MATT BARLOW’S SEASON REVIEW: Harry Styles shared mints with Luton hard-man Mick Harford and the Premier League created something more sophisticated than a breakaway Super League as football continues to defy logic

This season will continue to rumble. Cup finals, globe-trotting practice matches and internationals. It will be another eight weeks before we know the winners of Euro 2024, but the final match in the Premier League looks like a time to reflect on the season that was.

Sir Jim found his way to Old Trafford with the help of his Ineos compass and Jurgen Klopp said goodbye to English football and one of the great modern coaching rivalries. Auf Wiedersehen Pep. There were a lot of goals. Lots of extra time. And a lot of goals in extra time.

Stars twinkled through English football. Everton, Nottingham Forest, Reading, Wigan, Morecambe are all being punished for various financial violations in a sport that is more in the grip of accountants, data processors and sports scientists than ever.

Yet football finds ways to defy logic. It’s just one of the reasons we love it.

Chelsea spent £220 million on two central midfielders and discovered they weren’t really a fit. They bought another for £60million but he was plagued by injuries and was only allowed on the pitch for 32 minutes.

Then he discovered that they had produced one through their own fantastic academy that could play there, and he got them through the toughest part of a difficult season and became captain and by the end they had the look of a cohesive team.

Now they plan to sell him as it is good for the balance sheet so they can outbid Liverpool in the transfer market for another summer.

Before the season started, Hannah Dingley became the first female coach to take charge of an EFL men’s team. She took over Forest Green Rovers for a friendly at Melksham Town in July but hardly sounded enthusiastic about the job.

Probably for reasons that became apparent when the DaleVincibles fell back to the National League under three different managers. David Horseman ushered in the apocalypse before Troy Deeney’s 29-day siege gave way to Steve Cotterill.

Further afield, Ange Postecoglou was ambushed in Bangkok by a German reporter armed with a Bayern Munich shirt with Harry Kane’s name printed on the back. Kane kept his standards high in Germany. Bayern let theirs slip.

Tottenham were addicted to Ange Ball’s tension for ten games and ended the season asking for an alternative. While they are still waiting for trophies, Spurs fans are now reserving their loudest cheers for when Micky van de Ven wins a sprint.

The glamor of the Premier League seeped into the crevices of Kenilworth Road, a contradiction somehow best exemplified by legendary Luton Town hardman Mick Harford sharing someone else’s extra-strength mints with pop icon Harry Styles during a match against Manchester United.

Kevin de Bruyne had a new haircut. Longer at the top, set back, reminiscent of Van Gogh’s Wheatfield with Crows, yet still keeping his eye on a pass. Erling Haaland’s success rate fell below goals per game and he was discarded as a League Two player.

Phil Foden overshadowed them both and Cole Palmer escaped to shine at Chelsea.

Arsenal were coming up with goals from set pieces and everyone was wondering why they hadn’t thought of that first. Some may have wondered what managers do when they have specialist coaches for every part of the game and football directors, a bank of analysts and recruitment consultants to sign players.

Touchline antics and media engagements are the answer, of course.

Declan Rice proved there is such a thing as a good £105million signing. Ross Barkley has proven that you can still find a good one for free and that it is not wise to write someone off. Conor Bradley reminded everyone that exciting footballers also come from Northern Ireland.

Marcus Rashford parked his sports car where he wanted and went drinking in Belfast instead of training in Manchester, blaming the media when people questioned his commitment.

Cray Valley (PM) turned out not to be a wayward time zone near the Greenwich meridian, but an Isthmian League team taking former winners Charlton Athletic to an FA Cup first round replay.

Maidstone United won at Ipswich Town to remind us how the FA Cup still swoons in a style that other cup competitions simply don’t, with a bus driver and an academy coach scoring like a sixth-tier team, bewildering hosts on their way back to the top flight.

The FA then colluded with the Premier League and canceled the replays without proper consultation, much to the dismay of clubs such as Maidstone and Cray Valley Paper Mills.

Ipswich was the great ‘out of exile’ story, but Portsmouth returned to the Championship after flirting with extinction and a decade in Leagues One and Two. Stockport County held off the Disney Princes of Wrexham to win League Two. Chesterfield are back in the EFL.

Sheffield Wednesday steered QPR to the most miraculous relegation escape. With no wins and three points after thirteen games, the Owls made a shambles of the January transfer window and somehow stayed afloat, aided by Birmingham City’s new owners, who turned a promotion race into relegation with the appointment of Wayne Rooney as their great rival Aston. Villa qualified for the Champions League.

Brighton broke new boundaries in their first European adventure by beating Ajax home and away but could not satisfy Roberto de Zerbi and the split, citing football’s equivalent of musical disagreements.

Paul Heckingbottom and Chris Wilder carried out a bizarre reversal of their roles at Sheffield United from 2020/21. At the time, Wilder was acrimoniously sacked despite winning promotion to the Premier League and replaced by Heckingbottom, who could not avoid relegation.

Three years later, despite promotion, Heckingbottom was acrimoniously dismissed and replaced by Wilder who could not prevent relegation.

The three teams promoted from the Championship last season have fallen back, indicating that those wanting to abolish relegation are still working on it and may have found something more advanced than a breakaway Super League.

Meanwhile, the disagreement over the referees reached a new low, culminating in Nottingham Forest’s passive-aggressive statement on VAR Stuart Attwell, a Luton supporter who turned a blind eye to all possible fouls from former Watford favorite Ashley Young.

Critical executives railed against the quality of trustless civil servants, while not railing against the TV companies that make their lives impossible despite providing millions to enable them to pay obscene salaries.

Wolves launched a surprise attempt to take down the entire VAR revolution as the precious metals were mined and space explored to give us microchips in footballs and semi-automated offsides next season.

PS: Brian Pullman, Chelsea’s press steward and keeper of the tea bags for almost 56 years, ended it at the age of 86. Thanks for all the brews and cookies, Brian. Beating Chelsea at Stamford Bridge and Cobham will never be quite the same again.

PPS: Manchester City won the title. Again. Or was it Arsenal?