This is how we do it: ‘I have trouble fully enjoying sex because I am so conscious of how I look’
Alexandra, 22
When we do missions it’s a lot easier, but when I’m on top I feel like there’s nowhere to hide
As a teenager, I felt like the girl that boys weren’t attracted to. I didn’t kiss anyone until I was 19 and during my first relationship. That had quite an effect on me and I still find it difficult to feel sexy and attractive.
Jake and I met in college; we knew each other for about a year before we started dating. We spent a lot of time messaging before we got together – often in-depth conversations about our insecurities, so that put us on an equal, open basis.
We’ve been together for three months now and Jake has made me realize how much it boosts my sexual confidence when someone makes me feel appreciated outside the bedroom.
I’ve never been a particularly confident person. I hate my breasts – I just don’t like their shape, and never have. Jake is very caring, kind and gives me a lot of compliments, but I still sometimes struggle to enjoy sex the way I want to because I always think about how I look. When we do missions it’s a lot easier, but when I’m on top I feel like there’s nowhere to hide.
When we first started having sex, it took about five times before I felt comfortable enough to take off my shirt. I still wear a shirt sometimes. But there have been a few times lately where we’ve gotten really into it and I’ve felt safe enough to know that Jake will find me super attractive, even if I’m completely naked.
Jake also struggles with the pressures of toxic masculinity. There were a few times when he struggled to get an erection, which was very difficult for him.
In a way it was a very good experience for us as a couple because it was the first time I was able to comfort him. I had to show him that this wasn’t that big of a deal for me.
It made me feel much closer to him because it’s hard for men to be vulnerable, especially when you’re at the beginning of a relationship. I really appreciated him being open with me.
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Jake, 21
I started an online sex therapy course because the struggle with erections was such a big concern for me
When Alexandra and I became more physically intimate about three months ago, I felt anxious about not being able to initiate sex. There were some things that my previous partner enjoyed that made me feel uncomfortable, which affected me greatly. My ex had certain kinks and I felt judged for not wanting to do them.
After the first time I had sex with Alexandra, I had trouble getting an erection. There were about three times in a row that even though we were both excited, I couldn’t get it up.
I was very ashamed, because as soon as you, as a man, cannot get an erection, you feel like you are a total failure. There is an internalized judgment that I am “not a man,” and that is shameful. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions – I wanted to cry, but I also felt like I had to bottle it all up inside.
I went to the bathroom and sat there for ten minutes. When I came out we talked about it. Alexandra just asked me how I felt. Part of me felt guilty that maybe she thought I wasn’t attracted to her. But that’s really me: she’s beautiful. She helped to reassure me and we both started talking about how we feel about sex, what we like and don’t like. It certainly helped to know she wasn’t judging me.
I started an online sex therapy course because the struggle with erections was such a big concern for me. It included breathing exercises and how to deal with anxiety. I learned that it is normal to have problems and that it is not a reflection of who you are as a person. I have ADHD, so I get quite overstimulated and distracted during sex, and the course offered a number of exercises focused on sensations and how to get out of my head.
I now know that I need to feel incredibly comfortable when having sex, knowing that I am not being judged and that I feel supported, which is definitely something that Alexandra has made sure of. We enjoy kissing and foreplay and feel very close to each other. As long as there is a close bond between us, we don’t feel like we have to have sex every time we see each other.