Is your relationship under strain?
You’re not imagining it: marriage IS harder than it was ten years ago.
The average couple faces a host of challenges that were different – or less pronounced – a decade ago.
Economic instability, changing social norms, digital distractions and increasing mental health issues are just some of the issues facing modern marriages.
Here are ten reasons, backed by research and statistics, why relationships are harder today.
Tracey said working from home together can have a negative impact on communication and mean we spend too much time together (stock Image)
We are concerned about the world
Who wouldn’t be?
The debate between Israel and Palestine rages with angry protests and heartbreaking images flooding our screens. A third world war seems increasingly likely, AI threatens to take over our lives and crime and homelessness are at a highly visible all-time high.
Terrible things have always happened. But we didn’t hear them all – let alone right away. Because we have access to the news 24/7, we stay informed, but still a little too well informed. If we avoid immediately checking to see what grim things have happened in the world today, a phone alert goes off to remind us.
As a result, mental health problems – especially anxiety and depression – are becoming more common. The incidence of mental illness has increased by 13 percent in the past decade and has a significant impact on our personal happiness and the state of our relationships.
Money worries are increasing
Arguments over how people spend their money have always been one of the top reasons people divorce: financial stress is a major predictor of marital dissatisfaction.
Add to that a cost-of-living crisis and the financial strain on the average marriage becomes even greater.
A 2023 report from the Federal Reserve shows that many households are struggling with stagnant wages and rising costs of living. There is less job security, stress levels are higher and free time is lower: hardly a recipe for a happy relationship.
British relationship and sex expert Tracey Cox, pictured, revealed that one of the reasons we struggle is because we feel anxious all the time
We work differently and from home
Technology makes everyone available 24/7. The boundaries between work and leisure have become blurred and many employers expect us to be available outside ‘working hours’.
Most of us don’t work nine to five anyway. When you work from your living room, you can afford to be more flexible with the hours you choose. But it also means there is no official ‘time for us to play’.
Many couples enjoyed working next to each other at the kitchen table during Covid. (Think about it! We can have sex whenever we want!) Until they realized there is such a thing as too much time together (who wants sex when it’s available 24/7?).
You need separation and time apart to keep your relationship fresh: if you do everything together, what do you need to talk about?
There is more to distract us
Technology has been luring us away from spending time and having sex with our partners for some time now.
Streaming became the norm in households in Britain and the US around 2018. But fierce competition between an ever-increasing variety of providers, the creation of compelling original content and high-speed internet have made on-demand viewing irresistible.
Smartphones were an important part of most people’s lives around 2014, but their use was limited. Today we use them for fitness, banking, buying, selling… and, crucially, entertainment. Is it any wonder that they are always in our hands, preventing us from working with our partners?
Sixty-eight percent of us say social media has negatively affected our relationships, says Tracey (Stock Image)
Social media poisons our lives
Social media had definitely hijacked our lives in 2011 and changed the way couples interact.
Today, 68 percent of people say social media has affected their relationship – and not in a good way. An American study shows that excessive use of social media is a major factor in marital dissatisfaction for 45 percent of people.
Why is it so toxic to relationships? The comparison factor is one reason. Everyone looks better, richer and happier than you. Their partners are more muscular, leaner, smarter and more connected than yours.
Our intelligent brain knows this is all fantasy – no one posts angry or depressed – but it still leaves us dissatisfied and more critical of our partners.
Infidelity and trust issues are at a high level
Social media not only feeds us a constant stream of idealized images of other people’s partners and relationships, it also provides great opportunities to reconnect with past loved ones – or find a new one (the person whose photo you just liked).
Twenty-four percent of Facebook users say the platform has caused relationship problems – fueled jealousy and suspicion – and made them feel dissatisfied with their lot.
Eighty-one percent of divorce attorneys say they have seen an increase in cases involving social media evidence over the past five years.
Our communication skills are getting worse and worse
As we spend less time talking and listening to each other, our communication skills suffer.
We’re busy with our gadgets, not with each other, and face-to-face interactions have plummeted.
When we speak, we are often talking but still scrolling. If you look down and not at your partner’s face, you lose the ability to read their body language. You miss a narrowing of the yes, a brief frown in their eyebrows, a hurt expression in their eyes that warns you of a possible problem.
Misunderstandings are more likely to occur if your attention is only half-focused on what your partner is trying to convey to you.
We have higher expectations from relationships
We’re getting married later in life: the average age for first marriage is now 30 for men and 28 for women. This means we are more established in our individual lifestyles, which can make it more challenging to merge.
The “Happy Ever After” myth – that we get married young and stay together until we die – has been replaced by the equally useless “Perfect Marriage” myth.
We want what we (think) we see on our socials: a relationship that is always fun and loving and never unsatisfying and hard work.
Few (if any) marriages are like this, but they are there, right? There is proof on Instagram! Disillusioned, many leave before the first year is over: the high point of the wedding has worn off and they did not expect the low point that inevitably follows.
There is also increasing emphasis on individual fulfillment and personal growth. We are more “I” than “us” in this age of individualism, where personal goals take precedence over marital harmony.
We have fewer support systems
It’s an established fact that your relationship is much more likely to succeed if your friends and family approve.
But what if they are not around to provide support and advice when we need it? More and more families are living geometrically dispersed, leaving couples feeling isolated in their struggles.
Your mother used to live two blocks away; a ventilation grille above a cup of tea solves more problems than you think. Just ask any couple with children: having grandparents or family willing to babysit helps immensely with parenting. Whatever has become more difficult…
The pressure from parents is greater than ever
Raising children in today’s competitive and demanding environment puts enormous strain on marriage. There are a plethora of books, podcasts, and social media accounts telling parents how to raise their children.
The number of classrooms is large, teachers are under pressure and jobs are scarce. Even eight-year-olds know it’s ‘hard out there’; Exam anxiety is more intense than ever before. All of this puts pressure on the parent, which in turn puts pressure on the parent’s relationship.
Social media, the gift that keeps on giving, doesn’t help here either. No one shows pictures of their child having a tantrum, with the parent pulling out their hair in frustration. It’s all birthday cakes and happy families, expensive picture-perfect parties and glamorous ‘goodie bags’ (reinventing the term competitive).
Years five to seven in a marriage are known as the “exhaustion years” because most couples raise children during this time. It’s a rare couple where both parents don’t work and there is little fuel in the tank for each other at the end of the day.
So there you have it: life is harder than it used to be. It’s comforting to realize it’s not “just you.” Recognizing that new challenges exist is the first step to creating a resilient relationship that can survive them.
Listen to Tracey’s Podcast: Details every Wednesday at traceycox.com. Her latest book, ‘Great Sex Starts at 50’ is available from all booksellers.