TRACEY COX reveals eight things that no-one tells you about affairs (including how exhausting they are!)

We’re all quick to cancel on someone who has cheated on their partner, but the truth about affairs is much more nuanced than the simplistic moral judgments we make.

Things are rarely simple or one-dimensional.

They are messy, emotional, and deeply human experiences that challenge our understanding of love, commitment, and forgiveness.

We all know hot sex and hotels. These are the things we don’t talk about.

They are tiring

‘You can never relax because you lie all the time. The longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to keep your stories honest.

‘You are pulled in different directions: constantly comparing and weighing up what to do’.

One man I spoke to said he eventually blurted out to his wife that he’d had an affair simply because he was so exhausted from it that he just wanted it to end.

Feeling like you can never let your guard down because you always have to be on your toes.

Looking at the faces of your spouse and children who love you and knowing that you are about to betray them.

It’s not all fun and games and sneaking out to get your feet wet: the emotional toll of an affair is enormous.

They are as much about loneliness as they are about lust

‘My husband wouldn’t notice if I walked into the room naked and painted it blue. I felt invisible and like an employee, not a wife.”

It’s a common misconception that people only cheat for physical satisfaction. Many affairs start because of emotional disconnection within the primary relationship.

If you feel unseen, unappreciated, or emotionally neglected, you are ripe for an affair. Ready to seek comfort from someone who provides the validation you crave.

This is not an excuse for infidelity, but it should be a clear wake-up call for anyone in a relationship. Emotional intimacy is extremely important and if your partner is lonely, an affair may be looming.

They rarely have a clear villain

“My best friend is having an affair and some of his friends shot him as soon as it got out. I knew the real story: he hadn’t had sex with his wife (her choice) in four years and was suffering from blistering, devastating humiliation on a daily basis. Who can blame him for looking for kindness, sex and love elsewhere?’

Affairs are often painted in black and white: the cheater is the bad guy and the betrayed partner is the victim. But relationships are complex and infidelity is rarely that simple.

Both partners usually contribute to the dynamic that led to the affair, even if one has responded to that dynamic inappropriately.

Understanding this won’t take the blame away, but it will help paint a fuller, more realistic picture of where it all went wrong.

It’s not just your partner who likes you less after an affair

“If I could have fast-forwarded to see my family’s faces when they found out I had been with another man for the past year, I never would have done it. It’s brutal. I will never forgive myself and I’m sure they won’t either.’

Family members on both sides are sometimes just as devastated by affairs as the person’s partner. If it leads to divorce, will they be forced to choose sides and never see their beloved in-laws or grandchildren again?

Losing your children’s trust when you are meant to be their ‘rock’ is heartbreaking; friends will judge you too, along with anyone who happens to find out. Cheating has a polarizing effect, but sympathy mainly goes to the side of the betrayed.

You’ll also like yourself less – and that’s putting it mildly…

The guilt can be overwhelming

‘We were the ultimate happy family and I demolished the house. For what? A little sex that faded after a month. How could I do that to everyone?’

For the one who strays, the weight of guilt can be paralyzing. Contrary to popular belief, many people who cheat love their partner very much and never intended to hurt them.

The cognitive dissonance – knowing what you are doing is wrong, but doing it anyway – can lead to intense emotional distress even before the affair is discovered. This guilt often lingers long after the affair has ended, leading to mental health issues and problems with future relationships.

They’re hard to stop – and not for the reason you think

‘For me it was just about sex. My wife hasn’t been interested since we had the kids and as much as I love her, I do have needs. I had no idea that the person I was having an affair with saw it as something serious. When I tried to end it, she threatened to tell my wife. I have no idea how to get out without her blowing up my family.”

People often take things easy and go along with the “this is just a bit of fun” chat, even if they have fallen deeply in love and would leave their own partner to be the person in a heartbeat. Only when they threaten to quit do their real feelings come to light.

The fact is that you cannot control another human being or ultimately stop them from going ‘rogue’.

They change everyone involved – discovered or not

Whether it’s the unfaithful partner, the betrayed partner or the person they cheated on, affairs have a profound and lasting impact on everyone involved.

When the betrayed partner is discovered or confessed, they are often left with feelings of inadequacy, anger, and distrust that take years to heal.

For the unfaithful partner, this often causes deep shame and regret. Even the third party may struggle with feelings of guilt, loss, or social judgment.

Even if you get away with it, the “you and me against the world” pact is broken. It’s hard to look your partner in the eye and declare your eternal love, knowing that you have deceived him or her. Some people say they lose respect for their partner because they didn’t realize what they were up to.

Not something you think about when you’re in the hotel room for the first time, with your legs in the air, but that one error in judgment lives deep.

Visit traceycox.com for details of Tracey’s blog, podcast and books. Visit lovehoney.co.uk for her two Tracey Cox product ranges