“Why don’t I feel like having sex?” is the question I am asked the most by women.
It has always been the most asked question and I have been writing about sex and relationships for decades.
‘I’m afraid to have sex. What is wrong with me?’
“I’ll do everything I can to avoid it—even though I know it will ruin my relationship.”
“I see that look in his eyes and I want to run.”
We know that women lose desire faster in long-term relationships than men. Not because our need for sex is lower, but because women need more interesting sex than men to enjoy it.
Our orgasm rate is lower (probably for the same reason), which also reduces motivation.
Women lose desire faster in long-term relationships than men. Not because our sex drive is lower, but because women need more interesting sex than men to enjoy it (stock image)
But that’s not the full story
Research suggests that about 40 percent of women worldwide experience decreased desire. After interviewing hundreds of women for my latest books, I pushed that percentage even higher.
There’s another reason why women stop having sex that’s rarely mentioned in research or studies: It’s because sex is a package deal.
I came up with a four-step plan to help women reconnect with their sexual selves based on this fact.
Guess what? It functions.
What do I mean by “package deal”? Everything will become clear. Let me walk you through it.
STEP ONE: BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT SEX
Women love blanket statements.
“I’m not interested in sex.” End of story. No further discussion necessary.
When I ask, ‘But why? Limit it for me to exactly what you don’t like about it’, I get a different perspective.
“It’s because I don’t like my body anymore” (Would you be happy having sex in the dark? Or would you feel better if you got more compliments from your partner?).
“I don’t like being harassed for sex all the time” (agree on a way to initiate sex that suits you more and talk about how often you are happy with sex).
“I’m too tired at the end of the day.” (Do it in the morning or during the day on weekends).
“I don’t have an orgasm during intercourse” (Join the club: only 20 percent of women do. There are many other ways to climax).
The point is that there are solutions to most problems. You just have to be very, very clear about what the problem actually is to find it.
Action Plan: Make a list of all the things you don’t like about sex. Take your time and keep going until you feel you’ve covered the key elements that keep you from enjoying sex with your partner.
Sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) reveals a four-step plan to help women who aren’t interested in sex
STEP TWO: IS THERE ANY PART OF SEX YOU DO OR STILL ENJOY?
Or at least wouldn’t mind doing it, if I had to.
When pressed, women say things like, “Well, I still like kisses.” Or “I used to enjoy having my breasts stroked.”
Other comments: ‘I like the hugs and the feeling of intimacy afterwards.’ “I think it’s a compliment that he wants me.” “It makes me happy to see him so happy.”
When I say to women, “Why don’t you continue having sex with the things you like and stop doing the things you don’t like?” the answer is direct and predictable.
‘Do not be crazy! My partner would never think about that. Sex to him is sexual intercourse and if you don’t have that, it’s not real sex.’
If only men could understand this simple concept.
If they didn’t make intercourse part of every sex session, more women would be interested in sex.
Many women enjoy some elements of sex – X and Y – but not Z. Knowing that Z – intercourse – is always part of the equation, they avoid sex completely.
Intercourse is perhaps the most favorite part of sex for men, but it leaves many women cold.
Even worse, we’re in a bizarre situation where it’s fine to say, “Actually, I’m not really into finger stimulation/oral sex/sex toys.” But unthinkable to say, “Actually, I don’t enjoy intercourse that much.”
If every sexual encounter was varied – sometimes it was just kissing, another time breast caressing and maybe some hand stimulation, the next time he satisfied her with a vibrator or one of you gave the other oral sex, women wouldn’t announce that they dislike have sex. ALL sex.
Action plan: Now make a list of all the things about sex that you enjoyed and might still enjoy. It’s okay to write stuff after playing (I like the hug at the end), it’s all part of the experience of sex.
STEP THREE: DESIGN YOUR PERFECT SEX SESSION
First, look at your “What I Don’t Like” list. Try to come up with a solution next to each thing you don’t like, like the examples I used above.
“He goes from zero to a hundred too fast.” Solution: If he spent more time on foreplay, I’d enjoy sex more.
If you’re having trouble working out your “What I Like” list, think about the following:
Do you still masturbate? What do you think about when you do that? When you look at erotica, what about your partner?
What technique do you use during solo sex? Does your partner know how to perform this technique on you?
If you use a vibrator to get off, have you thought about asking him to use it on you?
Do you feel more comfortable having sex in the dark? At what time of day would you prefer to have sex?
What do you feel most comfortable with?
Does music put you in the mood? What kind of music?
Are you happy giving sex instead of receiving it? Many women are fine with giving their partner a blowjob or oral sex, but don’t want them to reciprocate.
Do you fantasize? What themes are they? Is there anything you can take from them to incorporate into sex (e.g. have him tie your arms behind your back).
Do you get turned on by reading a spicy book or watching sex in a movie or TV show? Would your partner be open to watching them read bits together?
Action plan: After all this gathering of information, you should have a clear idea of what you want less of, what you want more of, and some ideas about what kind of sex is better for you.
Now all you have to do is…
STEP FOUR: EXPLAIN IT ALL TO YOUR PARTNER
Don’t worry if this is the most daunting task of the whole exercise: it is for most people.
But the good thing about talking about sex with your partner for the first time is that once you get over that initial awkwardness, it gets easier very quickly. And easier. To the point where you wonder why it took so long to do it.
Trust me, if you’ve been avoiding sex and not having regular sex, chances are your partner will be overjoyed to have a conversation. Especially one with a positive slant and lots of suggestions and solutions.
Wait until you’re fine and then say, “I’ve been thinking about our sex life and how we don’t do it as often as we used to.” And I started thinking about/reading an article that encouraged me to really think about sex and the things I like and the things I’m not so excited about. I found it very interesting and would like to share it with you. Would you be interested in that? I’m also curious about your favorite parts of sex and things to take and leave.’
That’s a good conversation starter. It might take you a few tries to get to the point where you’re both comfortable chatting, but the rewards of doing so far outweigh any discomfort.
Together you can then put together a few sex scenarios that you both would enjoy. Sex that isn’t just X plus Y equals Z.
Aim to come up with at least four or five rough plans for how a session might go. You don’t have to follow them religiously, just have an idea of what you are aiming for. Some will favor one of you over the other, but relationships are all about compromise.
You can find more information on how to talk about sex with your partner at traceycox.com.
Tracey’s weekly podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, regularly covers topics with this as well. Find it at sextokpod.com.