I have a confession to make: I wasn’t very kind to myself when I was younger. For almost twenty years, I drank excessively, even though I knew it was bad for me. We all know that drinking is bad for our health, but for me it was particularly destructive. I lost a lot because of alcohol – from phones to boyfriends.
Jacket and trousers, Aligne
Then, three years ago, I got sober and finally put enough distance between the real me and ‘boozehound Brenda’ (the alter ego I created as a heavy-drinking student in Edinburgh) to unravel the reasons why I drank. I guess you could call this column ‘The things I wish I had known three years ago’.
Often when people share their sobriety journey, it becomes a big competition. Who abstained the longest? Who was the most confused? I don’t deserve a big badge of honor for getting sober, because the truth is, I only quit drinking in the first place because I wanted a baby more than a spicy margarita.
Since I had already had a miscarriage, I wanted to give myself the best chance of a healthy pregnancy. I have never been good at moderation, so the advice from doctors was to avoid alcohol completely while trying to conceive.
It was easier because I was pregnant during lockdown, when there were no parties to tempt me. Then I stopped drinking after I had Leo, because I was in and out of hospital, seriously ill. By the time the opportunity to drink arose, I had had the chance to see what my life was like without alcohol, and I wanted to hold on to that. I never went to AA; I managed to stay sober with early nights, therapy, and an immense amount of love for my son.
So how did my drinking start? I started drinking at 14 to feel more confident around boys. I went to an all-girls school from the age of three, so I had no experience with the opposite sex. I also had low self-esteem, so when I first discovered this magical elixir that could remove my anxiety and inhibitions, it felt amazing. Suddenly I was fun and entertaining. I’m a natural thrill seeker, so if something promises a dopamine rush, I’m going to pursue it, and I was soon hooked on the euphoria. Some people hate losing control – I loved it. I’ve always been a control freak, and drinking felt like the only way I could switch off my busy brain and relax.
Plus, people loved me when I was drunk. I was the entertainer, everyone’s best friend, always good for a morning-after anecdote. The “hilarious” stories about me peeing on a stranger’s floor certainly kept the conversation going—and no one wanted it to stop! So everyone enabled me. Not that I blame others for my bad behavior, but their praise made it easy to continue to be the clown. By the time I was in college, I was finally playing the character I was assigned.
Behind the party animal facade, the reality wasn’t so funny. I was constantly waiting for an epiphany where I would wake up and my relationship with alcohol could suddenly change. I longed to be the person who could have one glass of wine in the evening.
I do have an addictive personality. I am extreme in all my decisions – it is either a hard yes or a hard no. And it was the same with drinking: once I started, I could not find the off button.
Louise in Ibiza last month with her partner Ryan (left) and brother Sam
By the time I was 21, I was living in a shared house in London. Well, I say shared house – it was more of an open-door policy party palace. One of my best friends lived with me at one point, but she had to leave after three months because she had to start at 5am and the noise was unbearable. Not surprisingly, the house next door went up for sale. And the other side too.
At that time I was in Made in Chelsea and there was always a party somewhere. I was drunk every day. There were a few times when I showed up for filming and hadn’t been to bed the night before. I refused to film once because I was so sick, but they managed to find me, drag me out of bed, and put some makeup on. I was often hungover before important kissing or breakup scenes.
Alcohol has ruined all my relationships. One broke up with me after I said horrible things about his family on the roof of a double-decker bus on the way home from a night out. Another broke up with me because I was so drunk I missed an important appointment. The third time was a bit different: our entire relationship revolved around drinking, so when we weren’t drinking we realised we had nothing in common; we didn’t even like each other.
In my 20s I blacked out weekly. I couldn’t remember hours of a night or even how I got home; I was lucky I wasn’t seriously injured. After every night out it took me at least 24 hours to get back on track. One day of drinking meant at least one day of recovering, retracing steps, texting and apologizing to people. I lost so many phones I had trouble getting insurance.
When I see the mess I was in in black and white, I feel lucky that I got to experience life on both sides of the spectrum – because I now know that I have too much to lose to ever drink again.
What do I wish I had known three years ago?
- When I drink alcohol, bad decisions come out. I would sabotage all the healthy habits I was trying to maintain: my diet, sleep, exercise, brain health, and work would be ruined.
- You can’t keep running away from difficult feelings. Drinking numbed my emotions, which was easier than dealing with them, but I’ve found that if I listen without judgment, I can get through the hard times.
- When I stopped drinking I felt like a horse with its blinders removed, I can see clearly. I am less blurry or distracted and my decision making is incredible.
- Saying no takes practice. No to drinks, no to being the entertainer everyone wants you to be. Some people will make it hard for you to give up, but that’s okay because you’ll find out who your real friends are, and that’s not a bad thing.
- Life can still be fun. I’ve just got back from a sober holiday to Ibiza. I’ve been on many messy trips there over the years, but this time I focused on the calm, spiritual side of the island. It was me, my partner Ryan, my brother Sam and his girlfriend Zara – although I was the only one sober, none of them are big drinkers and we found other ways to laugh. We went dancing, we did cartwheels while others downed shots – but I watched them shiver as they knocked back those sharp, clear drinks and there was no part of me that wanted to join in. I don’t judge others for having fun, but I know people who have ended up in rehab. I know people who have died. And I know I could have been one of them.
FILM DIRECTOR: ESTER MALLOY.
STYLIST: NICOLA ROSE.
STYLING ASSISTANT: HOPE PALMER.
HAIR & MAKEUP: KRYSTAL BUCKLEY WITH OAUI AND GIORGIO ARMANI BEAUTY.