WARNING: CONTAINS EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT
Sonnet believes she has always been aroused by violent sex and submission.
She remembers having fantasies as early as age eight that were loosely based on the Bible stories she heard in her religious home.
But instead of imagining herself as Mary Magdalene—who washed Christ’s feet with her hair—or as the Queen of Sheba from the Old Testament’s sexually charged Song of Songs, she imagined herself being stoned to death for a sin she couldn’t fully understand, or being publicly humiliated by being paraded through the streets in sackcloth and ashes.
In her book, SubmitShe writes that it was only as an adult, with her extremely understanding and adventurous boyfriend Max, that she discovered the BDSM underworld, a place where she could finally give free rein to her wildest fantasies in real life.
Sonnet’s sexual inspiration was less 50 Shades of Grey and more Hornblower
Her inspiration came not only from 50 Shades of Grey, but especially from the adventurous heroine Hornblower.
Her book isn’t the only one currently exploring women’s sexual desires. Gillian Anderson’s Want compiles anonymous letters from women around the world, detailing their deepest, most racy fantasies. And for some of her contributors, it’s the first time they’ve ever spoken their desires.
But Sonnet (her pseudonym—she wrote anonymously, for obvious reasons) describes how her first forays as a “wide-eyed, excited, enthusiastic, curious, and utterly ignorant” kinky newcomer turned out to be nothing like she’d imagined.
“A fantasy in your head is completely under your control,” she writes. “You are an omniscient puppeteer. It stops and starts when you feel like it, or at least when it’s really time to go to work.
“When you start playing with other people, there’s a big unknown in the equation – them. The idea of ’acting out your fantasies’ turned out to be a misnomer. You can’t act them out, you can communicate them to others and see if you can use them together as inspiration to create a new, unique experience between you.”
For example, if you have a fantasy in your head about being tied up and blindfolded, that works, she says. But in reality, there are details to think about: What are you being tied up with? Do silk scarves feel good? What about handcuffs? Where are your legs? Are the other person’s hands big or small, rough or smooth? How many are there?
‘And most importantly, how do I say when I want it to stop and how do I know for sure that it will actually happen?’
Gillian Anderson’s new book Want is a collection of anonymous letters from women around the world, describing their deepest, most racy fantasies
If you have a fantasy of being tied up, there are actually details you need to consider
Sonnet’s research made her realize that she wasn’t interested in dressing up as an animal — ‘but that doesn’t mean we can’t respect each other’s beautiful strangeness’
Her memoir ‘Submit’
But as she and Max met more people in that world, they learned about the language, the acronyms, and the etiquette that went with it. They also read a lot of books and went to a lot of workshops.
“We’ve done a lot of thinking and a lot of talking,” she says. “We’ve made mistakes and been to some absolutely horrible events. We’ve met lifelong friends and some really weird people.”
And as she went along, she discovered her own specific likes and dislikes.
‘I learned that most of my desires could be described as BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism), multiplayer (group sex), and exhibitionism (being consciously watched). I enjoyed playing with men, women, and the non-binary. I learned that I had little interest in voyeurism (watching people without their knowledge) or fetishism (certain objects or body parts).
‘One of the greatest lessons we learned was tolerance and acceptance. You may not want to piss on me and I may not want to dress up as an animal, but that doesn’t mean we can’t respect each other’s beautiful weirdness.
A fantasy in your head is completely under your control, she writes. But when you play with other people, there’s a big unknown in the equation
“And sometimes things you never thought you’d like turn out to be your favorites. How do you know if you don’t try?”
She also became convinced that while many find her sexual preferences abhorrent, there are more people like her than they care to admit.
She cites the largest study of sexual desire ever conducted in the U.S., by social psychologist Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, who reported that only four percent of women and seven percent of men had never had a BDSM fantasy.
“Sixty-three percent of women have forced sex fantasies. Eighty-seven percent of women have group sex fantasies,” she writes. “Forty-five percent of people fantasize about fetish objects and forty-two percent about exhibitionism.”
A survey of sexual desire in the US found that only four percent of women and seven percent of men had never had a BDSM fantasy
When she first received a cane, she wrote of the experience: ‘The first blow was a tremendous shock. The sound was deafening and I felt the pain ripple through my body’
However, she had never considered pain as a personal fetish until she met a man she named Anthony.
“Pain was interesting,” she writes. “My secret submissive fantasies, before I ever started sharing them, were much more about humiliation. When I imagined myself being tied to a ship’s mast and whipped (thanks, Hornblower), I wasn’t fantasizing about the feeling of the whip tearing my skin apart; it was more about the people watching it happen.
“I wasn’t sure if I really liked physical pain.”
But when Anthony asked if he could give her a stick, to her own surprise she said yes.
“The first stroke was a huge shock,” she writes. “The sound was deafening and I felt the pain ripple through my body. I suddenly felt hot and clammy all over and felt the adrenaline rushing through me. I sat up in fear.
“No,” he said calmly. “Four more. You’re okay.”
‘Somehow my body agreed.’
She never thought she would enjoy the sexual pleasure that comes from pain. She says she wanted more and more, exposing her body to the increasingly violent blows of Anthony’s collection of sticks and whips as he left red, swollen, painful welts on her body.
The retelling makes it difficult to read. But she writes, “The more I saw Anthony, the more I trusted that I would enjoy him, that he would test my boundaries and push me further; and that in reality I would be completely safe.
‘For me, offering my skin to a master with a stick is a sign of trust.’
She adds controversially: ‘I’m not sure if it’s really anything more than sharing my hopes, dreams or desires with a partner or friend.
“They are both extremely vulnerable places, but as far as I’m concerned they are both well worth the risk.”
Submit by Sonnet is published by Grand Central Publishing