Some women with ADHD have given the stimulant drug Vyvanse a rather alarming nickname: the “divorce drug.”
In online forums they describe how they started taking the medication and how they felt the noise in their heads calming down. They feel calmer and more in control and in some cases begin to look at their life and the person next to them differently.
Some say the change has forced them to confront issues in relationships that they had previously tolerated or struggled to make sense of.
But can treating ADHD really cause someone to leave his or her marriage?
Sydney psychiatrist and ADHD specialist Dr. Kieran Kennedy, whose new book This Explains It All: A Psychiatrist’s Guide to Navigating ADHD in Adults is released on September 1, is hesitant to make that leap.
“From what I see, I would generally push back on that,” he told the Daily Mail.
After helping many adults diagnose and treat ADHD, Dr. Kennedy says he often sees the opposite: relationships grow stronger and don’t fall apart.
A diagnosis can change the way you view your past
Dr. Kieran Kennedy (pictured) says he sees relationships getting stronger after being diagnosed with ADHD in adults
The explanation, says Dr. Kennedy, may have less to do with Vyvanse itself and more to do with how profound an ADHD diagnosis can be in adults.
Vyvanse is the brand name for lisdexamfetamine, a stimulant drug used to treat ADHD. It is thought to work by increasing the availability of dopamine and norepinephrine, brain chemicals involved in functions such as attention and impulse control.
For someone in their 30s, 40s, or older, however, a diagnosis isn’t simply an explanation for why they lose their keys, struggle with paperwork, or leave everything to the last minute. It can cause someone else to look back on years of behavior, emotions and choices.
“We’re really looking at life so far and what life means now and what it could mean for the future,” says Dr. Kennedy.
That process can continue once treatment begins. When medication is effective, Dr. Kennedy says the changes can be significant and positive.
That may mean taking a fresh look at their careers, goals and passions. For some, it may also mean examining their relationships and patterns that may have existed for years.
It is not the case that medicines suddenly show whether a marriage is good or bad. As a person’s understanding of themselves changes, they may be more likely to question whether parts of the life they built before the diagnosis still fit.
‘You don’t care about me’
Women call ADHD medication Vyvanse the ‘divorce drug’ (stock image)
Long before a person is diagnosed, ADHD may have already shaped a relationship in ways that neither partner understands.
You forget the important meeting your partner told you about. You wander off while they’re talking, interrupt without meaning to, or impulsively change plans you’ve made together. Maybe you keep promising that you will organize something, but you postpone it again.
For the person on the receiving end, Dr. Kennedy says, this behavior can start to feel personal.
‘There may be a feeling of, ‘You’re not interested in this or me. I already told you that,” he says.
What a partner perceives as a lack of care or attention may actually be related to problems with attention, memory, or impulse control.
Emotions can add an extra layer. Dr. Kennedy says some adults with ADHD may be particularly sensitive to perceived rejection and find it difficult to regulate strong emotional responses.
If no one understands what drives these patterns, the same arguments can persist for years. The person with ADHD may feel guilty for behavior they did not choose, while their partner feels ignored or abandoned.
Over time, Dr. Kennedy says, that misunderstanding can put enormous strain on a relationship and sometimes contribute to its end.
When chemistry feels all-consuming
For some adults with ADHD, the impact can begin long before a relationship becomes bogged down in forgotten agreements and arguments over whose turn it was to do something.
Dr. Kennedy says more and more research is being done on how people with ADHD process rewards, and how particularly stimulating the novelty and excitement of a new relationship can feel. Just as someone hyperfocuses on a new interest or passion, that intensity can sometimes extend to people, attraction, and attachment.
In his own practice, Dr. Kennedy has heard patients describe relationships characterized by “intense highs and intense lows,” including a push-pull dynamic in which couples repeatedly break up and get back together.
Impulsiveness and difficulty regulating strong emotions may play a role in these patterns, he says, although he is careful not to explain every whirlwind romance involving someone with ADHD in this way.
Still, it can provide an additional lens through which to view relationships that begin with an extraordinary rush of attention and intensity, making it difficult to sustain that feeling.
For some people, Dr. Kennedy says, ADHD can be part of what makes these early stages so intense.
ADHD doesn’t stop at the bedroom door
Sex and intimacy can also be part of the picture, although Dr. Kennedy emphasizes that there is no one ADHD type when it comes to a person’s sex life.
For some people, especially those with more hyperactive or impulsive symptoms, problems with impulse control and a drive for stimulation can also affect libido, dating, and sexual behavior.
Dr. Kieran Kennedy has written a book aimed at helping adults navigate ADHD diagnoses
In his practice, Kennedy has heard patients describe relationships characterized by “intense highs and intense lows” (stock image)
“It’s not really a clear hand-in-hand thing,” Dr. Kennedy warns.
Plenty of other factors determine a person’s sexuality, but for some of his patients, these ADHD traits are part of the conversation when they look back on their romantic and sexual lives.
Then suddenly there is an explanation
Imagine arguing about the same things for 15 years, only to discover that there may have been a different explanation underneath all that time.
That can be an emotional settlement for both partners. Dr. Kennedy says a diagnosis in adults often means reliving years of tension and finally talking about what caused it.
For the person with ADHD, this can evoke ‘a lot of shame, guilt, but even resentment’.
Someone who spent years believing he was lazy, selfish, unmotivated, or just “too much” may suddenly understand that some of the things he blamed himself for may have been related to his undiagnosed ADHD.
Their partner, meanwhile, may be confronted with a different interpretation of behavior that they have taken personally for years.
It doesn’t mean that ADHD becomes an excuse for every argument or pain. But understanding where those patterns come from can change the conversation around them.
Dr. Kennedy acknowledges that adjustment can be difficult at first, especially when emotions that have been “bottled up for quite some time” finally surface.
Yet this is also where the story about the ‘divorce drug’ begins to emerge. Instead of seeing the diagnosis driving couples apart, Dr. Kennedy says what he sees most often “far away” is a greater understanding that strengthens relationships.
What if your partner misses the old you?
The treatment may involve an unexpected adjustment. Not everything related to ADHD was necessarily something a couple wanted to change.
A partner may have fallen in love with someone who was spontaneous, energetic and always looking for the next adventure. Maybe that pace suited them both. Then the treatment begins and some of that dynamic changes. This may mean that a couple has to find a new rhythm.
It can be a huge relief for the person being treated to feel calmer or less impulsive. However, their partner may experience the change differently, especially if these traits were woven into the relationship from the start.
“The relationship also has to fit and adapt and change a bit within that,” says Dr. Kennedy.
So sometimes the challenge isn’t that the treatment has revealed a terrible marriage. It is one person changing in a way that feels good and healthy to them, and the relationship they have built together needs to change with them.
So, is Vyvanse really the ‘divorce drug’?
Despite all the talk online, Dr. Kennedy doesn’t believe the nickname tells the real story. His clinical experience shows that ADHD treatment is more likely to strengthen relationships than to end them.
Nor does medication somehow tell a person whether their marriage is good or bad.
But Dr. Kennedy can understand why the nickname came about. Diagnosis and effective treatment can mark a profound period of change, and for some people this also means recognizing that parts of the life they built before diagnosis no longer fit.
If a relationship is one of those, Dr. Kennedy isn’t surprised that someone decides it needs to change. But that’s very different from saying Vyvanse caused the divorce.
Don’t go through it alone
Medication, Dr. Kennedy emphasizes, is only one part of treating ADHD in adults. If someone is in a relationship, the diagnosis does not have to be something he or she has to deal with alone.
Partners often join him for assessment or follow-up appointments, while some couples benefit from therapy as they figure out what the diagnosis means for them both and untangle patterns that may have developed over the years.
Above all, Dr. encourages Kennedy encourages couples to remain curious about what’s happening between them, rather than hastily interpreting behavior as a personal failure or as evidence that their partner doesn’t care.
“Being open to the fact that it could come from somewhere else, and not just a choice or shortcoming of the person themselves,” he says, can help prevent ADHD from “hijacking our relationships.”
‘This Explores Everything: A Psychiatrist’s Guide to Navigating Adult ADHD’ by Dr. Kieran Kennedy will be published by Simon & Schuster Australia on September 1.
