What Biden REALLY wrote in his desperate letter begging Dems not to fire him (…at least, according to KENNEDY!)

Beleaguered President Biden’s latest attempt at power included a letter to congressional Democrats on Monday, beating his party’s lawmakers into submission.

“I am determined to stay in this race,” he scribbled. But before you read Sleepy Joe’s authentic language, here is my… I mean the original provisional version:

Deer Democrats,

I’m Jill Biden’s husband and she and Hunter asked me to write you guys as lying, dog-headed, pony soldiers — as my friend John Wayne Gacy liked to say in that movie.

Did you watch the debate? I’m not sure.

But you can’t replace me, because Barack says I’m not ready yet.

And by God, man, I’m the best senator ever – the Lord Almighty said so! I wouldn’t run for re-election if I wasn’t the best qualified for the job.

My service record is subject to deletion:

Every morning I put on my special shoes, ready to kick Alley Cat Liar Trump in his fat orange face.

Then I take a nap or play with my dog. The Secret Service agents love it when he chases them around the South Lawn.

To anyone who says I’m too old, I say: Look at me (between 10am and 4pm).

But listen up folks, come on, this isn’t bullshit – the other guy is a dangerous, lying dictator who isn’t very good at golf.

I’m a six handicap. Or an eight… but I’d rather not get into that.

Did I tell you about the time I got arrested when I went to meet Willie Nelson… I mean Nelson Mandela?

Do you really want to judge me on 90 bad minutes on one bad night and not on my 300 bad years in Congress? Let’s do the math!

I have over 400 trillion, sorry million votes, several of which are from non-dead people. Every poll I have read is not on my side. I have almost infinite delegates. That’s one for each of Hunter’s baby mamas.

But honestly, people, get in line because you’re giving Kamala ideas. She even tried to push me off the White House steps.

Let’s get the facts straight: I assembled NATO like a chocolate computer chip, I saved Israel, and I defeated Corn Pop, who was worse than Vlad Putin.

The stakes are too high. The world is falling apart. And I can’t remember if I left the stove on. But I know a plastic surgeon who can make it all better.

And I spoke to the new British Prime Minister Maggie Thatcher who says I’m like Ronald Reagan. Isn’t she a gun? She smells good too.

My top advisor, Hunter, says we need four more years before we can finally defeat Medicare, kill Social Security, and take out the Chinese.

So believe me, I can beat Mitt Romney. And if I can’t, well, at least I answered all the questions and did my best.

Darling,

The first black woman to serve with a black president

Chairman Kamala?

If America’s Vegetable-in-Chief is cooked, will Cackling Kamala top the Democratic ticket for 2024?

A major Biden fundraiser said he would choose a “dead” Joe over his useless VP. But woke Dem fatwigs don’t care.

They want to appoint the chef of the party above the other fools at all costs.

“How in the world can you prioritize all these white people over Kamala?” Donna Brazile, former chair of the Democratic National Committee, said last week.

Oh, the irony would be delicious if these “champions of democracy” were to undermine democracy by overthrowing a loser president for their own handpicked hopeless candidate.

Melania sees red

Make-America-again-yawn.

Melania Trump, always looking impeccable, was photographed in New York on Monday night in a bright red Valentino dress and patent Louboutins.

So, Anna Wintour, where is her Vogue up close?

The longtime fashion magazine ignored the former First Lady during her tenure in the White House.

Meanwhile, our current and much less fashionable Mistress of the Oval Office, Jill MacBiden, was on the cover three time!

Harry deserves price

Prince Harry is reportedly “stunned” by the backlash to the news that he has received this year’s Pat Tillman Award for Service, named after the late NFL star who left the sporting world after 9/11 to serve in Afghanistan and is now a national hero.

Don’t get me wrong, the Ginger Whinger is easily Britain’s most irritating export. But his own military service and efforts to organise the annual Invictus Games for wounded ex-soldiers are admirable feathers in his otherwise despicable cap, and more than qualify him for the Tillman Award.

If you say otherwise, you look very stupid.

Big ass, big problems

Instagram model and part-time moralist Mikaela Lafuente is KING that her delicious thirst traps accidentally captured honey badger Kanye West.

The deranged (and married) rapper reportedly wrote the following in her direct messages: ‘[I] I wanted to know if you’d like to stick around and listen to the new album.’

This butt influencer was not flattered.

“I don’t think it’s acceptable to message other women when you’re married,” she told reporters, boosting her own social profile.

Call me cynical, but wasn’t this ass-kicker primarily looking for all that attention from Ye?

Red White, And WHO?

Every year on the Fourth of July, diminutive billionaire Michael Rubin bribes celebrity “friends” to party with him at his extravagant “White Party” in the Hamptons.

This little friend always makes sure to get a cute photo with Kim K, Khloe K and Machine Gun K.

If I ask them if they will return the favor and invite Mini Michael to their Christmas parties, I think they will answer, “Michael who?”

Grandma has gone wild

I’ve long suspected that retirement communities are filled with lonely widows and ageless swingers who bill themselves as a reverse mortgage brochure. Now I have the evidence to prove it.

A new study found that sexually transmitted infections among the Center-Silver set shot up by a whopping 24 percent during the COVID pandemic. They’re trading stocks faster than Nancy Pelosi!

He needed John!

Hello, yellow, slippery road.

A French shopkeeper was shocked when Elton John walked into his upscale sneaker store and asked if there was a toilet he could use.

When the salesman said “non,” Elton reportedly let his little dancer loose for a public dance into a plastic bottle!

The most shocking thing: the Frenchman had never heard of the Rocket Man!

Well, he does now. A few ounces lighter, Elton used a towel to sweep up the loose specks on the floor, bought some shovels and left – but not before shaking the poor owner’s hand.