Do you sometimes feel that your partner needs more nurturing than your children?
Even if you don’t have children, perhaps you are always busy arranging and organizing your husband as if he were a teenager? If so, you may have developed a parent-child dynamic in your relationship.
Although it is common, it is not good for a marriage because it causes resentment and undermines passion.
Here, two experts reveal how this happens, the signs to look out for – and how we can bring things back to a more mature affair.
In heterosexual relationships, men often fall into the role of child due to long-standing societal and cultural norms, an expert reveals
What is a romantic parent-child relationship?
Psychologist Amanda Charles, author of The Psychic Psychologist, says: ‘It is when one partner takes on a dominant, caring or controlling role – the ‘parent’, while the other becomes passive, dependent or submissive – ‘the child’. ‘
The parental role can take two forms: nurturing or critical.
‘The nurturing ‘parent’ provides emotional and practical support, while the critical ‘parent’ tends to take control through judgment, blame or micromanagement,’ Amanda explains.
The critical “parent” is often frustrated because he or she feels that the “child’s” partner is not pulling their weight or not meeting demands when it comes to responsibilities.
“This can create a cycle of control, where the person who has taken on the role of ‘critical parent’ feels the need to manage every detail, often unknowingly stifling the growth of the ‘child’ partner,” says Amanda.
“This dynamic can become entrenched over time, with the parent partner becoming increasingly resentful and overburdened, while the child partner becomes more passive and dependent.”
All this can lead to frustration and anger, which stifles a relationship, especially in the bedroom, says counselor Georgina Sturmer. “If we feel like a child or a parent in our romantic relationships, it can get in the way of us seeing our partner as attractive and wanting to feel intimate.”
Why are men so often the ‘child’?
“In heterosexual relationships, men often fall into the role of child due to long-standing societal and cultural norms,” says Amanda.
‘Women have long been taught to internalize the role of caregiver from an early age, while men are raised to focus solely on providing financially.
‘Even now, many boys are socialized from an early age to avoid emotional vulnerability and household chores, which automatically leads to an unconscious dependence on their partner for emotional care and the day-to-day running of the family in adulthood.’
It could also be that a couple who finds themselves in a parent/child dynamic grew up in households where their own parents took on these roles.
In some relationships, this deeply ingrained thinking has not kept up with the times, even though both partners probably work equally hard outside the home.
How do you know if you are the ‘parent’
Even though you work full-time, you take care of everything from cooking and cleaning to childcare and grocery shopping, while your partner spends time ‘winding down’?
Do you manage the finances while your partner is uninvolved or irresponsible with money? When you ask for input on big decisions – a holiday choice, for example – do they show little interest, leaving you to shoulder the burden?
Does your partner turn to you after a difficult day at work expecting comfort and guidance, but when you experience stress or emotional challenges, he or she struggles to provide the same level of support?
Do you feel like you have to “fix” or control aspects of your partner’s life and intervene to meet their personal or professional challenges?
If the answer to more than one of these questions is yes, you may have taken on the parent role in the relationship, says Amanda.
Psychologist Amanda Charles, author of The Psychic Psychologist
How to become equal adults again
A frank conversation is needed, where both partners talk about the impact of the other’s behavior. But it is essential that you do not fall into the parent/child role during this discussion by assuming that the ‘parent’ is right and the ‘child’ is wrong.
“The ‘parent’ must resist the default urge to nag, criticize, and rescue,” Georgina instructs. ‘Let the ‘child’ have autonomy and freedom, even if that might mean making mistakes or not doing things as well as we would like.
“This can be an uncomfortable process because it feels like we have to give up our sense of control.”
Amanda agrees: ‘Real change only happens when the ‘child’ recognizes there is a problem and decides to change.
“Instead, if the ‘parent’ in the relationship focuses on changing their own role and interactions, a ripple effect can occur that indirectly encourages the partner to change their behavior as well.”
‘When one person changes, it affects the dynamics between both parties, forcing each partner to adapt and grow. By increasing their awareness of when they are taking on a parenting role and transitioning into a neutral, adult stance, they create space for their ‘child’ partner to transition into their adult mode as well.”