DEAR JANE: I tricked my husband by doing something desperate in bed… Will he forgive me if I come clean?

Dear Jane,

I’m not proud of what I did, but it’s too late now and I really need your advice.

I met my husband when we were both 29 and got married two years later. Today we are 34.

What I liked most about him from the beginning was his focus on family.

On our third date we discussed whether we wanted children, how many we wanted, and even what we would name them.

But as time went on, life got in the way. I lost my job. We moved to be closer to our families and took care of his elderly parents.

It seemed that having children was being put on the back burner.

For the past 18 months I’ve been saying I’d like to try it soon, but my husband has waved away every conversation.

He says he’s not ready yet, that we should wait until we’re more settled and financially stable.

I understand what he is saying, but for him it is different. As a woman I feel my biological clock ticking.

I didn’t want to go the egg freezing route. It’s expensive and I was afraid it wouldn’t work.

So, eight months ago I stopped taking birth control and I didn’t tell my husband. I know it sounds bad, but I was getting desperate. Of course, we kept having sex like normal and now… I’m two months pregnant.

I’m terrified to tell him. I’m sure he’ll be happy about the baby, but I don’t know if I should admit what I’ve done. It really ruins the joy I feel about motherhood.

I lied to him – or at least kept the truth from him – and I feel terrible. But I also don’t know if telling him is worth the anger. He’s always wanted kids and this might be the push he needed.

So, what should I do, Jane? Should I lie and tell him it was just a happy accident? Or should I be honest and face the consequences?

By,

Hopeful mother

Dear hopeful mother,

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy.

It seems like you’ve been waiting a long time, and I know how much pressure that biological clock can put on you.

I’m sorry that keeping the truth from your husband is taking a toll on your happiness. That’s the problem with lying, unfortunately: there’s always a consequence, and yours is proving to be a pretty heavy one to bear.

I don’t think there is a clear cut answer.

I believe that secrets are a disease and that we should try to live honestly.

But I also believe that we should go through life with the goal of causing as little harm as possible to all parties involved.

So I’m wondering if maybe you should wait a moment.

As much as you want to unburden yourself so you can get through this pregnancy without lies, I don’t see the point in revealing this now.

Tell him it was a happy accident and let nature take its course. With any luck, you’ll have a beautiful baby in a few months and then you can decide if you want to confess.

I suspect that if you choose to tell him the whole truth, it will be better received if you have both already fallen in love with your child.

Parenting is magical—and once you have kids, all the fuss about how they came to be will probably seem irrelevant.