VICKY REYNAL: My sister gave my kids a second-hand toy from a charity shop this Christmas and I’m FURIOUS – it’s cheap and unhygienic. Shouldn’t she have saved up to get them the right gifts?

My sister bought gifts for my children at a thrift store for Christmas. I’m furious, but is it wrong to be angry?

I always go out of my way to buy fun Lego sets for her kids or a new doll from the latest Disney movie. Instead, she bought my kids second-hand toys, which, quite frankly, are both unsanitary and cheap.

Christmas only comes once a year. Shouldn’t she have saved up more to buy real presents for them?

Anton, via email

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: It seems to me as if your feelings about your sister’s gifts touch on deeper emotions that have to do with honesty, with giving and receiving in relationships, and perhaps even with unconscious fears on your part.

Your sister has behaved differently from you and differently from what you expected of her – and you consider the resulting imbalance to be unfair.

It can also be disappointing and hurtful to you if you view her behavior as a lack of effort or care. However, this may not have been the reason or intention behind giving second-hand gifts to your children. Let’s look at why she made this choice and explore why you feel such a strong emotional stimulus.

The obvious driver for her decision could be financial problems or fear due to uncertainty.

She may have divided her smaller budget so that she could have spent more on your gift, thinking that it makes little or no difference to children whether a toy is new or used. And if they are very young, they may play more with the packaging than with the actual gift.

Your sister may have put a lot of thought into finding the best used toys she could find, or the toys your children would love most. It may even be that the choice of second-hand toys is motivated by the desire to be sustainable. Be open to the possibility that there is a reasonable explanation behind her choice.

After considering the possible reasons and allowing others to make choices different from ours, you can focus on why this is bothering you so much.

Could this be related to an old pattern with your sister, where you feel like she always chooses the “easy option” and you are angry or even jealous that she gets away with doing or giving less?

After considering the possible reasons, and allowing others to make choices different from ours, you can focus your thoughts on why this is bothering you so much, says Vicky, pictured.

You may have thought, “This is so TYPICAL of her!” In other words, the “cheap” gift is a symbol of how she gets away with doing the bare minimum in other areas of life and your anger about this has increased.

Could this stir up in you an unconscious fear of exploitation? On some level, do you resent that in relationships you are always the one who gives more than you receive? You may have a tendency to overreact in situations where you interpret the possibility that you feel cheated or abused in some way.

Or simply, your sister may consistently spend much less on presents than you have, and this is getting on your nerves and needs to be addressed.

While we have to accept that people are different in what they spend money on and what parameters they use around what is too much or too little, you can approach her in a calm and gentle tone and express your curiosity about why she made a second purchase . hand toys for Christmas this year.

Maybe say, “I’m wondering why you chose second-hand gifts this year,” and see if her response reassures you that it’s not a lack of care or effort. She may have a different view on how much money should be spent on children and may not have the same hygiene concerns as you.

We don’t all have to think the same way, but you still have a choice about how you deal with the imbalance next year. You can ask her if she wouldn’t mind spending the same amount but on a smaller new gift, or you can reduce your budget to address the imbalance.

There is a subtle dynamic that is reflected in our choice of gifts – you may still be thinking ‘she did it on purpose’ or ‘she wanted to disappoint me’, and if that’s the case you can think about the wider dynamics of the relationship. . Was this an expression of anger, or of her unconscious envy of you?

This dynamic can play out without us being fully aware of it and sometimes without the intention to hurt the other person. Maybe Christmas isn’t the best time to expose the painful, longstanding dynamics between siblings. Because there is usually also love. And Christmas is about connection and love.

While it’s okay to be disappointed, focusing on the bigger picture (the joy and effort behind Christmas) can bring peace to family situations like this.

Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk