TRACEY COX lays out 5 brutally honest truths for husbands whose wives have gone off sex with them – and how to fix it

Not getting enough sex? Chances are your wife or girlfriend isn’t getting what she needs from you to get her in the mood.

I hear the same complaints over and over again from women who don’t want to sleep with their male partners.

From not taking charge in bed to ignoring ’emotional intimacy’, there could be many reasons why she doesn’t want to sleep with you.

Meanwhile, helping out more around the house can also improve your sex life for the better.

Here are the top five tips that can help you turn things around…

You don’t talk to her

‘Why should I have sex with you? What have you done for me lately?’

Emotional intimacy is essential for sexual intimacy. Simply put, if you don’t have meaningful conversations with your wife, she won’t want hot sex with you.

In the early days of a relationship, most men at least make an attempt to listen to their partner express her emotions. As time goes by, many don’t even pretend to bother.

This may be because some men aren’t good at the whole “let’s talk about emotions” thing. What is easy for women may be hard work for you. However, don’t let that fool you…

Takeaway: Making her feel heard is all about being curious. Ask her about her day. If something happened, how did it make her feel? Show genuine interest in her life and really listen when she talks. Make eye contact, nod, look at her.

YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR FAIR SHARE

“He watches me prepare dinner, clean up, make lunch for the kids, and then looks surprised when I say no to sex when we’re in bed.”

The link between the amount of housework men do and a couple’s sex life is clearly proven: the more the man does, the more often he has sex and the more satisfying it is for him.

It’s the idea of ​​fairness that makes the difference – and what difference it makes.

New Australian research has gone one step further and added ‘mental strain’ to the mix. Who is responsible for the overall planning and organization of the chores that need to be done to run a household? Because even if men do contribute to the physical part, the planning is usually still up to the woman.

Not surprisingly, women in relationships with equal mental and physical strain reported feeling happier and having a stronger desire for sex than women where women felt abused.

Takeaway: Keeping your home clean and organized is a job for couples, not a job for women. Tell your partner you want to divide things more fairly, make a schedule, stick it on the refrigerator – and keep your end of the bargain.

YOU IGNORE THE ‘SHE COMES FIRST’ RULE

‘Having sex with him is sexual intercourse. There are three minutes of foreplay – a quick squeeze of my breast and a pansy thrown around – and then he leaves. He’s cumming, I’m not even a little excited.”

It’s a term coined by American sex therapist Ian Kerner, who wrote the book, ‘She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasing a Woman’. In it, he suggests a simple but effective way to bridge the gender orgasm gap.

Since women rarely orgasm through intercourse (only 25 percent do), but men almost always climax (95 percent), it’s wise to make sure she orgasms before moving on to the “grand finale” of the sex, which is almost always intercourse. .

‘She comes first’ is an ethos warmly welcomed by women – and men who want their partners to experience as much pleasure as they do.

Takeaway: An orgasm shouldn’t be the goal of any sex session, but it’s undeniably nice when it does happen. Foreplay is when most women have an orgasm during partnered sex: through oral sex, with your fingers or a sex toy. Your new mantra: she comes before you. Do whatever it takes to make it happen.

YOU DON’T TAKE LEAD IN BED

“He’s just too…nice. He asks me if it’s okay to do things. It’s so unsexy it makes me want to scream.’

Pleasing people isn’t attractive when you get out of bed, and it’s certainly not in it.

The hero of the Fifty Shades of Gray series became every woman’s fantasy, not only because he was handsome and rich, but also because he took what he wanted without asking.

It’s true that most of the extreme things in the book are best left as fantasy. But “I would love it if my partner threw me on the bed and raped me” is something I hear all the time.

Not taking initiative, not being confident in bed – it’s unattractive. If you are always passive and insecure, we get the feeling that we have to ‘mother’ you; stop receiving pleasure and rush to reassure.

Being dominated taps into our basic, intense, primal desires. When you’re in charge, you counteract the “good girls, don’t do this” stuff that lurks in the basement of many women’s minds, no matter how liberated.

Takeaway: Tap into your inner ‘Christian Grey’. Grab her face with both hands and really kiss her. Take off her clothes, as if you were going to touch her for the very first time. Suggest a coupling game, give a playful spanking. Ask her what her fantasies are.

YOUR SEXUAL TECHNIQUE DOESN’T WORK FOR HER

“It dawned on me that the reason I was so excited for him was mainly because it wasn’t intentional. (It was an affair.) Over time, I quickly realized he was a selfish lover and had no idea how to please a woman.”

No one notices the technique at first: novelty creates enough excitement and passion to make the clumsiest lover seem competent.

At around the three-month mark, technical issues start to surface. Habituation and desensitization occur – your sexual system says, “Hey, I’ve done this dozens of times, do you expect me to still be aroused?” – and suddenly you notice they’re a little rough or jerky, and that’s never been the case with you.

Technique is often more important for women than for men, probably because we get our orgasms from your hands and mouth. Your orgasm usually depends on pushing your penis in and out of our vagina: not much skill is required on our part!

How she handles this revelation sets the tone for what sex will be like from now on. If she speaks up and says, “Hey, I’d love it if you did X and Y, can you do that and longer?”, you’ve laid the foundation for satisfying, happy sex. Good sexual communication has been established.

If she doesn’t say anything and pretends to enjoy it and climax, she will become less and less likely to want to have sex with you (why would she do that if your technique doesn’t do anything for her?).

Takeaway: Educate yourself. Go to traceycox.com and search for ‘oral sex guide’ and ‘hand job guide’ and you’ll find lots of tips on technique. Ask her if there is anything she would like more or less of. If she didn’t say anything in the beginning, it’s hard to turn around fifteen years later and say, “Actually, I’d like you to do everything differently.” So instead of asking her to criticize, try some new techniques. old one she supposedly likes.

You can find information about Tracey’s books, podcast, products and lots of practical sex advice at traceycox.com.