DEAR JANE: My neighbors are doing TERRIFYING things in their backyard – am I going crazy or should I call the police?

Dear Jane,

My husband and I moved into a new home last month. We left our apartment and city life behind and moved into a much more spacious home in the suburbs.

To say it was a culture shock would be an understatement…

But I promised myself that I would embrace the positive aspects of suburban living and I made an effort to introduce myself to the people in our neighborhood, especially the neighbors on both sides.

When you live in an apartment building, you don’t really have a great sense of community, which was something I was really excited about when we moved.

The couple on our right are so sweet, but very old (you have to talk really loudly to talk to them, if that makes sense), and I have to admit I was a little afraid my visions of backyard hangouts with our neighbors would evaporate when I met them. Luckily, the couple on the left were only a few years older than us, very friendly, and seemed incredibly excited to welcome us into the neighborhood.

Our first weekend in the new house they invited us to a BBQ and invited us to spend the 4th of July with them. They said we could use their pool whenever we wanted…it honestly felt like my dream of being best friends in the neighborhood, sitcom style, came true.

But the night of that barbecue we heard some terrifying screams coming from their backyard. I’ve never really understood the term “blood curdling” but this terrifying sound made me realize what they always talk about in the movies.

I’m not kidding when I say I ran out the door and looked over the fence to see if everything was okay, but there was nothing to be seen.

The next day I went there to see if anything was wrong, and when I mentioned the screams they looked at me with a completely blank look, said they hadn’t heard anything and asked if it was a nightmare? At that point I was so nervous and upset that I just shrugged it off.

Days later the screaming started again. Again I ran outside, again there was nothing.

Two days later a bright light started shining in our bedroom window. Almost like a police searchlight from a helicopter? When I looked out it looked like it was coming from their backyard, but when I went outside it was gone. I went up to them again to ask if they had seen anything, and again I was met with blank stares.

Last night the screams came back again.

I know I sound like a lunatic here, but I can’t help but feel like they’re playing some kind of deranged joke on us? There’s no way they’re not hearing the same screams we are – in fact, I’m surprised the entire neighborhood hasn’t complained yet. They seem so nice on the surface, so I feel ridiculous even blaming this on them, but this whole thing is really starting to creep me out.

I’ve told my husband I want to call the police and have them investigate, but he’s afraid that we’ll completely alienate ourselves from the neighborhood…

Do you think I’m crazy or do I have legitimate cause for concern?

By,

Mysterious mania

Dear Mystery Mania,

This sounds more like the beginning of a horror movie or a psychological thriller.

I can imagine how upsetting and sad this must be, but I don’t understand why your husband doesn’t want you to call the police. You should at least record this on your phone.

Don’t blame the neighbors, but see it as a mystery that needs to be solved. Enlist the neighbors to help solve the riddle.

Unless you’re hallucinating, it seems like other neighbors must have heard something. Talk to them, explain that you’re going to be an amateur detective to get to the bottom of the mystery, instead of placing the blame on one family.

I don’t see how anyone in the neighborhood could blame you for calling the police and, as stated earlier, encourage you to collect evidence.

I wish you much happiness and a peaceful evening.

Dear Jane,

A few years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have accepted it and learned to live with it. However, my immediate family has cut off all contact with me since the diagnosis.

Mental health is a taboo subject in my family and I feel like they are all deeply ashamed of me for what I go through and for taking steps to address my mental health instead of just pretending nothing is wrong.

Instead of accepting me for who I really am – and thereby accepting that mental illness is real – they decided it was easier to cut me out of their lives.

The first time I saw my mother in two years, she refused to talk about how I was doing. When I asked her if she wanted to come to therapy with me, she pretended not to hear the question and quickly changed the subject.

I am proud of how far I have come and the work I have done to manage my bipolar disorder, but the situation with my family makes every day feel like a struggle. And honestly, it makes me feel unloved. I spend holidays alone, my birthdays go by without so much as a text message, and I live in constant fear that the people who are still in my life could abandon me at any moment.

I feel like I’m in a vacuum. I don’t really have any family, but I can’t let go of the hope that they will come back into my life one day.

Is there any hope or am I fooling myself?

By,

Lone Ranger

Dear Lone Ranger,

I feel so sorry for you that you have to go through this and I would like to congratulate you on taking such good care of yourself and dealing with your bipolar disorder in the right way.

One of the hardest things to accept in life is that we are powerless over other people. No matter how much we want them to behave the way we want, the way we think they should, people will always disappoint us.

It’s helpful to remind ourselves that people generally do the best they can with the knowledge they have.

Your family clearly suffers tremendously from mental health issues, so maybe try to meet them where they are, rather than where you would like them to be. This would allow you to see your mother, and maybe your family, without having to bring them along on your trip, without having to ask them to come to therapy with you.

It means leaving your mental health issues at the door when you get there. This may sound like a daunting task, especially since we live in an age where we tend to define ourselves by our issues, want everyone to know, want support.

I believe that you can have a good relationship with your family and that you don’t have to be defined by bipolar disorder.

If you are on your medication and your symptoms are under control, I would encourage you to just live your own life, involve your family, and leave the conversations about your mental health to the professionals.