time updating her Instagram account to @itslucyburgess. (If she had gone for @mrslucyburgess that would really have been the knife!)

You’ve likened your decision to keep Sam’s last name to “wearing the scars” of your marriage with pride, Phoebe. That’s noble enough, but it makes it seem like you’re a bit stuck in the past, when it’s clear that your ex-husband left long ago.

Now full transparency: I too have held on to men who have long since reached their expiration date. If I’m being honest, there’s a recent ex who wasn’t well – not goodI’m telling you! – but if he answered the phone tomorrow and asked for me back, I would jump in my Fiat 500 and be at his house in no time.

Out of shame, Jana.

We should aim much higher.

Let’s face it, Phoebe: you’re prettier than Sam is – or ever was. You are smarter. You have a fantastic career (congratulations on your new book), a beautiful home in the NSW Southern Highlands and a wardrobe to die for. I mean, your bag collection alone makes women cry with jealousy.

So let’s kick that “ma’am” title to the curb where it belongs.

There comes a time in every woman’s life when she’s faced with two choices regarding ratbag exes: holding on to the past… or picking yourself up, brushing yourself off and looking to the future. A future full of sexy men who love you.

I think you should choose the latter. I know you’ve said in the past that you now live on ‘dry land’, so to speak. I believe your words were, “Well, I got divorced in 2019. It was a good year for me. And yes, no, I haven’t had sex in three and a half, almost four years. I am not willing to compromise that freedom. I’m 33. But I miss a little sex, which has disappeared from my life. I associated that deeply [lack of sex] with a sense of freedom.’

And yes, sister! Preach those virtuous and free-spirited ways. I applaud you. But may I offer an alternative view? I think you should put on a seductive dress, go back to the famous dating app Raya and take some action.

Good lord, if I had your legs, I’d parade them all over town.

You need to start the engine again, go on some hot dates, and it won’t be long before you’re saying to yourself, ‘Sam who? Never heard of him.’

And listen, I’m not saying you should cut him out of your life completely. The odd sly dig in a podcast is perfectly acceptable.

Let’s take a look at past celebrities who handled breakups with the class while still managing to make a cheeky dig:

There’s fashion designer Pip Edwards, who gave the iconic “not my circus” response when asked what role she played in her ex-boyfriend cricketer Michael Clarke’s public brawl in Noosa.

Then there’s Laura Dern, who, while away from home shooting a movie, was ghosted by her fiancé Billy Bob Thornton, who married Angelina Jolie behind her back. Cheeky. So you know what she did? She married a handsome singer named Ben Harper and won three Oscars.

The ultimate combustion.

And let’s not forget Taylor Swift, the queen of handling breakups with class and a touch of sass. She has outed many blind exes with number one hit songs that have made her some serious bank! Oh, and she went on to Ellen and called out Joe Jonas for his 25-second breakup call by saying:

‘One day I will find someone who is really great for me… When I find that person who is right for me, he will be great. And when I look at that person, I can’t even remember the guy who broke up with me over the phone in 25 seconds when I was 18. It was a record, I think. I looked at the call log. It lasted about 27 seconds.”

She backed that up by meeting an American football star, the ridiculously cute (and much taller) Travis Kelce, who worships the ground she walks on. I mean, take a bow!

And do we still place a high value on being a ‘madam’ today? Is it really a badge of honor?

You have worked hard and earned your career and your own personal identity. Who wants one Madam Burges? Yawn. Snoring. (No offense, Lucy.)

So listen, if you need someone to guide you back to the fantastic world of dating, unblock me on Instagram, slide into my DMs and we can grab a cocktail and gush about Sam. (Just kidding!)

But seriously, let’s have a drink and get you back out. The sea of ​​single men is wide and you are too beautiful and smart not to make the most of it.

So say bon voyage to that ‘ma’am’ on your Instagram account, channel your inner ‘Charlotte’ and introduce a little ‘Samantha’ Sex and the City attitude into your life. You never know where it could lead…