In the ninth episode of this season of What we do in the shadowsour dim-witted but lovable Staten Island vampires must flee from vengeful vampire gangs after accidentally killing vampire leader Jerry. It is a tribute to Walter Hill’s 1979 cult hit The Warriorswhich follows a New York City gang wrongly accused of murder as they try to get home to Coney Island, while gangs chase them through the city.
The episode also introduced an entire world of vampire gangs with more prime real estate than Staten Island. Nandor, Nadja, Laszlo and Colin are a fun, clumsy group, but if I’m going to be a vampire, I want to spend my immortal life somewhere. other then Staten Island. Now that I’m armed with an entire Rolodex of vampire gangs, I’m preparing for my afterlife and figuring out which of them I’d most like to join. You know, just in case.
This is probably the most horrifying concept the show has come up with in all six seasons. As someone who is regularly pulled over for “random searches” and as someone who detests JFK Airport (LaGuardia for life), it would go against every fiber of my being to join them.
12. Manhattan All-Girls private school vampires
When I was in high school, I honestly thought people didn’t party because no one ever invited me to a party where parents didn’t order pizza and Super Smash Bros games. That said, even if I was too As a vampire, these girls would literally and figuratively eat me alive.
11. Hamptons Vampires (Hampires)
Similar to the above, but I like to think the Hampires will at least pretend to be polite to my face. Still, the idea of them gossiping about me when my back is turned is terrifying, and it would cause me a lot of psychological damage.
10. Bronx Bombers
I like these guys because they’re a nice nod to the baseball gang in the original Warriors. However, I’m not good at baseball if it’s not on the Wii, so while I appreciate how tight the pants on baseball uniforms are, I don’t think I’d have a good time with it.
9. Vampires from the Meatpacking District
They’re hip and pretty…I wish they would like me, but I’m not sure I’ll ever feel like I fit in because they’re so stylish and fashionable and I have Lightning McQueen Crocs all over the house carry. Still, they seem nicer than the other elite vampire gangs, so I wouldn’t discount them.
They hang out in cemeteries! I like cemeteries. But I also don’t know if I’d go along with their whole rotting, undead thing. While I appreciate the dark aesthetic, there is a bit at there is a lot of decay going on with their search for my personal preferences.
7. Coney Island Carny Vampires
I’m really bad at carnival games, but I think I would enjoy being the person running the carnival games. I do like amusement park rides, and I would like them a lot more if I were a vampire who was already dead and therefore couldn’t die during the cyclone.
I love the beach! But after growing up in Florida, I don’t know if I would ever actively choose a beach in New York City. Still, I feel like these vampires will get along, even if they can’t really enjoy the beach in daylight. What are they doing, surfing in the dark?
5. Vampire punks from the Lower East Side
Okay, now we’re getting into an aesthetic look that I can get behind. For these vampires I would go from gothic to punk. We’ll rock and look great while we do it.
Similar to the above, but the art vampires all seem to be hot ladies – which is why they gently contrast the normal punks. For reasons.
3. Artist Vampires, Writers, Graphic Designers, and Personal Essayists (Currently Working as Baristas)
This is only my first apartment complex in Bushwick.
It seems that these vampires get their name because they spend most of their time as bats. And honestly, if I were a vampire, I’d spend most of my time flying as a bat. They know what’s going on!
A gang of vampires who dress in extravagant costumes and fight with choreographed dance routines? This is basically the vampire trope for theater guys, and I want to be a part of it So bad. Musical theater and romantic gothic atmosphere are a match made in Heaven (hell?). Let me in! I’ll play any role you want! I learn all the dance routines! We can see it Bad together for the thousandth time and eat everyone who gets mad at us when we sing along. Please, please, please, Please let me hang out with all of you.
New episodes of What we do in the shadows airs Mondays on FX at 10pm EST and streams on Hulu the next day.