Tracey Cox reveals 9 steps to stop your partner cheating

Some partners are going to cheat no matter how good the marriage is.

But for the rest of us, those who get into a relationship and want to be both happy and monogamous, being faithful is an attainable goal.

Then why do “nice” people cheat?

Because they do: A steady percentage of people who admit to having an affair also say they love their partner and are happy with their sex life.

Business isn’t just about not getting enough home.

The reasons why people have them are often much more complicated – or a stupid consequence of making stupid decisions that have not been thought through…

1. Establish rules for online behavior

“She’d rather I do this than cheat,” says a friend of mine who has a heavily used Only Fans account.

He may be right.

Technology has answered the question ‘What is cheating?’ faded. so many lines, that people differ enormously in what they find acceptable and what not.

Online behavior creates the illusion of distance from real life. You don’t touch, smell, kiss, or lick someone’s body in real life. How can it count as cheating if it’s only on a screen?

The answer to that is subjective and personal.

Take porn. Some women wouldn’t care if their partner was watching, others would end a relationship if they found solid evidence that their partner was indulging on a regular basis.

Following people on Instagram also divides. The hot but respectable actress following your partner may be considered OK by one person. Another might think it’s betrayal.

Having an honest discussion about what you will and won’t put up with each other online is the most important thing you can do to prevent one of you from crossing the line into something you didn’t really intend to do.

Of all the advice given here, research proves it’s the most important thing you can do to protect your relationship.

If you agree on some rules, you’re much less likely to do something stupid on a whim.

2. Find out and give in (if possible) to their ‘thing’

We all have a dark sexual underbelly that we don’t often show to others, not even our partners.

A fantasy that you masturbate to, that’s a little bit out there. A porn category that we look at and will never admit to. Wanting our partners to do something we don’t ask for.

Usually these unspoken wants and needs are satisfied through solo sex and fantasy. But sometimes they are not.

One of the reasons people get out of their primary relationship for sex is to satisfy a sex drive that their partner knows nothing about.

Sometimes it’s a fetish: BDSM is often mentioned. Other times, the sex the person craves is something their partner would be more than happy to indulge in. They are also bored by the vanilla sex on offer.

Being able to talk openly and honestly about sex, expressing desires that aren’t very “awake” or “feminine” or “masculine” is a guaranteed way to make your relationship affair-proof.

3. Always do fun things

To have a bulletproof relationship you need appreciation, not apathy.

Don’t think: ‘That’s what a man/woman should do’. Say, “Thank you very much for picking me up from the station. I really appreciate it.’

One study found that simple gestures — like making your partner a cup of tea, unsolicited — count for relationship satisfaction far more than splurging on expensive grand gestures.

Spoiling your partner on his or her birthday doesn’t make up for ignoring him or her for the rest of the year.

Everyday acts of kindness are more important.

4. Initiate sex – and do it the right way

Getting started with sex is standard advice on how to have a happy relationship. So why don’t you?

In a surprising number of couples, the initiation of sex is left to one person, while the other rarely instigates it.

If you never initiate sex with your partner, you’re basically saying “I only have sex with you to please you.” Not good for our sexual self-esteem – which can lead to seeking validation elsewhere.

The WAY you start having sex can also make or break your sex life, making it more likely they will look elsewhere for their love or lust.

If one wants to be thrown against a wall and raped passionately and courted the other in a more romantic way, seducing in a way that just doesn’t do it for you often means no sex at all.

5. Worry less about frequency, more about quality

It’s not a lack of regular sex that entices people to cheat, it’s a lack of satisfying sex.

In couples with a sex drive mismatch, the higher sex person is usually happy with what is offered – even if it is much less often than they would like – if the sex they are having is good and enjoyed by both partners.

It’s not about the amount of sex you have, it’s about the type of sex. Once-a-month sex that is generous, enthusiastic, and mutually satisfying trumps resentful, miserable three-times-a-week encounters hands down.

“I accept that her sex drive is lower than mine,” one man told me. ‘I’m highly sexed, she’s not. We don’t have it as much as I’d like, but when we do, it’s worth the wait. The rest of the time I like to masturbate alone.’

6. Accept that love is kind, not blind (or deaf)

“I’m just not attracted to my husband anymore,” one woman recently wrote to me. “He’s put on weight, he never dresses properly, he just sits around and does nothing. Why would I want to have sex with someone like that?’.

No one says you have to look the same as when you met – that’s impossible and unworkable. But the unspoken deal of monogamy certainly includes a pact that both of you will make sure you stay sane and that you try to look and be the best you can.

I’m not just talking about looks here.

It’s quite a shock – but not uncommon – to marry a happy, optimistic person and end up with a pessimistic, angry partner you don’t recognize.

Be nice to live with.

If life isn’t going the way you hoped and you’re struggling, do something about it. At the very least, talk to your partner so they understand why you’re being difficult.

7. Have real conversations

If you talk mostly about logistics – who picks up the kids, brings the car in for service – and rarely about feelings, you’re heading for trouble.

My partner didn’t see me. ‘I felt invisible’. “I didn’t feel like I was important to them.” “I felt unheard.” These are the reasons many people cite when justifying an affair.

Don’t just ask “How was your day,” listen to their answer. Stop multitasking, give full attention, make eye contact.

If something happens, ask how they feel.

Remember to talk about dreams as well as practicalities. Are they happy with where they are in life? Is there something on their bucket list that they would like to do?

We are closest to the people who know the most about us.

8. Watch their relationship with their phone

Yes, we all know this one. But it’s easy to miss when you’re so busy with other areas of your life.

Everyone takes the phone with them, even in the bathroom while showering. Turn the screen away when sending a text message. Jump when there is a new alert. Mood swings that appear to be directly related to phone activity.

Phone secrecy and unusual protection are probably the most reliable indicators that something fishy is going on.

Keep in mind, though, that secret affairs aren’t the only reason people might not want you checking their phones. It could be that they are watching porn and don’t want you to see them, following people they shouldn’t be on their socials, having a gambling problem or protecting their friend who is up to no good and doesn’t want you to know .

Either way, this calls for immediate action.

Ask them directly why their phone is so important. Make a list of the behaviors you find strange. Tell them you’re concerned they might get involved with someone else and ask if you can look through their phone to allay your fears.

If they’re innocent and it’s unusual for you to make such a request, they’ll hand it over.

I don’t believe anything good ever comes from secretly checking your partner’s phone, but if you ask and they refuse, this is an example where it’s understandable.

9. Meet new friends they are particularly fond of

Finding someone else sexy as hell isn’t great.

But much more dangerous is your partner’s ‘work wife/husband’ or new friend that they suddenly talk about or spend time with.

Emotional affairs pose a greater threat to a marriage than sex-based affairs. These relationships begin as innocent friendship and subtly turn into something more sinister over time. Crucial moments are when one or both of you start complaining to each other about your partner. It’s not such a big step to think: ‘This person understands me much better than my partner. And why haven’t I noticed how attractive they are?’.

Does your partner talk about someone at work a lot? Unusually interested in the new person at the tennis club or gym?

Ask them questions about the person, tell them they sound great and you’d like to meet them too.

It’s easy to pretend a woman or man doesn’t exist if you haven’t met them.

Meet their “friend” early in their relationship and you can give them the wake-up call they needed to stop developing.

You can find Tracey’s latest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, wherever good books are sold. Her two product ranges – Tracey Cox Edge and Supersex – are available on Lovehoney.