TRACEY COX reveals 20 ultimate sex tips for the modern woman (and it means questioning everything you think you know)

Earlier this month, one of the most influential pioneers in the field of sex education – Dr. Ruth – passed away at the ripe old age of 96.

We owe so much to Ruth Westheimer.

She used words like “penis” and “vagina” when no one else dared, stood up for gay and lesbian rights, and refused to condemn porn. Her open-minded approach to sex was unprecedented – and everyone loved her for it.

Nothing was off-limits to Dr. Ruth. Her practical tips like “Sex Before Dinner” and “You Don’t Have to Share Your Fantasies” have stood the test of time.

In honor of the lifelong legacy of this warm, wonderful woman, here are my top 20 sex tips, again gleaned from decades of writing and researching sex.

1. Question everything you think you know about sex

If a man is not hard, he is not aroused. If a woman is not “wet,” she is not aroused. Both are false. There are so many things that affect how your genitals behave that have nothing to do with arousal. How hydrated we are, how much sleep we have had, what happened in the last sex session, what medications we are taking, how much we have had to drink, what drugs (prescription and recreational) we have taken. The list goes on.

2. Porn is entertainment, not sex education

There are no lessons to be learned about how to be a good lover. Most porn is based on a male fantasy of how they want to have sex. It is in no way representative of the sex the average couple has. It is pretty much the opposite of what most women want.

3. There is time for sex

Time magically appears when you both put your phones away.

4. Always use lubricant

No matter how old you are, what you do or who you do it with, extra lubricant always makes sex feel better.

5. How you both respond to an erection problem is crucial to what happens next

Thinking there is a problem when there isn’t is the root cause of many ED problems. The penis is not robotic, it is just as human as its owner. Sometimes, no matter how tempting the offer, he is not interested in playing. That is normal. Laugh it off, don’t make a big deal about it, and don’t take it personally, or you risk starting the anxiety cycle. He can’t get an erection because he is too anxious, and because he can’t get an erection, he is even more anxious the next time.

Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) reveals her top 20 sex tips, from unlearning the assumptions we have about sex to faking an orgasm every now and then.

6. If you can talk comfortably about sex with each other, all sexual problems can be solved

If you can’t talk openly and honestly about your sex life, the smallest sexual problem can ruin everything.

7. Wanting variety is different from being bored

It doesn’t mean that your partner is unhappy with the sex you’re having if he/she wants to try something new. Our sex lives and our urges need variety. Don’t feel threatened, embrace it.

8. It’s normal to have sex when you don’t want to when you’re in a long-term relationship

Couples who have sex regularly estimate that 20 to 25 percent of sessions are done to please their partner, not themselves. Desire isn’t the only motivation for having sex. Doing it because you love your partner, want to make them happy, and want connection and intimacy are also very good reasons to get naked. It may not sound very woke to have sex when you don’t feel like it—and it should work both ways—but ask anyone in a happy, long-term relationship and they’ll tell you that it’s all part of the give and take of a healthy sex life.

9. Wait until the mood changes and you end up in a sexless relationship

Scheduling sex is the only way to ensure it happens in a long-term relationship.

10. An orgasm is not the benchmark for a good sex session

The most exciting sex you’ve ever had might not involve either of you coming. Orgasms last seconds or minutes: it’s the moment you get there that’s the best part.

11. Stop believing the myth about spontaneous sex

My inbox is full of emails from people complaining that sex isn’t spontaneous “like it was in the beginning.” Really? We never plan sex more than we do at the beginning of a relationship. We think about what we’re going to do together first, what clothes to wear (especially underwear). We imagine what we’re going to do together, tell each other how much we want to kiss, touch, enjoy each other’s bodies. Foreplay starts the moment we open our eyes, and everything is mentally rehearsed and planned so that everything is perfect. Learn from how you were in the beginning: planned sex doesn’t have to be forced sex. Anticipation is a great substitute for spontaneity.

Love and lust don’t go together like bacon and eggs. What we want from love – security, routine, feeling safe, wanted, protected – is the opposite of what drives desire.

12. Chemistry is great, but engineering is more important

The initial rush of lust carries you a long way. But once that wears off, technique is key. Luckily, sexual skills can be learned. Teach yourself, ask your partner what they want, and follow instructions.

13. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you fake an orgasm every now and then

If you’re okay the rest of the time and you come easily and consistently with your partner, then there’s no problem in faking it every now and then. Sometimes they’re doing everything right and it’s just not going to happen because you missed the moment or are too tired, drunk or stressed. Of course, it’s better to be in a relationship where you can say, “You were great, but I just can’t do it tonight.” But if your partner is sensitive and you know it’s a concern, then a few moans and groans won’t hurt anyone.

14. The way you initiate sex has a big impact on whether your partner will say yes

If your partner wants to be thrown on the bed and raped passionately, then sprinkling rose petals on the bed is not going to turn them on. Being seduced in a way that doesn’t do it for you means you’ll be saying no to sex that you might otherwise have been up for.

15. Love and lust don’t go together like bacon and eggs

What we want from love – security, routine, feeling safe, wanted, protected – is the opposite of what drives desire. Risk, separation, uncertainty, novelty, fear, jealousy. You are forced to choose what is more important to you. Because we have sex a small fraction of the time, love wins. This doesn’t mean that lust has to die, but it does explain why it’s hard to keep it going. The closest couples are often the ones who lose their desire, simply because there is too much love for lust to survive.

16. Masturbation is good for you – but don’t overdo it

If it reduces the excitement of your desire for sex with your partner, you are doing it too often.

17. Sex does not mean intercourse

Any sexual, erotic connection counts as sex. Intercourse may be his main activity, but often not hers. Small, unpredictable sex treats – just kissing, just oral sex – are infinitely more exciting than formulaic sex…

18. Sex has no beginning, middle or end

Get away from the foreplay, then intercourse, then orgasm equation and your sex life will improve dramatically. Not all sex sessions have to end in orgasm and not all sex sessions have to include intercourse.

19. Do you find normal

It doesn’t matter what anyone else does or how often they do it. If you’re both happy, that’s all that matters.

20. If you want something from your partner, be specific and give examples

Instead of saying, “I want more romance,” say, “I would love it if you set the mood for sex by dimming the lights and putting on some music.”

Things mean different things to different people.

In an infamous experiment, half of the men asked to do something romantic for their wives washed their cars.