Life coach reveals the toxic traits of Valentine’s Day that can DESTROY your marriage – and three ways to keep the romance alive all year round
A life coach has revealed the toxic qualities of Valentine’s Day that could be destructive to your marriage – and how you should spend February 14 instead.
Hannah Keeley55, from Virginia, uses a combination of faith and psychology to help mothers eliminate stress and transform their lives, including their marriages.
The mother of seven claims that she and her husband, Blair, have not had a single argument in the 34 years of their marriage thanks to their constant communication.
When they get angry with each other, instead of fighting, they share their feelings, expectations, and any internal stories running through their minds.
Life coach Hannah Keeley, 55, from Virginia, uses a combination of faith and psychology to help moms banish stress and transform their lives, including their marriages
The mother of seven claims she and her husband Blair have not had a single argument in the 34 years they have been married thanks to their constant communication.
Speaking to FEMAIL, Keeley explained that the ‘biggest problem with Valentine’s Day is that it sets apart what should be normal in a marriage.’
“Valentine’s Day has a romantic feel to it: candlelight, roses, champagne dinners and hours of intimacy,” she said. “Then on February 15 you go back to ‘normal life’ with busy schedules, sexless nights and strained communication.”
The parenting and lifestyle expert shared three things couples should do to strengthen their marriage and make the Valentine’s Day feeling last all year long.
Normalize intimacy
Keeley explained that the pressure to have sex on Valentine’s Day can be a problem for couples who are not regularly intimate.
“Ask any woman who’s had waxing, plucking and self-tanning in Valentine’s Day oblivion: February 14 often feels like a mandatory sex night,” she said. ‘However, sex is an instrument of power and not a to-do list.’
The life coach warned against experts’ suggestions to “put sex on a calendar or meet a monthly quota to have a healthy marriage,” saying that “the perspective is still flawed.”
She explained that sex is then seen as ‘something of yours’ should do’ and ‘not necessarily what you do’ want to To do.’
‘Sex in a marriage is the culmination of communication, self-confidence, trust and vulnerability. “If any of these variables are off, sex suffers and becomes something you pressure yourself to perform,” she said.
“A couple can normalize intimacy and use it to achieve their healthiest selves if they work daily on the factors that support this.”
Keeley recommended getting into the habit of lovingly touching your partner to establish intimacy.
“If you’re both in the same room, don’t leave without some form of PDA, even if that’s the case — and it will be — for your kids,” she said.
“Intimacy is an energy that you carry with you all day, not just something that comes up a few times a week.”
Keeley explained that the “biggest problem with Valentine’s Day is that it sets aside what should be normal in a marriage.”
The lifestyle expert advised getting into the habit of lovingly touching your partner to establish intimacy. He said it’s “an energy that you carry with you all day long.”
Practice gratitude
Keeley emphasized that couples should practice gratitude every day — and not just on Valentine’s Day.
“Just look around the range of Valentine’s Day cards, they all say pretty much the same thing: ‘I appreciate you,'” she said. ‘Setting aside a day to appreciate your partner is not enough.’
She explained that “marriage is based on mutual gratitude,” and that buying your spouse a dozen roses on February 14 “does not get you an ‘appreciation pass’ for the rest of the year.”
“Recognizing what your partner brings to the relationship and sharing it openly with him or her on a regular basis is not only a good idea, but necessary if you want to have a happy, healthy marriage,” she said.
“Appreciation is not something that is relegated to one holiday, but instead to a mindset that we intentionally foster toward each other.”
Keeley also emphasized that couples should practice gratitude for each other every day, not just on Valentine’s Day
Keeley suggested bringing a notebook and pen to your romantic Valentine’s Day dinner and asking your partner, “How can I love you better?”
Communicate constantly
Keeley explained that couples often try to “keep their mouths shut” to “avoid arguments” on Valentine’s Day, but have an “anything goes” attitude when it comes to communication the rest of the year.
“A marriage is based on communication, but it is often one of the most overlooked aspects of a relationship,” she said.
The life coach suggested bringing a notebook and pen to your romantic Valentine’s Day dinner and asking your partner, “How can I love you better?”
“Be open and practice vulnerability and honesty with each other, and gather some insightful wisdom about your relationship. Talk about how you communicate,” she advised.
‘What are the typical problems? What obstacles stand in the way of intimacy? Is there pain that either of you carries? What does love really look like on a daily basis, and not just on February 14th?
“If you delve deep into your partner’s heart, you will discover that the magic of Valentine’s Day can be a constant experience in your relationship.”
Keeley said you should also start asking yourself self-directed questions when you find yourself angry with your partner.
“Anger is just a feeling that comes up when you feel like a personal rule has been broken, such as ‘my partner must get my approval before making decisions,'” she explained.
‘Before you fight with your partner when you feel the anger, ask yourself why you feel that way in the first place, what rule has been broken and what should be different and why.
“You might even share this internal rule with them as insight into your thought processing, not as an attempt to force them to follow it,” she added.
“Doing the introspective work can actually provide enough clarity to stay deeply connected to your partner all year long.”