A therapist has mentioned one of the most common mistakes people make early in a relationship that can lead to all sorts of problems later on.
Jeff Guenther, a licensed counselor with a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, regularly shares his advice with fans after years of working in crisis counseling and in his own private practice.
The American expert, who goes by ‘therapy jeffsaid that too many people “fall in love with potential” at the beginning of a relationship – something that rarely ends well.
“This may sound weird when you say it from a therapist, but you shouldn’t expect your new baby to experience any positive change or growth,” he said.
“In the early days, if we see behavior that doesn’t sit well with us, we often brush that off by saying, ‘Oh, they’re just going through a party phase, they’re going to get tired of it’ or ‘They’ll eventually open up.” about their feelings and communicating better, I’m sure.”
“While people can go through stages and learn better skills, counting on them to do that while you’re in a relationship with them makes you fall in love with their potential, which is usually a recipe for disaster.”
Jeff said that trusting potential often leads to disappointment and resentment.
“Instead, it is essential to see and accept them as they are now and not who you hope they will become. And if they evolve? Cool bonus. Because change rarely happens and when it does, it can take years,” he said.
Instead, find someone who has what you want right now.
Jeff regularly shares his advice on social channels and recently suggested a list of the best questions new couples can ask each other if they want the best chance at bridging the distance.
1. What counts as cheating?
Can you hug a button? Flirt with the barista? Making a new canine friend without telling your partner about it?
“A lot of people end up on the couch because there was no discussion or agreement about what constitutes infidelity,” said Jeff of Portland, Oregon.
2. Are there certain things you both agree to keep private?
Jeff explained that these are essentially secrets to keep to yourself.
What if an ex texts you? What if a friend doesn’t like your new baby? Do they want to know?’ He said.
‘What do you want to keep private and what do you expect to be transparently put on the table?’
3. Does this milestone (a defined relationship) make you feel safer or more anxious?
Does it feel like there’s suddenly more risk? Does the insecurity go away or does it give you the freedom to be more comfortable with yourself?
Jeff urges couples to explore this topic in a vulnerable and non-judgmental way.
4. Do expectations change and if so, how?
‘Are we chilling out even more? Am I your primary emotional support? Are you my emergency contact? Or everything stays the same except the label,” Jeff said.
‘Talk about it.’
5. How can we make each other feel safer?
The best way to start this conversation is to define what the new labels are.
“(And) aside from adding a label to the relationship, is there anything else we can do to create a greater sense of security and ease?” Jeff continued.
“Do you have to make an announcement on Instagram? Put it in the official group chat? Meet the parents? Are there fears that we can take away with actions?’
6. How should we part ways?
Jeff admitted that this is a “downer” topic.
“I hope you get the long-term relationship you deserve and desire…but many relationships eventually come to an end,” he said.
Talking about how you want your partner to end things if and when that moment ever comes can make a breakup a little less horrible.
“Having that conversation now while both of you are excited about your new engagement can take the sting out.”