Why J.Lo needs to dump the world’s saddest man

Fresh off their highly publicized fight at the Grammys, J.Lo and Ben reacted by running straight to the tattoo parlor to get a couple tattoo as a public statement that “everything is cool.”

It’s straight out of the playbook of Brooklyn Beckham, who spends his time decorating his body with romantic tributes to his wife Nicola, including, without an ounce of irony, some touching words from his dead grandmother tattooed on his torso as a birthday present.

As alarming as it is to take a cue from Hollywood’s most subdued star, both literally and metaphorically, I’m afraid these ‘engagement tattoos’ are the beginning of the end for a romance that was surely doomed from the start.

J.Lo is not a woman who seems to be a natural fit with a recovering alcoholic who seems to be on his way to a public hanging most of the time. Although such an event might actually cheer Ben up a bit if it meant escaping a sober night sitting at the Grammys where J.Lo was caught on camera and seemed to berate him for looking bored.

But what exactly did you think you were getting yourself into by marrying ‘Sad Affleck,’ whose aura of constant despair has spawned a million memes, in one of the most flagrant mismatches of all time?

His and her: The post includes a photo of Ben’s tattoo, which featured a different design but similar arrows for love and the couple’s initials

Making it permanent: Jennifer Lopez, 53, and her husband Ben Affleck, 50, revealed they had gotten complementary tattoos to express their love and “commitment” on Valentine’s Day

Bennifer’s reunion was a chance to indulge in some 2000s nostalgia, but it probably shouldn’t have gone any further.

You’re the woman who pole-danced into the best shape of her life on the eve of her 50th birthday for Hustlers, doesn’t drink or smoke, and was one of the first celebrities to be a singer, dancer, actress, and complete entrepreneur, like a real talented Kardashian.

Of course, Ben is now a different man, who is to be applauded for turning his life around after three highly publicized seasons in rehab.

But at heart, the actor-director is a poker-playing, bar-crawling, chain-smoking guy whose main pleasure in life is Dunkin’ Donuts, and whose alleged games with a stripper cost him his first engagement. with Lopez in 2003.

He then married Jennifer Garner, an undeniably gorgeous woman who’s determined to be aggressively non-glamorous with her navy sweaters, mom jeans, and frequent trips to church.

When he fell out of the car in August 2018, after getting divorced, the formidable Jennifer showed up with a bible in hand to take him to rehab.

Juggling a drink from his beloved Dunkin Donuts with various packages, Ben’s ubiquity as a meme has become one of his big claims to fame.

Ben Affleck’s aura of being overwhelmed by life has made him the poster boy for despair.

While we all hope those days are long gone, is your second wife ready to slip on her golden heels and rumble up the driveway to her drinking den, ready to quote from the Book of Revelation?

I suspect there’s a good chance she doesn’t have time for this kind of nonsense while she’s busy being fabulous. Maybe she would send her assistant to take care of it.

You only have to look at her last partner before Ben, A-Rod, to see that what J.Lo really wants and needs is a man who aspires to be a ‘brand’ for them.

A gushing profile of the couple by Vanity Fair described J.Lo and the baseball star-turned-entrepreneur-judge on Shark Tank, America’s answer to Dragon’s Den, as a “fusion of business empires,” rather than a mere couple. .

I’m not saying a man with that many pairs of white pants in his wardrobe is good enough for J.Lo, but he definitely wouldn’t need to be told to ‘look motivated’ at the Grammys.

While suspended from baseball for a year for doping, A-Rod took college investment and marketing classes, is friends with Warren Buffet and apparently likes to attend JP Morgan’s Brexit conferences in his spare time.

While it seems Ben Affleck would rather be nowhere than a club, A-Rod’s philosophy is: “When someone offers me a job, I thank the Lord I have a job and ask for more work.”

Unfortunately, it was begging for more, rather than the Lord, that was on A Rod’s mind when he slipped into American reality star Madison LeCroy’s DMs in May 2021, only to be dumped by an irate J. .It.

Her own personal heartbreak aside, their split has surely negated the world of a dubious range of J.Rod fragrances for him and her, to say the least.

Jennifer Garner, Ben’s ex-wife, was the one who took him to rehab for the third time in 2018.

A-Rod was dumped by J.Lo after he allegedly started messaging a reality star, but he certainly wouldn’t need to be told to look excited at the Grammys.

If I were to launch a perfume with Ben, it would have to carry the Des-pair brand. It’s conveyed that they’re a couple and one is plagued by constant grief, but it’s not quite the same undertone as J.Lo Glow.

Instead, she had to make do with a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial that mocks her husband’s great love of fried sugar, which is wonderfully supportive, but do we think this woman has seen a donut in the last 30 years? only eaten one?

She also seems to have forgotten the moment when she said it took her two years to get over the backlash about her and Ben’s film flop, Gigli.

The point is, J.Lo, you’ve gone too far this time. By all means, gather in Positano for a summer of nostalgic 2000s love, but don’t ruin it all by marrying the man for God’s sake.

Bennifer’s big draw was the chance to reminisce about the days of Nokia 3210s, Ja Rule, Toxic was Britney and low-rise jeans with studded belts, but now that it’s worn down, what do we have left?

We’ve been consumed by the trip down memory lane, but I can’t help but wonder if J.Lo feels the same hollow taste.

Sure, it’s a lot of fun to speculate on what goes through Jennifer Garner’s mind when the other Jen shows up to a ‘blended family’ music recital in 7-inch stilettos and a Chanel jacket, but she can only keep us going. for a long time.

Unless they rush the release of Eau de Des-pair very soon, I’m afraid the only way for Bennifer to regain her spark will be through the inevitable drama of divorce.