True Romance: How to Keep Love Alive When One of You Has a Chronic Illness

I I’ve been with my husband since I was 15. We grew up together through school, university, first jobs and into adulthood; but the one thing he didn’t sign up for was being saddled with a perpetually sick person. Four years into our relationship, on Valentine’s Day, I was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, a form of inflammatory bowel disease.

My days can sometimes revolve around my condition, but so does his. From hospital appointments to days when I’m too sick to leave my bed and constantly dealing with the changing lists of diagnoses and medications, it’s not an ideal way to spend your life, even if it’s second-hand. It also means that Alfie has seen me in the most physically disgusting states I could imagine – including spending hours on the toilet, drinking MRI fluid in the hospital and ugly crying about the unfairness of it all.

I’ve heard anecdotal horror stories about women with partners who resent their condition and end up leaving them because they don’t feel well, or who blame their illness for the demise of their relationship. Fortunately, I have never felt less than my husband. Honestly, I think it’s impossible to find someone more caring, kind and selfless.

Being chronically ill has certainly skewed “traditional” gender roles in our household – for example, my husband does the lion’s share of housework. We’ve been on vacation where we couldn’t leave the hotel room because my condition flared up. I’ve definitely thrown more than a few tantrums his way when I felt sorry for myself. I have sometimes felt guilty because I believed he deserves more; that he deserves a life where he doesn’t have to constantly adapt to what I can or can’t do. I’m afraid he doesn’t have to take care of me, and that if he were in a relationship with almost anyone else, it would be easier in many ways. But over time, I’ve learned to remember that I am worth more than an abstract set of requirements that equate to “the right kind of partner.”

I’ve discovered that it’s important not to wallow for too long; When you’re sick, it’s all too easy to fall into self-pity. We tend to take equal responsibility for pulling me out of the depths of despair and preventing my circumstances from becoming a problem for us. We make sure that illness doesn’t dictate our relationship, whether that means getting dressed and going out to eat, or just making the effort to watch a TV show together when that’s all I feel like doing . We try not to blame each other when Crohn’s disease is frustrating, just as we would with life’s other inevitable annoyances.

Every sick woman needs at least one person whose behavior never ends in condescending pity or refusal to accept reality; who doesn’t openly wish they could help you get better and instead simply accepts that your pain is part of who you are. Experiencing my entire sick life alongside Alfie has taught me that people are capable of caring for each other completely and selflessly. One of my biggest fears after my diagnosis was that I would be alone; the idea that getting sick would make me “too much” for some people. But eleven years later, our relationship is proof that chronic illness doesn’t make you a burden to those you love. It’s just another dimension of the bond you share.