Knowing one’s love language is thought to be the key to successful romantic relationships. But new research has blown significant holes in that theory.
The idea that everyone speaks a “love language” emerged from a 1992 manual by Baptist pastor Gary Chapman, who advanced the idea that everyone has a primary method of expressing and receiving love.
He outlined five love languages – words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch – and claimed that relationship problems arise when partners speak different languages.
However, it has recently been proposed that there are more than just five love languages, according to psychologists at the University of Toronto. Additional measures include supporting a partner’s autonomy, integrating the partner into their social circle, and developing effective conflict management strategies.
The ‘love languages’ theory, which has yet to be scientifically confirmed by empirical evidence, is also believed to predict whether a relationship will last, with the belief that this will only be the case if the partners speak the same language.
But psychologists believe that, unlike strengthening a partnership, the rigid focus on five love languages avoids the crucial question to be asked in romantic relationships, which is: “How can I make you feel more loved now?” ?’
Many couples use the theory of the ‘five love languages’ to strengthen their relationships and improve communication with their partners. But new research suggests there are actually more than five and that being too rigid about just one or two can damage a relationship
Chapman’s Theory of Love Languages has been translated into 50 languages and has sold 20 million copies. But even with that level of popularity, researchers have said it doesn’t stand up to scientific scrutiny.
The Canadian psychologists wrote in their final report about the theory: ‘We offer an alternative metaphor that we believe more accurately reflects a large body of empirical research on relationships: love is not akin to a language you have to learn to speak, but is better understood as a balanced diet in which people have a full range of essential nutrients needed to cultivate lasting love.”
Audiences, especially young people, have something of an obsession with love languages, giving rise to hit songs from the likes of Ariana Grande and SZA, and videos on TikTok with the hashtag #LoveLanguage have been viewed a total of 5.3 billion times.
And couples rely on Chapman’s outline of five love languages to determine the health and longevity of their partnerships, subscribing to one of the five because it can be used as a way to improve relationships that resonate with people.
However, the study authors continued: ‘These findings move away from the idea that each person has a primary love language and illustrate that people value all five love languages, but perhaps in different contexts.
“For example, if they had to choose, most people might prefer spending quality time with their partner over receiving gifts because they can do that with their partner more often in everyday life, but if they had to spend every would independently assess love language, they may view receiving gifts as very meaningful because it represents an occasional but special way in which their partner communicates their love.”
Psychologists believe that, as opposed to strengthening a partnership, the rigid focus on a few specific “love languages” sidesteps the crucial question to ask in romantic relationships, which is, “how can I make you feel more committed now?” feels loved?’
Emily Impett, professor of psychology at the University of Toronto Mississauga and author of the latest study: said of the flawed premise: ‘People determine their primary love language by taking the Chapman quiz, which forces them to select the expressions of love they find most meaningful.
‘For example, it could be the choice between receiving gifts or holding hands. These are trade-offs we don’t have to make in real life. People even indicate that they find all the things described by the love languages incredibly important in a relationship.’
The love language theory has remained largely untested, and the evidence pointing to its validity is shaky. Australian psychologists tested the hypothesis among 67 heterosexual couples that sharing love languages would promote greater satisfaction with their relationship.
But the psychologists reported: ‘More than three-quarters of participants implicitly accurately determined their partner’s love language, but this did not correspond to higher satisfaction with the marital relationship.
“So tailoring a partner’s love language and/or knowledge of a partner’s love language did not significantly improve relationship satisfaction, but it is likely that willingness and ability to express relevant behaviors did.”
Chapman, who is not a researcher or a certified counselor but rather has an advanced degree in anthropology and adult education, is sticking to his textbook.
He told the WashingtonPost last week: “I think there have been a significant number of people over the last thirty years who have found that this concept has been the thing that has changed their marriage emotionally.”
However, the love language theory, as Chapman wrote it, has a manipulative dark side.
Learning to speak your partner’s love language and vice versa could turn into what psychologists call “score keeping,” or mentally tallying up the ways in which a partner has expressed love and expected a similar “score” from their partner.
For example, if a person consistently expresses love through acts of service, he or she may subconsciously expect their partner to reciprocate in kind.
Endorsing too rigidly to one specific type of love language can also be used for manipulation.
Expressing love in a partner’s specific language can be an insincere manipulation to give a partner a false sense of security and intimacy.
It can also allow one partner to use the other’s love language against him by withholding expressions of love in whatever manner is preferred to control the partner’s behavior.
Linda Carroll, a licensed marriage and family therapist and board-certified life coach in Oregon, said: ‘Learning to speak each other’s love language will not cure toxic behavior, nor will it solve a problem once it is exposed
‘People like the idea of a quick fix, but the human condition (which doubles in complexity within the context of a long-term relationship) has no quick fix.
“A relationship requires a whole toolbox, not just one tool. In addition to touch, quality time, words and service, they also need honesty, trust, shared goals and ways to heal and reconnect after the inevitable conflicts.”
The findings were published in the journal Current directions in psychological science.