Sit down, pour yourself a wine and buckle up, because this is a topic guaranteed to raise eyebrows – and maybe even make you wonder just how ‘straight’ you are.
You see, I was chatting with my loyal followers on Instagram the other day when I noticed a recurring theme: the sheer number straight-identifying men who have slyly messed with other guys – and the women in their lives have no idea.
Every week I invite my sweet circle on social media to share their ‘secret secrets’ (you may have read some in my Sunday column) and like clockwork I have men flood my inbox with stories of hooking up with male colleagues, teammates , their sister’s gay friend – the list goes on.
A man who resembles the dictionary definition of a red-blooded heterosexual told me last month that he had another man give him a blowjob at a wedding.. Like it wasn’t a big deal!
But for every “I’m not gay, but…” story, there are wives and girlfriends who would undoubtedly be shocked to learn what their husbands are secretly up to. So I decided to contact them for stories about how they found out their husbands and boyfriends were secretly playing with other men.
Even though sexuality is a spectrum (it’s almost 2025, folks!) women are, understandably, pretty devastated when they hear that their men aren’t as loyal (or straight) as they’d like to believe. Some of their stories are heartbreaking.
So today I’m sharing some of these wild stories for Mail+ readers. The names have been changed for obvious reasons.
Sophie, 29: ‘It started with a bank statement.’
Jana first came to realize that there are a lot of ‘straight’ men who have been messing around with other guys when she started asking people to share their saucy secrets
‘I always thought my friend Nick was the alpha type: gym rat, loves sports, you know the type. But I started to notice something. He was unusually distant, and one evening I found a bank statement showing charges from a very *specific* gay bar in Sydney.
‘When I asked him about it, he denied it was anything. Then, two months later, I found his messages on Snapchat with another man. Explicit messages. It felt like the floor was being pulled out from under me.’
Sophie says that after Nick confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he had been experimenting with his sexuality.
“I wasn’t mad that he was bi-curious. I was hurt because he didn’t tell me. It felt like I didn’t know him anymore.’
Laura, 35: ‘His browser history said it all.’
Laura had been married for seven years when the truth about her husband came to light in the most clichéd way.
‘It was 2am. He was snoring next to me and I had to check flights for our holiday on the laptop. A tab appeared for a gay dating website. I was frozen. I couldn’t believe what I saw.
“The next day I asked him directly, and he just sighed and said, ‘Sometimes I look. I don’t act on it. I’m not gay.’
For every “I’m not gay, but…” story, there are wives and girlfriends who are shocked to learn what their husbands are secretly up to. So I decided to contact them (stock image)
Laura eventually sought help for herself to come to terms with what it all meant.
‘I wasn’t angry because he looked at men. I was upset because I wondered, did he ever want me? Was I enough? It’s been two years and I still don’t have all the answers.’
Stephanie, 32: ‘He gets out if he receives d*** photos’
‘I discovered that my partner had downloaded Grindr, a dating app for gay men, by looking at his phone. When I confronted him about it, he claimed he had never been with a man, but he enjoys receiving damn photos from other men. I’m calling BS about this.
‘I also noticed he had WhatsApp installed and I suspect he also messages men directly there, but his account is password protected so I can’t confirm. He seemed very upset when I confronted him and admitted to sending photos and videos.
“I’m still with him, but I can’t stop thinking about that app and what else he could be hiding.”
Maisie, 53: ‘I found the love letters.’
Maisie’s story takes the cake for sheer drama.
“We were moving and I was sorting through the boxes in the garage. Then I found them: old love letters. At first I smiled, thinking they were mine. Then I realized they belonged to another man.
‘The letters were from a colleague with whom he used to travel for work. They were romantic, intimate and written over the years. I got sick reading them.
‘When I confronted him, he admitted he was having an affair. He said he wasn’t gay, but had a “bond” with this man that he couldn’t explain. To this day I don’t know if it was love, lust or a little of both. We are divorced now and I am still picking up the pieces.”
A woman said to Jana, “The betrayal wasn’t the sex. It was the lying. If he had been honest, I would have understood.”
So why are so many men ashamed to come out and be proud of their sexuality?
During a conversation with a therapist friend, he told me, “The reality is that many people suppress their true selves because they are afraid that society will not accept them.
‘For men, the pressure to conform to traditional roles – straight, married, father – can be expected. Over time, that repression builds tension, and in some cases leads to actions or revelations that shock their partners.”
He continued: ‘Sexuality is complex and far from linear. Curiosity doesn’t magically disappear just because someone says, “Yes, I do.”
‘For some, these hidden feelings or experiences come to the surface later in life, leaving their partners to grapple with what it means for their relationship and sense of trust.’
Wouldn’t it be great if everyone could just feel comfortable living their truths? Because I certainly don’t care where someone is on the spectrum of sexuality.
But what does it mean for relationships? As one woman said to me, “The betrayal wasn’t the sex. It was the lying. If he had been honest, I would have understood.’
The truth is that relationships are messy, people are curious, and modern love is anything but simple. If you think your man can go either way, why not do what I did with an old ex? I took him to a bar, bought him a shot of tequila and just asked him directly.
He was shocked and denied it, but at least I let him know that if he ever wanted to explore that side of himself, I would have no problem with it. No one should be stuck in a closet they don’t want to be in.
So cheers to the wild, complicated, and always surprising world of modern relationships. Who needs a rom-com when you have real life?