Dear Jane,
Last week I was brought into my son’s school by his teacher – who informed me that my 12-year-old was ‘bullying’ other children and that the situation had become so dire that she felt she had to step in and take mass. .
I was absolutely shocked. My son is a wonderful young man and my husband and I are both extremely proud of who he is growing up to be. He is independent, intelligent and strong-willed, all of which we believe are great qualities in a person.
However, his teacher apparently thinks otherwise. She said he has ‘bullied’ other children to the point where they have ended up in tears. That he has gotten into arguments with his peers during class discussions that – again – have left some of them in tears. According to her, he has a hard time ‘listening to others’.
I asked her if he said anything mean or rude, and she admitted that she hadn’t, but said that he is sometimes very ‘strong’ in the way he expresses his opinions.
Dear Jane, My 12-year-old son’s teacher has accused him of bullying his classmates – but I think he’s just more independent and mature than they are.
I’m so sorry to sound insensitive here, but it sounds a lot more like the other kids in his class need to toughen up and learn what it means to have a proper conversation?
We don’t live in a world where everyone will accept and respect what you have to say. And sometimes you’ll run into people who are stronger-willed and more dominant in a group setting. This is just the order of life.
Does it feel like my son is being asked to stunt his own personal growth in order to make other kids feel better? And that’s not something I’m going to stand for.
After my meeting with his teacher I discussed everything with my husband, we both agree that we can’t just bow to the teacher’s wild accusations – but I would love your advice on how you think we should handle this with the school?
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her auntie column Dear Jane agony.
I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill here, but I feel like the other kids in my son’s class need to be told what it’s like in the real world before they go making wild accusations about his behavior.
from,
Mother’s instinct
Dear Mother’s Instinct,
As a mother of six children, four of whom are boys, I applaud you for raising an independent and intelligent son – an independent child, of course, is an essential part of your job, which is to raise a child with the skills to go out into the world as a good adult.
Being strong-willed isn’t inherently wrong, and you’re clearly relieved to hear that he hasn’t been mean or rude.
But being overbearing, forcing your thoughts on others, dominating conversations is not, as your son’s teacher is trying to communicate, a recipe for success. In fact, as his classmates are discovering, those kinds of character traits can alienate others and ultimately end up with your son getting less of what he wants, rather than more.
You don’t have to defeat a strong will, in fact, I’m not sure that’s even possible, but what is possible is to make your son aware of the impact his behavior has on others.
Whatever our natural impulses, we can all learn to temper them, hold back and give others the space to speak, to respect everyone around us, without numbing or silencing what we have to say. .
Much has been said these days about kindness being the most important trait we can teach our children. Equal to this, I would argue, is being aware of the impact our behavior has on those around us.
Your son is annoying his peers, which suggests to me that he may grow up to be a young man who annoys his colleagues and friends. No matter how talented your son is, steamrolling over everyone to get his way can bring him success, but at what cost?
Ensuring that everyone around us is treated with respect and kindness does not hinder personal growth; in fact, it’s the opposite: it’s ensuring that your son, with his intelligence and independence, adds a degree of emotional intelligence and self-awareness that can enhance his life, rather than complicate it.
Dear Jane,
My husband of 56 years passed away not too long ago and shortly after he died I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. To say it’s been a tough few months would be an understatement.
However, this terrible time has been made worse by the fact that my daughters have basically ignored me since their father died. I try to keep in touch with them once a week by text, but they only reply with one line. They rarely talk to me, email me, or even write to me just to check in.
I certainly don’t need my children to give up their lives to take care of me, but I thought they would at least ask how I am, or offer help? I feel so hurt and ignored by them – especially because they didn’t act this way when their father was alive.
I haven’t said anything because I know they’re busy – they’re always spending the holidays with their in-laws and they have their own lives – but now that I’m alone, it would be nice if they would at least stop by and see me once in a while.
But when I ask them to come, even at Christmas, they tell me I’m needy.
I don’t know what to do – I’m so lonely and hurt but I don’t know how to tell them this without getting defensive and attacking me?
from,
Abandonment Matters
Dear Abandonment Matters,
I am so, so sorry for all the horrible things you are going through. It is unimaginable that you have to lose your husband, deal with your illness and feel that you have lost your daughters above all.
The hardest thing about answering such letters is how little we know. I have no idea if something happened, or what their history might be with you, but it seems their behavior towards you is unlikely to change.
Every time you try, you will get hurt more and I am asking you to stop, as hard as this is.
As you have tragically discovered, life is short and you owe it to yourself to focus on the things that bring you joy and not pain. At this point, the best advice I can give you is to accept that your girls can’t give you what you need and try to let go of any expectations of them.
But you urgently need support. No one understands your situation, your fears and your loneliness better than other people living with terminal cancer.
Studies show that cancer support groups reduce loneliness, increase self-confidence, reduce depression and decrease anxiety. In addition, they often help in relationships with family and friends.
Ask your doctor, nurse or hospital social worker about local support groups and visit the American Association for Cancer Research – aacr.org – for a complete list of resources. The American Cancer Society runs thousands of cancer support groups around the country.
I am sending you lots of love and strength and keeping you in my prayers.
(tagsTranslate) daily mail(s) female