Why Can’t I Stop Stealing From The Cars I Clean? VICKY REYNAL Has The Answer…

Dear Vicky,

I am 22 years old and have been working at my local car wash for three years. Since my father passed away in the line of duty when I was 16 (he was a police officer) money has been tight so instead of going to college I have taken two jobs and this is one of them. Last year I was promoted from car wash attendant to detailer and was offered a very small raise which I did not negotiate (and now there are employees who make slightly more than me as a detailer).

I mention this because I was given new responsibilities, including cleaning the interior of cars. Often while cleaning I find change under the carpets or between the seats, which I have started to keep. No one would notice it anyway. In the past few months it has gotten worse: I steal change from the center console department and one of the customers noticed it and filed a complaint. I denied any involvement, but it made me realize the risk I am taking – the point is that I have continued to do it. Why can’t I stop?

EM,via email

It’s so hard when we feel stuck, acting in a way that doesn’t represent us, that we know is self-destructive, and yet we can’t stop. In my experience, it’s going to be hard to change your behavior unless you understand why you’re doing it.

From what you revealed in your email, I get the sense that there are a number of emotional factors that are fueling this behavior. There is usually not just one answer to a problem, but rather a confluence of multiple reasons and issues involved.

It strikes me that anger is an emotion that may be close to the surface of you. You may be angry at your employer for not paying you what you think is a fair salary. Or angry at yourself for not negotiating a higher salary at the time. These feelings can drive your desire to “take something back” – and even if you’re not stealing directly from your employer, but from your customers, the subconscious isn’t so linear and “stealing in the workplace” may still be the way you’re dealing with your workplace anger.

However, the loss of your father is also recent. Even if his death was not the reason for the theft, the feelings that played a role in this may still be ‘linked’ to other feelings that were present under the surface and that are related to the loss of your father. Think for example of anger, frustration and the feeling of being robbed.

Anger is a natural response to grief. When someone dies, we may feel abandoned by them, even if we know rationally that it was not their choice; we may blame them or their choices, in this case their career choice.

At other times, when someone dies due to health reasons, we may blame their “lifestyle choices.” But you may also feel a great sense of frustration at the unfairness and injustice of it all; that it was he, rather than the perpetrator, who lost his life. Now, you may feel that you are left with the pain and financial worries that may have robbed you of the adolescence you wanted.

All of this can be part of what compels you to steal, in other words, it is an expression of a grievance that is both about work, but also perhaps about the loss of your father. It can feel like you are entitled to something.

What can you do about these feelings? Well, when it comes to your grief, it’s a process that takes time. Don’t ignore your feelings, but find ways to express them so that they lose their power – like writing them down, talking to someone you trust, or even grief counseling.

As for work, I think it would be more helpful to have a conversation about your salary, rather than pursuing honesty in such a dangerous way that you jeopardize your job and end up in an even worse situation, with even greater financial worries.

If you agree on a fairer salary, you won’t have to carry around resentment while you do your job. It will also be less tempting to steal.