There are three things that trick Aussie women into falling for any guy in seconds, JANA HOCKING warns: ‘Instant beer goggles’

Recently I was duped by a man. Oh, I’ve been sorely deceived! And it only really occurred to me as I lay flat on my back in the Botox clinic last week, willing myself to brave the scary needles and repeating my “beauty is pain” mantra over and over again.

You see, while us women spend our hard-earned money on botox, facials, painful laser treatments, lengthy nighttime skin routines, expensive blow-dry treatments and pilates classes, men only need three key things to make them attractive.

And spoiler alert: it’s not height!

The three take-off-my-clothes-right-away features are: beards, suits, and accents.

But it’s an art, so stick with me here because the man I spent time with really nailed the brief.

This man is a little king, but it was hardly noticeable when he first approached me, looking completely European and friendly.

His thick lumberjack beard was neat and after a cheeky sniff (I’m not weird, you’re weird!) I noticed a hint of beard oil. Heaven.

His suit was custom made, which I can’t praise enough. Any guy can wear a suit, but a tailored suit is the ultimate va va voom. It was tight around the bottom, his pants came down to his ankle and the fit around his chest was complementary. Solid 10.

And a little PSA – for the love of godmen – spend a few extra coins to make your suit fit properly. I was recently at an awards ceremony and two men stood on stage presenting an award. One wore a shabby, ill-fitting suit without a tie, with the top few buttons undone, making him look disheveled. Beside him, the other man wore a beautiful tuxedo, perfectly fitted with a very straight bow tie. He looked a million dollars!

And the accent, well, that can’t be bought or imitated, but all I can say is that male Aussie accents are very well received abroad. I mean, look at how the Hemsworth brothers were embraced by America. Even Russell Crowe has had a few runs on the board. They play it on a violin, and they play it well.

However, the accent that made me drop my panties was Spanish. I know, I know, can I be cliché? But I’m telling you, it’s just so swoon-worthy. What is it about Spanish men that turns them on so much? You know what I mean, they are basically born with charisma.

Add a beard and a suitable suit and you have a well-built man.

And I’m not the only one who thinks this. In a recent group chat, one of my friends asked if anyone wanted to go on a “beard hunting mission.” This is code for: let’s drink cocktails and try to pick up men with luscious, bushy faces.

But the thing is, should they shave the beard, and heaven forbid, put on some crocodiles (eeek!) Does that dull the shine?

Yes. Yes it does.

I speak from experience. You see, after falling for Mr. Spain hook, line, and sinker, I made the mistake of diving deep into his Instagram. Yes, I was that girl who was five years deep in the scroll and what I discovered was not good. I repeat: not good.

“So there you have it. In the game of love, we may all be fake advertisers. But give me a nice manly beard over a creepy, smooth-faced man any day. I said what I said,” Jana said

It seems he had a weak chin and a former love of shoes originally designed for water sports. I’m ashamed to say it gave me the creeps. It turns out that these suits, beards, and yes, even accents contain a multitude of sins.

It reminded me of the time I refused to sleep with an ex until he grew back some form of stubble. Scandalous Jana!

And don’t get me wrong, scroll back through the archives of my own insta and you’ll find some hideous outfits, hairstyles and much thinner lips (thanks filler!) So I’m well aware that I’m a terrible hypocrite.

So let’s be real for a moment. Here are the three tricks women use to trick men into falling for them.

1. Filler

Yes, for all the men who are going on about how much they hate duck lips when a woman has injected way too much filler into her lips, you all still seem to be gagging for her attention. Why? According to Khloe Kardashian during a somewhat X-rated chat recently on the Howard Stern show, it’s because those plumped lips look like they give good BJs. It’s true. Do I give good BJs? Probably not, but I look like this.

2. Cleavage

The mere fact that men are pushed to go crazy for us through their cleavage isn’t exactly groundbreaking, but let’s be honest: Pamela Anderson didn’t pay for her Malibu mansion solely based on her Oscar-worthy acting skills . Men love anything they can plow into. I understand. Cleavage is attractive.

3. Makeup

Truckloads of stuff. There’s a reason why TikTok turns makeup artists into celebrities. Their videos teach us how to make men think we are much more attractive than we are with a multitude of products at our disposal. We know how to create cheekbones from scratch. How to make our blue eyes pop, not to mention the art of contouring.

So there you have it. In the game of love, we may all be fake advertisers. But give me a nice manly beard over a creepy, smooth-faced man any day. I said what I said.