How to become the sexiest person in the room: A top psychotherapist lists six ways to turn yourself into an object of desire – and it’s NOT about your looks…

Who wouldn’t secretly enjoy being the sexiest person in the room? Of course, most of us consider it impossible. We believe that our age, face or figure exclude us. But luckily we were wrong. ‘This has nothing to do with appearance or overt sexuality,’ says relationship and psychosexual psychotherapist Clare Faulkner. We all know people who are not conventionally beautiful or handsome, but who become more and more attractive the more we get to know them (unfortunately the opposite is also true). Everyone can boost his or her sex appeal. Here, Clare lists the essential ingredients and skills to become an object of desire…


Confidence is undeniably attractive. When you radiate self-confidence and feel good about yourself, others are naturally attracted to you. So how can we nurture it? Developing self-confidence is about knowing your worth, your strengths, and learning to be unapologetically yourself. Developing a unique style is part of this. It’s not about dressing ‘well’ or ‘sexy’, but about presenting yourself in a way that suits you. Style can reflect your personality and make you feel confident. We can also become better at trusting ourselves by tuning into how we feel, rather than how we look.

TV chef Nigella Lawson is the epitome of the sexiest person in the room


Body language is a big part of this. Think about cultivating a relaxed posture, making eye contact, smiling often, and using your body in ways that are inviting and draw people to you. Use gestures and facial expressions to convey warmth and interest. This also ensures that self-confidence doesn’t turn into arrogance (although that can be sexy too, especially if we’re looking for an affair rather than marriage!). But usually, when a spark of conversation occurs, it’s not because one person is talking non-stop. There is balance, an equal distribution, a give and take – a beautiful dance is taking place.


If you are restless, nervous or distracted, turn your attention inward. In contrast, people who are “present” seem at ease and at ease with themselves. Because they are not self-conscious, they are able to give others their full attention – to really notice what is going on – which is very tempting.

You can help cultivate this peace by practicing yoga, which connects you with your body and the outside world. When we feel balanced and relaxed, we are more available to interact with other people.

Or, if yoga isn’t your thing, try just hitting the pause button. We are all so busy, always focused on work or ‘life administration’, that it becomes more difficult to connect with people. We need to soften more, be intuitive and slow down. So try to stay in the moment. Turn off your notifications and put that screen away. If you’re stuck on their phone and texting, that’s very unsexy. It doesn’t make you look important or in demand, but instead sends a signal that you’re just not connected to the person in front of you, which is very off-putting. If you want to be magnetic, try to be fully present in the room, not in the corner on your phone.


Charisma is about how you conduct yourself, and it is also about how you interact with others. The energy you project is important (if that sounds woo-woo, think about how some people make you feel tired and empty, while others seem to light up the room with joy). It is not difficult to radiate with beautiful energy. It’s about being involved, being genuinely interested in the other person and really listening. When you are curious and ask questions – naturally rather than in a rat-a-tat-tat interrogation style – that enthusiasm is contagious and exciting. People feel a chill and don’t want to leave your job.

'Sensuality is defined in the dictionary as "the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure".

‘Sensuality is defined in the dictionary as ‘the pleasure, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure.’


Being sincere plays an important role in sex appeal. So embrace your own unique quirks and interests, foster a sense of purpose, and let your real personality shine through. Authenticity is the key word here. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. Being passionate about what matters to you is fascinating. That said, extreme seriousness can be a bit emotionally draining — which is why humor and authenticity make great bedfellows. Fast intelligence is very sexy.


Sensuality is defined in the dictionary as “the pleasure, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure.” But beyond sexual pleasure, there is something very seductive in someone who enjoys simply living and using his senses. To me, that’s what’s sexy is. If you can, really embrace your senses fully. Connect with your sensory world, whether you enjoy the feeling of the air on our skin, the smells of spring or the taste of delicious food. Eroticism is not something that just happens between the sheets. When we are connected to our senses, it radiates outward. Not convinced? Two words: Nigella Lawson. So many men say, ‘the way she talks about food, she’s so sexy.’ Another great way to refresh your sensory connection is through dancing. So if you want to increase your sex appeal, eat, dance – enjoy life!