DEAR JANE: My wife has a terrifying bedroom problem and it has destroyed our sex life

Dear Jane,

My wife and I have been together for ten years and we are so happy that, looking back on those ten years, it feels more like two years.

We have three children. After our third was born last year, we decided to look for a larger house in the suburbs.

We searched for the perfect property for seven months and we were both at our wits’ end. We finally found what seemed like the perfect house in September.

It was huge, near a great school and had a beautiful garden. We were so over the moon that we immediately told the real estate agent: we’ll take it with us. Only then did the officer announce the catch: the last owner had died in the bedroom.

I didn’t think anything of it. The owner was old and died of natural causes, and the officer only told us because in California you have to legally report all deaths in the past three years.

But my wife thought differently. Immediately she started saying that she felt a negative energy coming from above.

I tried to calm and reassure her by reminding her that she had not felt the negative energy before the officer mentioned the death and that she was probably just tired.

Eventually she came along and we bought the house and moved in. Then the problems started.

The very first night we stayed there, we popped open a bottle of champagne to celebrate, and after the kids went to bed, we headed upstairs to our new room. We got into bed and I tried to kiss my wife, but suddenly she just shook her head, eyes wide.

Stunned, I asked her what was wrong. In response she whispered: It’s haunted.

My wife had never believed in ghosts, so I tried to laugh it off. But she was having none of it and has flat out refused sex in the bedroom ever since.

She doesn’t mind sleeping there, but sex is definitely out of the question. Apparently the mind only feels ominous when we enter into a romantic relationship.

By,

(Lack of) Spirit

International bestselling author Jane Green provides sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about Aunt’s agony

Dear (lack of) mind,

As hard as this is to hear, your wife may not be as happy in your marriage as you are.

Her refusal to have sex is probably not because she felt a paranormal presence. Although, ghosts are certainly a much more inventive excuse to avoid sex than, say, a headache.

There may be something else going on in your bedroom.

The key to bringing intimacy back into your marriage is… not It involves hiring an exorcist. This will be done through open communication.

Consider that her lack of sex drive may be hormonal, or perhaps due to exhaustion from having young children. She may even be holding grudges that she hasn’t been able to express to you.

No matter what the cause of this problem is, you won’t find out until you demand an honest conversation.

Confront her (in a friendly manner) about her somewhat ridiculous excuse that the bedroom is haunted (not enough to move beds, mind you).

If it is indeed the case that your wife is feeling overwhelmed, I would suggest that she is convinced that she is taking on too much of the burden in the family. That can make someone boil with resentment. And nothing makes a woman feel less in the mood than secretly resenting her man.

Support her as much as possible with childcare, housework and her job anxiety. Even your concern will help relieve her stress and hopefully put her in a better mind and revive your sex life.

Intimacy is essential to maintaining a healthy marriage and I’m shocked at the number of couples I know who haven’t had sex in years. Often these unions end in divorce.

I highly recommend that you see a relationship therapist who can help you and your wife talk about what’s going on Real what is going on in your relationship.