DEAR JANE: I set up a nanny-cam and caught the babysitter doing something horrifying in my bedroom

Dear Jane,

I discovered something suspicious and don’t know what to do.

My husband and I both work full time, so we need a nanny who can watch our one-year-old son five days a week.

It is very difficult to find the right person. We have already had to fire two women because they repeatedly showed up late or canceled at the last minute.

A few months ago we finally found our current sitter through an agency.

She seemed perfect. She is 32, kind, reliable, very experienced and our son seems to love her.

But last week I discovered something strange.

When we were having trouble with our first babysitter and my son was very young, my girlfriend suggested that I install a “nanny cam” so I could keep an eye on him while I was at work.

We bought one on Amazon and put it on a shelf in our bedroom, facing his crib. It’s not hidden, but it’s not immediately obvious when you look around.

When I came home from work last week and went to hang up my coat in the closet, I noticed that a pair of my shoes had fallen on their side.

I am a hyper-organized person. I have a specific system for where I hang things and I always put them back in the same place so I notice when things are out of order.

I told my husband what had happened and he said I probably knocked the shoes over without realizing it. It seemed possible so I just tried to forget about it.

But when I came back a few days later, I saw that my jackets were torn.

Because I was afraid that something strange was going on, I decided to check the camera footage.

I fast forwarded the day and everything seemed normal. The nanny came into the room to put our son down for his afternoon nap and walked out.

But then, 20 minutes later, she came back and went straight to my closet, opened the doors, and took out a few things.

Then she took off her own clothes and put on mine. She posed in front of the mirror and took selfies.

I was completely shocked – but it got even weirder. She disappeared from sight and came back a few seconds later… with an expensive lipstick from my makeup bag!

She applied it in the mirror and then took more pictures, all while my son was sleeping in his crib.

Surprised, I showed the images to my husband and he thought they were very funny.

I don’t find it funny. I find it invasive and weird. Now I wonder how many times she’s done this.

The problem is she is so great with our son, finding another nanny would be such a hassle, but I also don’t want her messing with my stuff.

She clearly doesn’t know we have a camera in the room and I would feel very uncomfortable confronting her about this, but this can’t go on any longer.

Should I confront her about this…or just fire her right away?

By,

Nanny Spy

Dear Nanny Spy,

What a disturbing and creepy event.

When someone enters your private space without permission, it can feel incredibly invasive. Even if, as you point out, she’s not doing anything outwardly horrible.

However, she is is to go too far in a way that is completely inappropriate.

I don’t think you should fire her. But you should sit her down and let her know that you have the nanny cam and saw her do this, no matter how awkward that conversation may be.

Ask her what’s going on and why she’s going through your things, then listen to what she has to say.

I imagine she will feel mortified and never do it again.

It seems that she is guided by a curious impulse and that she does not understand clear boundaries, so it is important that you set them now.

Remember: say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it meanly.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dear Jane,

I’ve been struggling socially lately and I hope you’ll share some of your experiences with me if you participate in mom friendship groups.

I have been part of a close-knit group of mothers for a number of years now. Our girls are all about the same age and we met when they were all in kindergarten.

Before I knew it, I was spending a lot of time with these other moms.

We had coffee together or went to Pilates classes after dropping the kids off at school. We took turns organizing playdates, often drinking wine together while the kids played and became friends themselves. And there were weekend dinners with our respective husbands. You get the idea.

But our girls are now in high school, which inevitably means little dramas between them. And as such, I feel increasingly protective, not wanting to share what’s bothering my daughter with the other moms. It all felt too close for comfort.

I’ve tried to distance myself from the group, but they still spend time together as if nothing has changed. It’s like I never existed.

I see them posting on social media about all sorts of fun outings, laughing and having fun, and it takes me right back to that FOMO feeling from high school.

I would still like to have them in my life – even if it’s not as close as before. But I can’t help but feel a little betrayed.

By,

Mean Girls Survivor

Dear Mean Girls Survivor,

Oh, how I sympathize with your letter. I know all too well the mean girl behavior that can exist within mother groups. Especially when daughters are in high school and all sorts of dramas are escalating.

When my daughter was growing up, I avoided such leftovers like the plague.

I’ve never understood why a woman would choose to join. Too often mom friends aren’t real friends, they’re situational friends. You’re all brought together because of your kids, not because you have anything in common per se.

I think it’s good that you’ve distanced yourself from your group. Maybe now you should take it a step further: mute the other women on Instagram so you’re not forced to watch social events you’re not invited to.

And instead, focus on building a network of friends you really enjoy – women who would want to be your friends whether you had kids or not.

Life is too short to spend time with people who create fear or drama in your life. True friendship should be easy.

I promise you that your daughter will not suffer if you withdraw.

If you remove yourself from the situation, she will at least learn how to be an individual who doesn’t give in to peer pressure. She will learn that her mother dances to the beat of her own drum – and that she can too.