Getting engaged and starting a new life with someone is exciting, but a marriage therapist has warned there are crucial topics couples need to discuss before putting a ring on that finger.
Landis Bejar, a marriage therapist and founder of AisleTalk, explained that there are five crucial things that need to be discussed before even thinking about tying the knot — and it can make or break relationships.
She mentioned talking about children, money, the role of your extended family, culture and religion, as well as sex as the non-negotiable topics that should be thoroughly explored before getting married.
Although many of these topics come up after an engagement, says Bejar, who lives in New York Business insider that couples should not wait until then to talk about these important issues.
“You want to make sure you’re not just on the same page about life at the time you meet,” she noted.
Landis Bejar, a marriage therapist and founder of AisleTalk, explained that there are five crucial things that need to be discussed before even thinking about tying the knot — and it can make or break relationships.
Speaking of having children
Bejar recommends always discussing whether you want children before you start living a life together, but also what having children would look like for you and your partner.
She told Business Insider that it’s important to determine not only how many children you want, but also what your partner’s views are on parenting.
‘How were you raised? What were your experiences with parenthood? What was your relationship with your parents like growing up, and what is it like now? What would you say would be your ideal version of that if you do want to become a parent?’ she mentioned.
The professional marriage therapist added that it is also important to spend time with children as a couple, and suggested that he spend time with the children through a close friend or family member.
“It can invite a really fruitful conversation about how you deal with the stress of that: what your needs are, how you like to interact,” she noted.
Discuss your finances
Although talking about money as a couple can be uncomfortable, Bejar said it’s crucial to discuss it for the sake of your relationship.
“You want to get on the same page because there’s a lot of variation on what partners’ expectations are or how they handle their money,” she said.
The therapist also said it’s worth talking about the role money played in your life growing up because it will influence the way you think about it in adulthood.
“That all affects the way you talk about money, the way you think about money, the way you spend money, the way you invest money and the way you save money,” Bejar emphasized.
“That’s all very rich in stories, emotions and behavior, and it can very easily be swept under the rug because it’s not relevant in your relationship,” she added.
Although talking about money as a couple can be uncomfortable, Bejar said it’s crucial to discuss it for the sake of your relationship (stock image)
Plan the roles your extended family plays
While it’s important to talk about what your nuclear family will look like, it’s also important to discuss the role your extended family will play.
“How do you integrate those two identities as you move from being the child of your family to starting your own family?” Bejar said.
The family therapist suggested discussing logistics about how often you plan to see your in-laws and also what role they will play as grandparents, as well as how you as a couple will deal with aging parents and relatives.
“You want to have an idea of where you guys are on that front and whether that’s going to be something that presents challenges down the road,” Bejar emphasized.
She continued, “We’re not reaching a compromise at this time, but it may be something we need to compromise on in the future.”
Dive into culture and religion
If you grew up in a certain religion and your partner doesn’t come from the same background, there may be a middle ground you can agree on.
Bejar explained that when two people come together, it is important to know what values you want to bring together in your new life, especially if you plan to raise children together.
“If you want to start a family, discuss what values you want to bring from your own upbringing,” she explained.
‘Does that conflict with your partner’s experience? What does that look like when you talk about it with children?’
Describe what your sex life will be like
Intimacy is a big part of a relationship, and Bejar said not to underestimate the power of talking about it.
‘You want to talk to your partner about how you feel good sexually. You want to talk about what doesn’t feel right,” she noted.
“You want to have open lines of communication about sex,” she continued.
“And you want to have open lines of communication about what to do if something changes. How can we talk about that?’